Break up, but living together

I thought I posted this yesterday, but couldn’t find it, forgive me if double posted.

I’m newish here, been talking to one of the great listeners and it’s been very helpful! I also wanted to find more support as I get through a tough situation, buckle up 😏

I’ve been living with my gf 3 years, I’m 53, she’s 45 with kids. It started off with poor trust, I was with someone when we first got together, she knew about it. And also had female friends I hung out with sometimes at the start.

Anytime things were stressful, or I was unsatisfied, I would get on dating apps and look around, coping addiction I picked up from dating days. I wasn’t going out and meeting anyone, but she still considers that cheating. I get it.

We’ve had a ton of stress, financial, bipolar ex causing trouble, she has some health issues that make work difficult. I always joked if we got married, we got all the hard stuff out of the way first.

Earlier this year, I decided to stop messing around and go 100% in to our relationship. I knew I was scared and holding back because of the past. But it was too late. We were driving to a party, and she was using my phone and found things I had been looking at that I hadn’t deleted. A big argument ensued while we were on the freeway, and I ended up having to push her off me and hit her in the face. I spent five days in jail and I’m still on probation. I thought it was a miracle that she wanted me back, so we tried. 

I’ve never been violent with anyone, and I’m still shocked a couple months later that I could’ve done that. I’ve made changes and doing anger management counseling. I’ve been back to where I was trying to be, 100% in.

We had many difficult discussions, and new trust would have to be rebuilt. But things have gotten worse between us. From the start, she was always accusing me of things I wasn’t doing, even though I was doing something different, on the dating apps. Now that there is less trust than before, it’s gotten worse, almost daily since I came home. And I have tried to be better, I communicate well, I’ve been more engaged, I try to resolve arguments in healthier ways. Nothing seems to matter. it has been only a few months, but I don’t see any change happening for the better.

I’ve suspected she’s a narcissist, there’s always been control issues and I am always wrong, she’s never wrong. Things always get turned around to be my fault, even when she’s clearly in the wrong. Last weekend after she accused me of something I told her that’s the last time. She did it again the next couple days, so I told her I’m done.

 The problem is, we’re tied together financially, and I’ve lived with her kids for three years and I’ve built relationships with them. She’s only working part time because of her health, she was doing 50+ hours a week, so she can’t make it without my income, and I’m not going to leave them like that. That’s something the bipolar ex did. So I made myself a space in a different room, and I’m just doing my own thing unless she needs me to be with the kids while she’s working.

I’m open to getting back together if she gets real help and makes changes, but she’s been aware of this problem and only goes to her therapy once a month to update her prescription. I don’t think she thinks she’s the problem now or needs help with this.

I had to stick to my boundaries because it’s been back and forth so much, people at work ask me are you on or off today?😄😑

I know I shouldn’t tell people at work but it’s a small office, they knew what happened when I couldn’t come in lol.

Any advice or thoughts on how to navigate going forward?