cu tt ing connection with closest friends

p.s: my English is not good

I gh*sted my friends when covid happened, like a month when it started.

So at first I just replied to them too late like a day, until it become a week, then become a month. I'd say it's pre-planned so that they won't be surprised when I don't reply to their chats. Although I plan to reply to their chats at least once a month, it didn't happen as I was only relying on my "will/mood" (I'm not sure if its the right term). Anyway, at that time I was just not really men*ally stable to reply to their chats, and we weren't able to meet up because of the lockdown and also because we were below 21 yrs old.

So it goes on and on until it becomes a year, and I still feel un*table. throughout those months i realized when I'm with them I feel like I won't grow as a person, I feel like they were rui*ing my peace (we were good before I gho*ted them).

then I read something somewhere that stri*es me. It was about boundaries, then I realize I don't have my boundaries established, and that's why I sometimes felt vi*lated and disrespected even on small things, and that's when i finally realized that small things really matter.

then suddenly our memories together are playing in my head:

1. whenever I talk when were huddled and nobody was paying attention to me

2. when i suggest something and they brush it off and suddenly a few seconds after i said it friend no.1 would say the same thing and they all agreed

3. that feeling of loneliness when i'm with them

4. that whenever i say something i have to repeat it like a parrot to get their attention or response

5. when i'm looking for something for myself, to use an example a dress for my friends debut/quinceanera. They choose something se*y that doesn't fit me really well, they said its fine because it will be altered, long story short i didn't get to wear it because the ch*st area was still loose, as i was examining the dress it was impossible to alter it to fit my ch*st size.

---then i realized that it's better if i choose it with my mom, then i realized that i should've listened to my mom. I was young back then so my emotions were so strong and out of place.

6. we have a friend that is MIA (missing in action) even before the pandemic. We rarely sees her, and also she doesn't reply to our chats nor answer our call, but she can see us whenever she wants, she would pop up from somewhere surprising us, and she didn't get hated about it. but when I did not reply to their messages and chat, I was suddenly a bad person, t*xic.

When the lockdown was less strict.

I was out with my mother in a botanical garden, I felt really good at that time so I took a pic and posted it in myday (fb), a friend replied to that post, it notified, but since i'm out I didn't read it, also i have no plans in replying to whomever it was if not school related or something really important. Also when i decided to gh*st everyone i left all the group chats (gc) i'm in. I was added back 1 out of 2 gc with my friends (this happens a month[?] [not sure, just estimation] after i left our gc) and i kept it in spam so it wouldn't notify me, and won't acc*dentally see it, i couldn't get myself to leave again because they will notice it and would start talking about me and i don't like it. Soo in continuation to my small trip. When i arrived in our home i read the messages from my block mates, it was about our report, so I worked on it, and it took me hours, when I finished it around 1 am i decided to read on my friends gc, they won't know that I'm snooping around as I put our gc in spam.

So I read their convos, and I read something about me and my myday/story. There were deleted chats and they are also talking about me i'm sure of it, maybe in their dm's. let's say my name is Yanna.

[messages are translated in English]

2/6 are actively chatting and the others were like silent readers (those others were the one deleting messages, and those below are what's left undeleted.

someone deleted a message (5X)

B: how th*ck faced/ br*zen (i not sure if its the right word in English, but in our language its something you say when you fail to pay back to someone's good action towards you " dept of gratitude", its like offensive and hurtful, in our language)

C: someone told me just to let her be

B: f**l _{(exact words)}

C: *Sends 2 screen cap of my myday/story* Yanna posted a myday.

B: saw it, it notified. All I can say is how i wish (i can feel the sarcasm)

C: i replied to her myday, and she didn't reply

B: hahaha told you

these people whenever they're in need i'm always there for them, but whenever i try to talk about my problems they would only say "you'll be fine" and that's it. So I kept quiet. so quietly that they can't even talk to or see me anymore, that I even created a new fb without adding them as friends. I didn't really mean to bu*n bridges between us, I just wanna d*sappear, and just come back when I feel better. it took me a long time, and my closest friend since preschool tweeted that I had b*rned the bridge between us.... thoughts kept coming in my head as i read their tweets about me, they made it clear that it's me..... So be it.

but I'm good now, I found new hobbies, and I'm healing from my other issues. I decided that I won't wait for anyone, if no one would join me to go explore and try new fun activities then i'd do it alone and scared but of course with my parents consent, because i'd feel unsafe if i don't ask permission. and that I would only wait for myself, I'd go according to my phase. ❤️

I know I'm a t*xic person for not communicating, I realized it now. back then I was to focus on my emotion and mental health that I thought ghosting is the only way. I have forgiven them for the mean things they tweeted, but i just can't reconnect. Although one friend tried to reach out, but what would i say? it been 3 yrs going 4, it's too late. And I still don't like chatting I prefer talking face to face but we're both away from our hometown because of college. And I prefer our relationship to be this way, I'm already done with them now so i don't really care they can talk *** about me and that's up to them.