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mededicatedstudent
719 M Little Steps
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts43 Forum posts20 Forum upvotes40 Current upvotes40 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceNovember 17, 2020
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Diary / Trauma dumping

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In Crisis. Help
Student Support / by mededicatedstudent
Last post
 July 28th
...See more 1st year 2nd sem of college failed 1 subject (around 2019) 3rd year 1st sem failed 2 subjects 3rd year 2nd sem failed 3 subjects ( I confidently thought that I would passed) After my 12 grade, i took a break (9 months including summer) from school due to personal/family reasons, so I didn't get to enroll for 1st sem of college (I enrolled the 2nd sem ; That was around December 2018). Now June of 2024, with a heavy heart. I am considering transfering of school. I thought I did well with this 3 subjects but I thought wrong. I party wanna blame it to our department. You see in 3rd year the total number of student are just 5, that alone is a red flag. There's a lot of students who either withdraw/transferred to other institutions. Our department I would say is very toxic. I regret that I stick for this long, I should've transferred sooner but I didn't Because I thoughts that maybe if I stick around I'll get used to it, maybe this is just how it is (medical related course) and I'd learn to cope, and I thought that those who gave up/withdraw/transferred are just weak minded. But now I'm feeling burned out, second guessing my choices, doubting myself if this is right for me, am I choosing the right thing, is this for me? Because what if all this difficulty emotionally, mentally, and failing markes are redirections and I'm just to scared or stubborn. A religious person once said (YouTuber) that if it's God's plan for you, if it's made for you, you will have it easy despite the challenges, opportunities will fall into your hands, you will feel lucky. But if it's not right for you, you will feel ruined, like everything is not going how you expect it to be, it will feel different. ( I don't know how to word it properly, I just hope you understand me). So now I feel like God or maybe the universe is telling me something, that whatever hard I try and work this out, it just won't, that I should consider shifting to other course because this is not for me, that I don't belong anywhere. Unlike everyone else I don't have a dream job. I thought that I would die early because I can't imagine my self in the future. But I want to be a Respiratory Therapy. But being an RT student in my school is emotionally and mentally challenging. I already want to work, for my parents sake so that they can retire, but I can't. I live in a 3rd world country (se Asian), we may be poor here, but families values education, parents work hard for their children's education, and children are not allowed to work only focus on education (if you are a middle class). This adds up to the pressure and guilt that feel like i am not working hard enought, that I'm too stupid to have this opportunity, that I'm just wasting my parents hard work and money. I am trying my best for them but sometimes, I just can't handle it. I am worried for my self. I am exhibiting isolation, they say I cut Bridges (cutting relationship/friendship) because of that I no longer have friends, and I only talk with my family. Classmates can only connect with me if it is about education. I no longer want to get out of the house. And I've been crying. For this reason I'm contemplating if I should transfer school or what, maybe in a new environment I will get better? Im having too many emotions, that I'm starting not to feel anything.
BADLY NEED OF ADVICE
General Support / by mededicatedstudent
Last post
 February 4th
...See more It has been six years since I have ghosted people who were once very close to me. When I started college, it only took two years before I started to do it again, but this time to my block mates. There is nothing wrong with them, and I have no problem with them, but sometimes I cannot control how I feel. Suddenly, I would feel down and distance myself from everyone. I would not feel like talking or being with anyone, and it would continue for a few weeks until I couldn't be with them anymore. Even if I feel fine, I just can't get myself to talk to them or even reply to their messages. It's just embarrassing to approach them again when I've gone cold on them. I know it's not fair to them, and I want to talk to them, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. When I'm relaxed, I sometimes get overwhelmed by a sudden wave of unease or anxiety. It feels as though anyone could set me off, and I'm on edge waiting for someone to make a wrong move. Even the smallest mistake can trigger a strong emotional response from me, and I feel like I'm about to snap. It's been happening more frequently lately, and I'm unsure how to cope with it. Maybe I need to seek help from a doctor or a mental health professional to get better. However, I'm worried about the cost and the stigma associated with seeking help, and I'm not sure how to navigate the system. going to therapy or consulting a doctor is expensive, and the healthcare system in my country is poor.
BADLY NEED OF ADVICE
Anxiety Support / by mededicatedstudent
Last post
 January 27th
...See more It has been six years since I have ghosted people who were once very close to me. When I started college, it only took two years before I started to do it again, but this time to my block mates. There is nothing wrong with them, and I have no problem with them, but sometimes I cannot control how I feel. Suddenly, I would feel down and distance myself from everyone. I would not feel like talking or being with anyone, and it would continue for a few weeks until I couldn't be with them anymore. Even if I feel fine, I just can't get myself to talk to them or even reply to their messages. It's just embarrassing to approach them again, when I've gone cold on them. I know it's not fair to them, and I want to talk to them, but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. When I'm relaxed, I sometimes get overwhelmed by a sudden wave of unease or anxiety. It feels as though anyone could set me off, and I'm on edge waiting for someone to make a wrong move. Even the smallest mistake can trigger a strong emotional response from me, and I feel like I'm about to snap. It's been happening more frequently lately, and I'm unsure how to cope with it. Maybe I need to seek help from a doctor or a mental health professional to get better. However, I'm worried about the cost and the stigma associated with seeking help, and I'm not sure how to navigate the system. going to therapy or consulting a doctor is expensive, and the healthcare system in my country is poor.
NOISE WHEN STUDYING AND A DIRTY HOUSE TRIGGERS ME
Relationship Stress / by mededicatedstudent
Last post
 February 14th, 2023
...See more I used to have a really bad relationship with my mom, but when I've gone to college and we were km apart, we've become closer. facts about me: - i'm easily *** and sensitive - i hate my brother for being messy and lazy. he's disgusting - i'm the one who cleans the house - i'm not OCD. i just hate a dirty/messy place - i tried telling them how i hated it, they don't really care about how i feel when i say "careful with the floor, i just mopped it" my mom would reply "it's fine, we can clean it up again" aaand I hate it!! I HATE ALWAYS CLEANING, I JUST WAN'T A CLEAN PLACE AND MAINTAIN THE CLEANLINESS UNTIL MY NEXT CLEANING SCHEDULE - because of that I'M NOT EATING WELL BECAUSE I HATED OUR PLACE, no matter how dizzy and hungry i get - i only eat when i'm at peace, alone and relaxed - I ALSO HATE IT WHEN IT GETS NOISY WHEN I TRY TO STUDY I HATE THIS, I HATE WHAT I'M FEELING. PLEASE HELP ME I THINK I'LL GET SICK BECAUSE OF MY FAMILY. I'D SOMETIMES THINK THAT I HAVE ANGER ISSUES OR ATTITUDE PROBLEMS WHEN I THINK THAT IT'S NORMAL AND IT'S JUST MY FAMILY THAT IS ANNOYING
cu tt ing connection with closest friends
Relationship Stress / by mededicatedstudent
Last post
 February 1st, 2023
...See more p.s: my English is not good I gh*sted my friends when covid happened, like a month when it started. So at first I just replied to them too late like a day, until it become a week, then become a month. I'd say it's pre-planned so that they won't be surprised when I don't reply to their chats. Although I plan to reply to their chats at least once a month, it didn't happen as I was only relying on my "will/mood" (I'm not sure if its the right term). Anyway, at that time I was just not really men*ally stable to reply to their chats, and we weren't able to meet up because of the lockdown and also because we were below 21 yrs old. So it goes on and on until it becomes a year, and I still feel un*table. throughout those months i realized when I'm with them I feel like I won't grow as a person, I feel like they were rui*ing my peace (we were good before I gho*ted them). then I read something somewhere that stri*es me. It was about boundaries, then I realize I don't have my boundaries established, and that's why I sometimes felt vi*lated and disrespected even on small things, and that's when i finally realized that small things really matter. then suddenly our memories together are playing in my head: 1. whenever I talk when were huddled and nobody was paying attention to me 2. when i suggest something and they brush it off and suddenly a few seconds after i said it friend no.1 would say the same thing and they all agreed 3. that feeling of loneliness when i'm with them 4. that whenever i say something i have to repeat it like a parrot to get their attention or response 5. when i'm looking for something for myself, to use an example a dress for my friends debut/quinceanera. They choose something se*y that doesn't fit me really well, they said its fine because it will be altered, long story short i didn't get to wear it because the ch*st area was still loose, as i was examining the dress it was impossible to alter it to fit my ch*st size. ---then i realized that it's better if i choose it with my mom, then i realized that i should've listened to my mom. I was young back then so my emotions were so strong and out of place. 6. we have a friend that is MIA (missing in action) even before the pandemic. We rarely sees her, and also she doesn't reply to our chats nor answer our call, but she can see us whenever she wants, she would pop up from somewhere surprising us, and she didn't get hated about it. but when I did not reply to their messages and chat, I was suddenly a bad person, t*xic. When the lockdown was less strict. I was out with my mother in a botanical garden, I felt really good at that time so I took a pic and posted it in myday (fb), a friend replied to that post, it notified, but since i'm out I didn't read it, also i have no plans in replying to whomever it was if not school related or something really important. Also when i decided to gh*st everyone i left all the group chats (gc) i'm in. I was added back 1 out of 2 gc with my friends (this happens a month[?] [not sure, just estimation] after i left our gc) and i kept it in spam so it wouldn't notify me, and won't acc*dentally see it, i couldn't get myself to leave again because they will notice it and would start talking about me and i don't like it. Soo in continuation to my small trip. When i arrived in our home i read the messages from my block mates, it was about our report, so I worked on it, and it took me hours, when I finished it around 1 am i decided to read on my friends gc, they won't know that I'm snooping around as I put our gc in spam. So I read their convos, and I read something about me and my myday/story. There were deleted chats and they are also talking about me i'm sure of it, maybe in their dm's. let's say my name is Yanna. [messages are translated in English] 2/6 are actively chatting and the others were like silent readers (those others were the one deleting messages, and those below are what's left undeleted. someone deleted a message (5X) B: how th*ck faced/ br*zen (i not sure if its the right word in English, but in our language its something you say when you fail to pay back to someone's good action towards you " dept of gratitude", its like offensive and hurtful, in our language) C: someone told me just to let her be B: f**l (exact words) C: *Sends 2 screen cap of my myday/story* Yanna posted a myday. B: saw it, it notified. All I can say is how i wish (i can feel the sarcasm) C: i replied to her myday, and she didn't reply B: hahaha told you these people whenever they're in need i'm always there for them, but whenever i try to talk about my problems they would only say "you'll be fine" and that's it. So I kept quiet. so quietly that they can't even talk to or see me anymore, that I even created a new fb without adding them as friends. I didn't really mean to bu*n bridges between us, I just wanna d*sappear, and just come back when I feel better. it took me a long time, and my closest friend since preschool tweeted that I had b*rned the bridge between us.... thoughts kept coming in my head as i read their tweets about me, they made it clear that it's me..... So be it. but I'm good now, I found new hobbies, and I'm healing from my other issues. I decided that I won't wait for anyone, if no one would join me to go explore and try new fun activities then i'd do it alone and scared but of course with my parents consent, because i'd feel unsafe if i don't ask permission. and that I would only wait for myself, I'd go according to my phase. ❤️ I know I'm a t*xic person for not communicating, I realized it now. back then I was to focus on my emotion and mental health that I thought ghosting is the only way. I have forgiven them for the mean things they tweeted, but i just can't reconnect. Although one friend tried to reach out, but what would i say? it been 3 yrs going 4, it's too late. And I still don't like chatting I prefer talking face to face but we're both away from our hometown because of college. And I prefer our relationship to be this way, I'm already done with them now so i don't really care they can talk *** about me and that's up to them.
Friend no more (+story of my day)
Relationship Stress / by mededicatedstudent
Last post
 April 16th, 2021
...See more Few months after the pandemic starts, I left all group chats (gc) I'm with, including my friends. IDK weird things kept happening, that's before school starts (in my country). In my friends gc we 2 gc. i was added back in 1, but I muted it kept it ins spam, checked it when i feel like it, because i feel like they are ruining my peace. >>fast forward to the present time(currently in my 2nd semester of the school year) I have gone to a botanical garden to relax, I'm with my Mothers friends we wore masks and there were only a few people. I felt good so i took a snap and posted it in myday(facebook), one friend replied to the photo, and because i was out and having fun i didn't reply, I also didn't read it yet. Just this night, few minutes after I arrived, I took my time to relax before taking a bath (because i was out, it's a must for me. I love feeling clean). After taking a bath, I heard notifs from fb, from a block mate of mine about our incoming report, they ask me how to divide our workload. So after the bath, facial mask and my skin care routine . I made plans for our report, it was urgent so I read my block mates chat first. I haven't read yet what my friend replied to my myday/story, I also forgot about it. around 1am, I was about to sleep. As I was scrolling on my fb page and instagram, to viewing chats that I missed in messenger. I think they forgot that I am also in the gc (i muted the gc w/ my friends because I got busy not just in my school work, but also I feel off with them that i decided to mute it, something is just not right). So I read their convos, and I read something about me and my myday/story. There were deleted chats and they are also talking about me i'm sure of it, maybe in their dm. let's say my name is Anna. someone deleted a message (5X) G: how brazen/unashamed (i not sure if its the right word in English, but in our language its something you say when you fail to pay back to someones good action towards you " dept of gratitude", its like offensive and hurtful, like in our language) M: someone told me just to let her be G: fool M: *Sends 2 screen cap of my myday/story* Anna posted a myday. G: saw it, it notified. All I can say is how i wish (i can feel the sarcasm) M: i replied to her myday, and she didn't reply to my chat. [something like dat] G: hahaha told you i was in that group chat (gc), i just muted it. it's in spam. i don't reply to their messages coz i just feel like it, but i read all of the convos, maybe they forgot about me being there. Maybe as you read this thread, it may seemed nothing to you, but it was heavy for me. because of that conversation, i decided to deactivate my Twitter, i can't deact my fb, and instagram for school related, but i wish i could so that they wont see my story. and i've decided to totally cut my connections to them. In Conclusion, they have ruined my peace which i carefully built for myself, i was almost in the point where i can say that i'm happy, that i am doing something better for myself. But it all collapsed by just those mere convos, that are not even emotionally wounding.
Sexually abused as a child
Trauma Support / by mededicatedstudent
Last post
 April 2nd, 2021
...See more I have not told anyone about this shit, but when I was prolly around 6-8 years old a FEMALE friend of mine who is 3 or 4 yrs older than me abused me sexually. She would touch my private part and she would kiss me saying that we're just playing and since I'm still young and still innocent I would not decline those "sessions". I don't think it affected me that much like mentally, I'm not traumatized about it, nor sad or depressed, I always thought of it as a "play" that can't be shared with anyone. But I think I masturbate too much as a teen (I'm a she, btw) and I want to refrain from masturbating for some reasons. Also, I have never had a boyfriend and so every time a male try to have a skinship on me I would not like it. Any skinship friendly or not, am i a man hater? I do get aroused but not with an actual person like in a video/book. I'm 20 now and just this moment that I'm making this thread I realized that I was sexually abused as a child, as I said I don't think it affected me that much, but somethings surely wrong with me. I just can't pinpoint. Since I just realized this now, some behaviors that i think are effects of sexual abuse (is abuse even the right term?) - first, i masturbate to much - although a female abused me sexually it makes me scared of entering a relationship [(romantically with a man) or any relaionship] - I flinch or tremble with sensual touches (like when someone tries to touch my shoulders in a sensual way or my legs, it creeps me out, those freaks!) - it made me cold hearted ( you know what I mean?) anyways these are just the things i noticed, ita 3:14am and i'm not yet sleeping I don't know yet what i'm truly experiencing, i'm still figuring this out, but for sure I could help myself. And if you have theory's about my experience and advice you can give please do leave a message to this thread. Thank you.
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