A way back after cheating?
People. I kind of cheated on my husband. First time in our 23 years relationship. I had a crush on another man and when I felt that, split with my husband. Spent few months dating with the other guy, had sex once, then we parted ways.
I really appreciate my husband, he's a great friend and person. He's willing to get back together and... I just don't feel the same after the affair I had.. I see them differently, like part of him but would like another part to be different..
Is there a way back after kind of un-loving him? 😢
@Dossema
I am sure many are in your shoes.... in fact when we meet or like other people we like them for the exact things we find missing in our partner/ spouse.
when we SEE that it is not that much to pay attention to us.... listen to us..... make us feel attractive and wanted.... i mean this new person is not ignoring us.... or saying things days later like they just thought of it although we told them .... but as always they simply nodded their head like a bobble head doll.
once we get angry and disillusioned with spouse it is hard not to see it..... i was trying this weekend to see past so many things and was going OK until he resorted back to his Normal selfish or self centered ways and not giving my opinion any consideration..... and so now i am at square one.....
IF you try speak up about what you were missing in relationship and what you want to STOP and not just sometimes but always.... If he is willing to do things like that and you can see what was once there.. maybe it works .... most just have trouble changing unless they really have a reason and motivation.
Omg, this is spot on! The other person had exactly what my feminine soul was craving for without even realizing : to take me out for dinner, to carefully pick restaurant for us, to pick me up from home, to drive to the restaurant and back and to pay (I mean, physically, in my marriage it's me that I am forced to be doing it and I HATE it)..
And I am still craving being treated as a woman. The problem is that I am now realizing it...
@Dossema
We are in the same boat. i have kidded myself that i did not cheat because it was not physical but my friend i share things with and instead of a grunt i get excitement and someone happy for me.
i felt odd in a swim suit ...........spouse did not say a word......... but my friend gave me confidence and reassurance.... and when we have had these things we crave ...... it is like being in a desert and having a jug of refreshing water then told "ok .that is over go back to being thirsty for the rest of your life."
the only way i see it working is IF spouse can step up and meet those needs .... i know many disagree but cheating is not just because we are TRULY missing something in our relationship ... something we do NOT want to live without that is why we choose to step over a line.
I love the analogy of being in a desert, getting some water and then returning to thirst for indefinite time... Exactly what is making me sceptical that getting back to 'normal' would work, despite that my husband is my best friend and has no intention to hurt me whatsoever.. After all, now I know what's missing, I don't feel like a real woman and he can't do much about it... The routine has taken over and it's so God damn powerful..
I was also the main income earner in the last few years, the only driver in the family for 23 years, the one paying all the bills of our daughter who's university student and yes, his PA as I was helping him with his business AFTER my regular job. Gosh I am so confused!
@Dossema
OMG is there some strange handbook some men follow ...
My spouse will not pick a place to eat ....then pouts when i chose something he does not want ... He has literally walked into parking lot for me to pay.... says" it is all the same OUR money" ...
well no, because I never mixed my bank accounts with his ........because i did not think he would take care with it. He makes promises to others .......he expects me to work out the details ... i finally screamed at him "i am not your assistant" .. as he has a couple assistants at work to do the details and calls and planning .... told him he could NOT afford my salary if i have to take care of his details ...
@Dossema
The reality is in my world .... we all deserve to be put first. in a relationship ... at least some of the time.... I am mad not at him but myself for being dumb enough to go along and tell myself when this or that is done it will get better ... we are sacrificing for the end game to only find out i was the only one sacrificing.
I never felt i was valued as i should be .... he valued his jobs the kids, even pets and i was the servant that kept it running.
I bought the BS about someday we would do X,Y and Z but someday is a mirage, not even there... Counseling although always suggested only works when they put in effort. It would take complete dedication and the honest revelation about what he wants out of a relationship.
I refuse to pay for his bobble head act .... I took off my wedding ring consider us roommates and told him this is no longer a marriage.
@Dossema
Maybe couples therapy could be beneficial. I once was married for 10 years and he had an affair around year 7. That broke me changed me the next 3 years we did try counseling and everything but I was too hurt. I ended up having an affair myself fell madly in love with my new person just to get hurt double. It is possible to fall back in love but it takes so much work from both parties. Wishing you the best in you're journey..
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Oh, my dear, I am so sorry to hear you went through all this! I can only imagine that double pain and I hope it made you stronger and you are happier than ever now ❤️
I was thinking about therapy and on the other hand, I think it'll temporarily change the situation. I'd appreciate if you share a bit more about their approach - are they giving you exercises? Or maybe advise on going on vacation together?
@Dossema
We did do more vacations together. And worked through our lack of communicating with therapy. I am happier now and with someone new. I learned so much from those heart breaks.
