blueberry0717 Member Profile

Feeling Like I Made a Terrible Mistake

Relationship Stress / by blueberry0717

February 15th

...See more I'm starting to feel like I should have never left my ex. I know that I was in a mental health crisis at the time and also deep in alcoholism and coping with whatever I could get my hands on. Repeatedly making attempts on my life and things like that. But I feel like my new person is so cruel in comparison. And I can't handle it. I'm sure it's not intrinsically a bad thing, but the lack of compassion and overly machismo attitude reminds me of my abusive father and I can't handle it. I feel like I am breaking down more and more and feeling more alone than I ever have. Even if it is just the fact that I am having a hard time being happy in any relationship of any kind. I've been trying to make friends online and find it incredibly difficult. I've been attacked by online predators so often now that I find it hard to trust anyone. I'm currently in the midst of a really severe illness, fever and body aches. And something about his behavior really shook me up. And then the silent treatment, after telling me that what I got upset about "wasn't that deep." I didn't get mad at him or start yelling I just started crying and he got upset at me for crying about it, and that was too similar to my childhood trauma for my own comfort. I feel the weight of everything i have going on weighing down on me. And the result of my mistakes choking me. I thought that I was getting better all that time and now I wonder if I just had a prolonged manic episode that no one was able to help me through. And now I am stuck with what I have done and I'm suffocating, I can't stop crying, I can't find any reason to hold onto hope about anything at all. I feel like I am unimportant and too much to deal with and I just feel my despair deepening on a daily basis. I know I have pushed away essentially everyone who genuinely cared about me, but it wasn't intentional, no, but most terrible things we do aren't intentional, are they? I wasn't trying to escape my old relationship, I was trying to escape the terrible feelings I had inside. Is that the same as what is happening right now? I want to just try and least stick this one out. I feel like I keep reacting in the wrong way and saying the wrong thing. I have never felt so much heart ache being with someone in my life. I feel so alone, I have done this to myself I know. But I wasn't happy before. I'm not happy now, either. Simple, it's obviously me who is the problem. I feel trapped and suffocated. I don't feel like anything is getting better. I used to have hope, for a while I believed that a higher power was watching over me and helping me, and now I don't know. I don't know anymore. How can I believe that everything is working out for me and everything happens for a reason when I just keep spiraling and falling deeper and deeper without any moments of respite and joy. I'm sure I'm being hyperbolic as usual, maybe i'm struggling because i'm sick. or maybe it's because i'm not sure if this recent pregnancy scare was just a scare, yet. i don't know. and right now, i feel like i have no one

a safe space

Journals & Diaries / by blueberry0717

January 11th

...See more I'm starting this thread because I feel like I'm always venting somewhere about something at some point in time and for some reason I don't feel as much incentive to journal if I know no one is going to see it... it's like this helps keep me more accountable in some way?? Trigger Warnings: Will probably at some point mention alcohol abuse, self harm, family trauma, relationship stress, body image issues/eating disordered thinking, financial stress, etc. Also I will probably cuss. None of it will be excessive, and all things that I mentioned will only come up when necessary, it's just that my life story involves those things so i might bring them up as i reminisce about things. I'm recovering from alcoholism, and learning to develop emotional regulation so that I can have control over my life finally. I have made a lot of progress over the last couple of years, and am committed to establishing stability in my life. I'm not saying that I expect to have a white picket fence, but at least a few acres of land would be nice. So right now I just finished getting ready for a date that I have tonight with my boyfriend, we're going to the movies to see the Iron Claw! We've been together for a while but have never actually gone to see a movie together so I'm excited. When I was getting ready I found myself being really harsh about my own appearance-- i felt better after i moisturized my face and put some mascara on. I know there's nothing wrong with my face, I think I was just having a moment. I was also expecting to look worse in the clothes i decided to put on today, since i haven't been sticking to my fasting schedule like i was for months and months, i for some reason thought that I had gained all the weight back even though that's not the case. I'm trying not to develop an eating disorder...I want to have a healthy mindset about things but I still have some things ingrained in me. That's why I am attempting to develop healthier habits. Lately I have been feeling like I am spiraling, but today I actually feel better. Hopeful. I came up with a plan. I have a job where essentially I just wait for clients to contact me, when i set myself as available, and then can spend as many hours as I want open for contact. So the amount of money I make really depends on me, and I haven't been putting in any effort. I was losing hope that anything was possible, that I would be able to save up enough by the end of may to get my own place, or if i would have to go back to my abusive family. But I have renewed hope. It's never too late to turn things around. I think that I was feeling like I was spirialling because I wasn't sticking to my routine. I was allowing myself to depression rot, even when i wasn't feeling down, until my mood and mindset began matching my behaviors. So the key to that is to change my behaviors so that my mood will follow suit. For the next 100 days, I could easily make 100 dollars a day, and if I stick to my diet then I wouldn't need to spend any money at all on food. I have some place to stay, too, so technically I could save almost all of that money. SO that would be about 10,000... and some days i do make almost 200, so it really depends. But I just want to set an idea. Also, I have recently signed up for online classes to get certified in cyber security. I already have a computer science degree. The last class in the course is preparation for ANOTHER certification, which i will have to pay $99 to take an exam for. It's a lucrative field, and I could get a job that pays pretty well. So if I have $10000 by the time i lose my current living situation, then i will have the money to afford an apartment for a few months at least until I can find a job that aligns with the certification I also will have received by then, or will be close to receiving. And I will still be able to have my other job of taking clients from time to time, for extra expenses. So I don't need to panic... i just need to keep control of my anxiety, and tendency to shut down when i get overwhelmed. It is doable, I just have to stay calm, you know? And not burn myself out. To help with not burning myself out, I will make sure that I say yes to any social events my boyfriend invites me to, like playing d&d with his friends, who i have met and are really nice and not intimidating. Then I will make sure to spend nice nights watching movies with my boyfriend. I'll actively be intermittent fasting so I'll get the confidence boost/mood boost of seeing myself lose weight, and soon I'm going to make working out more of a priority. I will stay sober and not drink or smoke, because I can't afford disrupting the delicate balance going on in my brain chemistry. I will continue to journal once a day, hopefully on here, to clear my head. I will keep taking multivitamins, drinking enough water, and making my social life a priority. I will pay attention to my self care, take care of myself and my hair and nails and skin, and don't put too much pressure on myself so that I shut down, just enough pressure to keep going. But I don't want to pressure myself at all... I want it all to come from a place of love. A place of love for my boyfriend so he won't have to worry about me, a place of love for myself so that I can feel stable in my life, a place of love for my future children so they won't have to be raised with a lack mindset, and can have a healed mother. I won't let things stress me out, stop caring what other people think, and just focus on making my life better. I feel some fear, but I will just have to feel that fear and do it anyway until the fear subsides. Just like it did when I left an abusive family behind, just like it did when I left an enabling but safe relationship, and chose to get sober in the first place. There's no need to freak out about things when i have a plan and everything is firmly in my control. I could act, and change my life, or not act, and my life will still change but in a negative way. The hours will pass anyway, I might as well do something worthwhile with them.

Looking for friends

Friendship Support / by blueberry0717

October 29th

Everything is better this year, but i am so afraid of losing what i have gained

Depression Support / by blueberry0717

December 31st, 2023

...See more (TW brief mentions to alcohol abuse) Usually Christmas is a very dark time for me. I first remember it taking a turn when I was 7 or 8 and it was the first time I was the only kid who didn't get any presents at my family's Christmas party. Then as I got older it just turned into a time where I would be riddled with anxiety, drink too much to combat that anxiety and end up embarrassing myself. Also, my mom was usually always stressed and would lash out at me and make me cry... it was not a happy time. Last year at this time I was 100 pounds heavier, addicted to alcohol, living with my mother, didn't have a job, agoraphobic, and healing from a broken heart. Now I have cut off everyone in my family except my father(who I have forgiven), am recovering from my addiction (I relapsed yesterday but after chatting on here I have calmed down about it and and am just focused on forgiving myself and moving forward... also the hangover has mostly subsided, and i brushed my teeth so i don't feel so grimy anymore), I moved across the country by myself to be with partner who I was in a long distance relationship with for like three years, and things are getting really serious with him, I've gotten over the hump with meeting his family and they are all sober, healthy, fit individuals so it helps me to have that positive influence in my life. I'm not surrounded by enablers or abusers anymore. I have a flexible job that I actually enjoy and is from home. It took a lot of effort to make the progress that I have made and start to rebuild my life and relearn how to be a human being again after essentially drinking morning to night, seven days a week since like 2019/2018. Maybe before that, it's honestly been such a blur since i started getting panic attacks and had to leave graduate school, my life spiraled, and I am finally starting to recognize myself in the mirror again. I never thought I would find love again and here I am. I thought I would never lose the weight, and now I'm almost back to my smallest weight. But I've been feeling the depression creep back up. I haven't been working at all, and I won't lose my job, but also I am not making any money and I need to find an apartment by May. But I kind of just wake up and feel SO tired, so overwhelmed, that I end up doing nothing at all. I scroll away mindlessly.. and I feel like that is part of why I ended up relapsing. I have lost most of the weight by sticking to an alternate day fasting schedule and I have abandoned that for the past week, so that combined with me not feeling motivated to work at all, it's almost like i am so stressed about everything and nothing at the same time to the point where i just shut down, even though i actually like my job. I feel like I had a really good idea of the things that i needed to do in order to keep myself under control and keep advancing in my life and it's like i just gave them all up and threw my hands up and stopped doing all of the things that were holding me together. Maybe I lost sight of things. I don't know how... because I'm always trying to keep up with my spirituality and work on myself, I feel like I lost sight of the basics... like remembering to breathe. It's like, I've fell into this place of searching for answers when the solution is for me to just get out of bed, brush my teeth, stick to my fasting schedule, and then get some work done. But I don't know why it's so hard for me to just do those things. I know the solution to my problems is very simple. I just am so afraid of losing control of my life again, it was UGLY before, I'm sure many of you understand and have been there. But my life was a dark abyss before. And now, I have every reason to be hopeful. For years and years, Christmas just cemented the fact that my life was unhinged, made me feel worse because everything was going wrong and getting worse. This is the first year I don't want to cause myself harm today. And that in itself is massive... I have everything going for me in a positive direction. I think that I am just allowing myself to still feel like things are going bad, and that I am in a defeated state of mind even though my life has done a full 180. I just want to try to get a hold of the reigns again so that I can stop going back to old negative coping habits, I just really want to be able to feel joy this holiday season, because I know that it's possible if I can calm down enough to approach things rationally... being here is my attempt at doing that. Maybe I am feeling really alone because I don't have any friends in this new city that i moved to.... i still have some anxiety about going out places by myself. But also, my boyfriend is really good about inviting me whenever he does things with his friends, and we have plans to meet with them on Wednesday, so hopefully that will be a good time. I just want to be happy and have a fulfilling life, so so bad. I'm willing to try anything and commit to it. Do you think that maybe I should try to find a way to get out more? Maybe the isolation is what led me to relapse. Obviously there is something that I was doing wrong if I fell into this depression, when I was doing so well before, maybe I was neglecting a social need, or maybe it's seasonal, and the subconscious energy of this holiday is causing me to spiral a little bit. Maybe I should try breaking my day into feasible tasks, make sure that I do some work everyday so that i don't have so much anxiety about finances? Idk I'm just so afraid of failing and fumbling this second chance at life that I've been given

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