Feeling Like I Made a Terrible Mistake

I'm starting to feel like I should have never left my ex. I know that I was in a mental health crisis at the time and also deep in alcoholism and coping with whatever I could get my hands on. Repeatedly making attempts on my life and things like that. But I feel like my new person is so cruel in comparison. And I can't handle it. I'm sure it's not intrinsically a bad thing, but the lack of compassion and overly machismo attitude reminds me of my abusive father and I can't handle it. I feel like I am breaking down more and more and feeling more alone than I ever have. Even if it is just the fact that I am having a hard time being happy in any relationship of any kind. I've been trying to make friends online and find it incredibly difficult. I've been attacked by online predators so often now that I find it hard to trust anyone. I'm currently in the midst of a really severe illness, fever and body aches. And something about his behavior really shook me up. And then the silent treatment, after telling me that what I got upset about "wasn't that deep." I didn't get mad at him or start yelling I just started crying and he got upset at me for crying about it, and that was too similar to my childhood trauma for my own comfort. 

I feel the weight of everything i have going on weighing down on me. And the result of my mistakes choking me. I thought that I was getting better all that time and now I wonder if I just had a prolonged manic episode that no one was able to help me through. And now I am stuck with what I have done and I'm suffocating, I can't stop crying, I can't find any reason to hold onto hope about anything at all. I feel like I am unimportant and too much to deal with and I just feel my despair deepening on a daily basis. I know I have pushed away essentially everyone who genuinely cared about me, but it wasn't intentional, no, but most terrible things we do aren't intentional, are they? I wasn't trying to escape my old relationship, I was trying to escape the terrible feelings I had inside. Is that the same as what is happening right now?

I want to just try and least stick this one out. I feel like I keep reacting in the wrong way and saying the wrong thing. I have never felt so much heart ache being with someone in my life. I feel so alone, I have done this to myself I know. But I wasn't happy before. I'm not happy now, either. Simple, it's obviously me who is the problem. I feel trapped and suffocated. I don't feel like anything is getting better. I used to have hope, for a while I believed that a higher power was watching over me and helping me, and now I don't know. I don't know anymore. How can I believe that everything is working out for me and everything happens for a reason when I just keep spiraling and falling deeper and deeper without any moments of respite and joy. I'm sure I'm being hyperbolic as usual, maybe i'm struggling because i'm sick. or maybe it's because i'm not sure if this recent pregnancy scare was just a scare, yet. i don't know. and right now, i feel like i have no one