Am I staying out of love or Codependency?
I haven’t posted here in a while but I’m in a really annoying situation.
Id been with my bf for 2 years and we’d had our issues but i’d moved past the prior hurt. However, for our anniversary we went on holiday. It was pretty much 10 pure days of mental torture for me.
This was caused by him:
- staring at other women constantly and ignoring me while doing it
- him not being intimate with me at all/when we were it felt like i’d basically forced him so i didn’t really want to if he wasn’t comfortable
- him being stuck on his phone constantly during times we were supposed to connect or even have random conversations (this had been an issue i’d brought up a few months before too)
- him not listening to any of the 4 times I’d brought up the issues and asked him to change
- him watching me have 2 really bad panic attacks because it had triggered such bad anxiety
- him not caring when i was being physically sick, he just sat on the bed on his phone
- his only worry during all of this was wether i was going to break up with him and when i said no he carried on his behaviours
- Lied and hid things from me on the holiday but also prior to the holiday that messed up my trust
- made me feel disrespected multiple times in the relationship which i’ve had to go past
Id been so happy in the relationship up until then so for the month after the holiday i was deciding whether to break up with him. I decided on a long term exclusive break where we set goals for each other and ourselves.
The first month of the break was pretty okay, took off lots of stress. We’d see each other every 2 weeks.
However, 2 of the times we’ve seen each other he’s triggered the same insecurity i got on our holiday as id noticed he’d been staring at 2 girls for no reason other than their attractiveness. The first time i got over after a few days but the most recent time happened last weekend. I’m still in such a low mood about the relationship because i can see the power he has to absolutely shift my whole mood.
I’m not sure how or if I can even get past this because it hurts me more the fact that i’d struggled with being very insecure many years ago but put in so much self work to get past it and now it’s all coming undone over a man that just can’t respect me enough.
I don’t think I should still be with him but a part of me still feels in love and feels like i should just try to work past my insecurities.
Im really stuck right now because i’m not sure what I can do as i’m giving myself 1 more month till I decide whether I should get back with him. If you guys were in my situation, what would you do?
@straightforwardBeechwood6877,
it's better to express your feelings rather then asking someone to change.
The right person will listen to how you feel (that is, if you don't judge, label, demand) and would feel save enough to express his/her feelings too.
So you both can understand where the other is coming from, without the urge to be right or wrong wanting the other to agree. Expressing needs, expressing to each other how the other can help.
It might be that he ignores whatever you say. Why? I have no idea. Maybe he cant/ doesn't want to meet your needs. Maybe he feels you are asking too much too often, sees you as needy.
Maybe he deals with emotions in a different way. The only one who can answer these questions is him.
I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time, that sounds stressful. I see you mentioned the fact that he stares at other women multiple times, so I’m guessing that bothers you a lot and/or makes you feel insecure. I’ve been with my husband for 2 years and he does the same thing, staring at other women or commenting on them to me. I can’t say this is true for all men but his explanation was that he appreciates beauty, so if a beautiful person walks by, he’s just naturally inclined to look. It’s true for me as well, we often end up staring ar the same people, mostly women. Ofc there have been times I felt it was going overboard and got upset, and he apologized and toned it down a little.
In your case though, it sounds like he doesn’t care what you think or how you feel about it, which is a red flag to me. It also goes hand in hand with you feeling disrespected in the relationship, also a big red flag and def something you never want to feel in a committed relationship. It might not be his intention, might be that you both have different needs, but for a relationship to work, both people need to put in the work. If you’re questioning if you should stay and the break has felt like relief, that’s a sign he isn’t the one. Mind you, the one isn’t just some perfect person, more so someone who is willing to put in the work to be that person for you.
Good luck whatever you decide!
Just found this old post and an update! I ended up breaking up with him 3 months after as I couldn’t get past the feeling and I was stuck feeling self conscious and unhappy!!
Im in a much better place now and am happy with my decision
