Don’t know what to feel anymore…

unfortunately infidelity is very present in our times... My advice is, if you can't let your partner work on yourself, go to the gym, take care of your skin, your hair, your self-love. Remember you are and will be the only person who will always be with you, so why not start giving yourself all that love that your partner does not give you?

Believe me, the moment you put yourself as a priority and your self-esteem increases, everyone around you will notice it and therefore they will value you more. Also remember that no one deserves to be deceived or hurt, much less you. Pamper yourself, love yourself, take care of yourself and keep your own promises, start with something that you like the most and it is easy for you and meet your personal goals

@calmBalsam3219

Thank you. I appreciate your comment.

I actually already do all those things for myself. I 100% take care of myself and do what I need to for myself. It’s actually the things he says to me that make me feel like that. It’s not that he doesn’t give me love, because he does. He can be loving & sweet, BUT- there are those times where he says things to me that make me feel like garbage. He gets in a mood and takes it out on me I guess you could say. It’s not right. And I agree, It’s not right for anyone to do that.

I have never stayed with anyone that has cheated on me, until my husband. I stayed for a few reasons. My love for him, our kids…

He was not like this before. It was a whole different story. After he cheated, he changed his ways and became a better person. Now though, it seems like something has gotten into him and he will do a 360 and bad mouth me. I’m just not understanding him.

@ConcernedWife2017

I have been through what you are talking about...... was cheated on many years ago. and while things did get much better was always there .... the 360 you mention .........in my relationship is when he is upset/ frustrated or other emotional needs he does not share or ask for with me.....

Spouse often made me feel small and like garbage ..... i did all the work on me physically / emotionally etc no real change... in our relationship

i do not condone cheating but i understand it better .. i have not cheated but have been close to a line that could be crossed. what i realized it is NOT about him ..... but was all about ME........

a person , i had made friends with and just chatted ............ made me feel alive attractive / fun and flirty .... someone who wanted to talk about even silly things .......appreciated my success or failures.

i then noticed....... Spouse never was even thought about ....... it was not about comparison if this person was more attractive etc ........but they engaged in conversation and listened to what i want to do etc..... even the idea of just walking and talking or enjoying a leisurely lunch ..

I NEEDED to be listened to ........not head bobbing and "uh -huh " responses ........ not every item being ignored.

IMO if someone says they do not know why the strayed ... they do .......and they need to tell their partner the truth about what they are missing and maybe things need to change not go back to the way it was but expecting different results....

I never told spouse how close it came to me crossing a line ...... but instead in a very non confrontational way spoke of how i have needs not being met ........simple needs that i did not see why he was not trying ... i realize he has some too and becoming petty and saying small digs was death of marriage by a thousands cuts.

it was awkward and things are not perfect but a heck of a lot better .......We made the mistake of assuming each other was aware of how we felt about things or how WE needed to hear good things too not just digs ..... sometimes we still say hurtful things when upset / angry but we NOW apologize and rectify the situation.

I hope you find something that works for you and if not staying for kids is not always a good idea my kids had found out about the long ago thing and i think has affected their relationships.

@toughTiger6481

I am sorry that you too have went through this. I also have never cheated on my husband. I did have friends that I talked to in order to help ease my mind about the whole situation. It was just that though for me. One of those friends had a major “crush” on me. I never let anything happen. Even though he would do the same as your friend- tell me how pretty I was, tell me I didn’t deserve what my husband had done to me, tell me he would treat me so much better. I just couldn’t. Even though my heart was ripped out by my husband, I couldn’t bring myself to leave or have feelings for my friend.

As far as my husband goes, he didn’t cheat because he was not getting things from me. He always talked to me and told me how he felt about whatever the situation was, he got everything he needed from me as far as intimacy, moral support, a shoulder to cry on, an ear for him to tell me his worries, likes, dislikes and whatever else. I always did all the chores, ran all the errands, did all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking care of our kids- all while working as well. I even did outside work like weeding, and mowing the lawn on days where he was too tired to do it.

His excuse for cheating was that he was young and dumb and he realized that it never should have happened.

Now it’s a whole different story with him and he gets on me about stupid crap. I still do all the same things for him, I never stopped.

And as far as the kids go, we kept it away from them always. It was never done in front of them. My oldest did more recently walk in on an argument he was having with me, and just ended up asking me why. I told her the truth and that was that I honestly didn’t know what or why he started the argument.

Maybe he feels trapped in his marriage. You said he can be sweet and loving at times. Even that he became a better person AFTER he cheated. Maybe in satisfying his needs outside of his marriage he was able to appease some sort of psychological/emotional/physical part of his identity he feels he is missing in his marriage?

Maybe he resents you because he sees you as an obstacle to his satisfaction of those needs in a way? A marriage counsellor named (Esther Perel) once observed in her work that one of the most common sentiments when cheaters were asked about why they cheated, was that the other person “made them feel ALIVE”.

I do not mention any of these things to justify his cheating. Never, because cheating is NEVER the solution to any problem. But it seems like you need to understand your husband, and he needs to understand himself also. His cheating tells you something about him, and something about your marriage. You both need to understand what that is. It’s vital to knowing how to proceed, and what to do next.

As for yourself, you are not worthless. He didn’t cheat on you “Because you deserved it”. NO. No one deserves to be so slighted by their partner. When you give someone love and devotion, and they return to you with suffering and selfishness, that is not right. But never mind this. For when we look at these situations it is never so simple as looking at what is “right” and sensible. It is about finding the courage, and your need to do what is best for yourself becoming greater than your fear (of loneliness).

And if you want to find tremendous courage inside of yourself, sometimes it helps to think what kind of a future you want for your children. What kind of relationships do you want them to witness? What kind of a role model do you want to be? Sometimes the same reasons we stay are also the best reasons why we need to leave!

I hope you find peace and happiness. Wishing you courage and strength to make those difficult decisions in these difficult times. 💕

CatsInTheCradle

@CatzInTheCradle

Hi. I am sorry, but that was not worded properly in my original message and I just now realized it. I didn’t mean that it took him cheating to become a better person. He was always a good person, but that good person in him decided to make the worst mistake of his life.

I know my husband like a book- cover to cover, inside and out. We have been together for a long time. I understand him completely. That was one of the reasons we got together. And in his words “We are perfect for each other”. He has never had a long lasting relationship with any of his ex’s. They all left him. Mostly what he had was people using him for what they wanted and then they left.

His cheating was something he called stupid. He said he was young and dumb, and that’s why he cheated. It wasn’t nothing to do with wanting to feel alive as he stated. He didn’t do it to fulfill any needs (his words), because he gets everything he needs from me. He gets the intimacy, I am there for him when he needs me. I am his shoulder to cry on and his ear to talk to. We are best friends. I help him with anything and everything he needs. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the laundry, almost all the errands, I make all our appointments, I do all the grocery shopping. I even help him out with outside chores when he is too tired. Like mowing the lawn, weed whacking, edging, etc. I ask him if he wants to help out with stuff, and he does. I always tell him he doesn’t have to though.

I don’t think he feels trapped in our marriage. I’ve asked him as well. I gave him a chance to get out. I told him I would leave if that was what he wanted. He told me no. He said he wouldn’t be the same without me and he would miss me way too much. And the cheating happened awhile ago. Even though it is still in my head and my heart shows it. It has a funny way of sneaking back into my brain and making me feel like I am reliving it.

As far as our children go, they didn’t see any of this. We kept it away from them. I don’t bring that sort of thing to their attention, because it’s not right or even proper. It stays between him and I. We show our kids how to be the best they can be. We are positive role models for them. We raised them to know right from wrong, and to be decent human beings. ❤️

Thank you so much for reading my message and replying to me. I really appreciate it. And thank you for hoping I find peace and happiness. I am trying to figure this all out and hope to so soon. 💗

When you are cheated to, that betrayal feeling is something that never goes away. Hoy can forgive him me that's in your heart to do so, but you can't just forget it. You're hurt, and sometimes any other flights bring it back again. I have been cheated too, and exactly as you wrote, my husband changed, he said it was something dumb, immature and childish. He even begged me to allow him back into my life. I never neglected him our kids, he could come and see him as he pleased, but he wanted me by his side. It took us 2 years to be completely back together, and at the beginning everything was great, but then he would sometimes treat me exactly as your husband treats you and I would be clueless of the reason. I spend most of the time alone with my kids, cuz he's at work or attending his social-business agenda. Then, I started getting panic attacks everytime he's away, or I would be fearful of his reactions to whatever I say or do. But other days everything's beautiful and he would be so loving... Even if you think you've kept your kids away of all your problems, they do know. I have recently been confronted by mine. They told me: "You've always told us to go away from people who hurts us, cuz we deserve better. Why don't you do it?" Those words slapped me right on my face. So, once he was treating me badly again and he said we would leave. I told him it was OK, that it made me sad, but I would respect his decision. I thought that would really happen, but then he decided to stay. Things were OK for some time, but then his erratic behavior started again. I still have panic attacks, but I'm not afraid of letting him go if it comes to that.

@imaginativeField13

Yes, the betrayal hurts so bad. And I agree. It will never be forgotten.

I’m really sorry that you are going through the same thing. It is rough. I actually started getting panic attacks too after an incident occurred with my husband and someone who was in his life at the time. Then I started getting them more often when my husband would leave as well. I never had them before any of this happened.

My kids have never said anything to me, but my oldest asked one time why her dad got mad at me because she heard him yell.

I know he has bad days, but that is no excuse to take it out on me. It’s not right in any way.

I commend you for having a plan and being able and knowing that you can walk away if you need to.