mededicatedstudent Member Profile

Anxiety, panic attacks, overstimulation, and anger issues

Anxiety Support / by mededicatedstudent

January 13th

...See more can someone offer me advice on coping with anxiety, panic attacks, and overstimulation in social settings or public places? I've struggled with these for years but only recently did I recognize and name these experiences. whenever I feel nervous or scared my hands, feet, and armpit get excessively sweaty which embarrasses me and worsens my anxiety. in school, I sometimes become extremely self-conscious, often looking down while walking to avoid drawing attention, getting looked at gives me anxiety. In class, I'd sometimes feel my blood rushing, and my breath growing heavy and as soon as the period ended I got an overwhelming urge to rush out and go home. I really miss the feeling when my body feels so light, and my mood so good because I have more bad days than good days. I would only know what kind of day I will have when I step onto the campus, my mood is so unpredictable. One instance that stuck with me was when I accidentally left my hanky in the classroom, I was a new student then. I quickly walked back to retrieve it but before I could reach the room a classmate spotted me and joked "You forgot something? :) Is it your handkerchief?" (whenever I feel awkward I just smile or laugh like I'm the goodliest person and I hate that quality of mine.) So I managed to smile and confirm, and she replied, "You left so fast! haha" Although she was nice and friendly I felt panicked inside. during anxiety or panic attacks, I become very quiet and may snap at others, even if they're not doing anything wrong, I'm just extremely sensitive to everything, especially when I'm overstimulated. can you share with me any advice or personal strategies that worked for you in these situations, also I just recently heard of overstimulation and I feel like I'm overstimulated at school with my blockmates and in our house with my mom. It's ruining my relationship with everyone. I can hide my anxiety and panic attacks by running away or being quiet in the corner of the room, but being overstimulated I just snap I'd call than an anger issue sometimes my reaction and emotions don't make sense. I'm overwhelmed by pent-up rage from being misunderstood, constantly battling anxiety, panic attacks, and overstimulation. Despite these struggles, I believe I'm a good person although I am more bad than good because I'm having more bad days than good days, and maybe my anger issues are simply the product of everything. I'm really trying to change, I'm constantly trying things that would help me not just physically but also mentally to be emotionally balanced. I still have a lot of things I want to share to explain everything I just wrote but this is it for now. hope someone can share their thought. Till next time! :)

Bad relationship with mother and family

Relationship Stress / by mededicatedstudent

January 6th

...See more WARNING!!! My mom ha a temper and has no patience, she doesn't listen to me or care about what I feel. She thinks I'm spoiled (I'm not, I barely even ask her for anything because I know how she would react). to her, her wants for me and feelings only mattered. She wants me to fear her because she thinks that is showing respect, she wants me to tuck my tail like a dog. my dad is barely around, he's working around and seldom comes home, so he's unaware of what's happening in our home, sometimes my mom would tell my dad pieces of stuff and exaggerate it to make me look bad. my dad unable to discipline because of the nature of his work, hed just follow whatever my mom says, my brother's personality is similar to my mom, he'd sometimes support my mom's way of scolding me. there's only 2 of us, and I'm the youngest. my family would constantly tell me: "you should be understanding and patient because you are the youngest" "we sent you to a catholic school what have you learned?!; is that what they teach you there?" seriously? from what I know, isn't it the elders and the older siblings supposed to be patient and understanding? they're supposed to be role models as they have experienced more in life. they should be the ones who should be mindful of their actions and words. before judging my behavior they should reflect on their own because I've only been learning and adapting from them. they often say "you should fix your attitude, I've loved, cared, and sacrificed for yuu" but honest I've never felt love from them "why are you not like the other daughter who are very sweet and kind to their mothers" uhm because you where never kind or sweet to me. why would i do something like that. its weird, we were never that kind of family. If they want me to change, should they start first? to whom do i imitate those actions? when i never felt and experienced it. why would they expect me to do something like that? it wont be easy for me to change, though i try to unlearn the negative behaviors i picked up from them and adapt a kinder and gently attitude so i can give love to people who deserve to receive it.(my future fam) they should reflect on how they have treated me, what they call discipline wasn't discipline but vi*le*ce. they instilled fear. there's no loving in that. they make me out to be a bad daughter, and i no longer give a f. if I'm the villain then so be it. they say I'm a black sheep, the problem, the difficulty one, they blame everything to me as if it was my fault for being born. i didn't ask to be here or be born. i don't understand why I'm being treated like this, was what i did really wrong to the point that i deserve to be physically h*r*. Was what i felt so wrong? dont i really get it? am i really a r*be* for insisting and wanting to b listed and understood? am i really that problematic? nobody listens to me or tries to understand me. whenever i try to explain my side, i am told that I'm rude and disrespectful. "i dont care what happened or whose fault is it, I'm trying to lecture you so you better listen!" "you'll only talk when asked" but they never relly bother to know the truth and ask. "stop blaming others, stop pointing fingers, just accept that you made a mistake" they want me to apologize, but they never apologize when they did me wrong or dirty. though at times it was my fault for being run by emotions, sometimes i can't just contain and bottle it up, i snap and ex*pl*de. it frustrating because i wasn't even blaming, i was just trying to explain myself and the situation so they can understand it better and give a good judgement but they just end up saying "excuses". now, I've given up defending myself, i jest let them ruin my image, and let the words pass from one ear to another, and taught myself not to care so i dont get hurt that much. she said she's not scolding me for no reason but guiding me to learn and be a better person, however her words were far from helpful. she'd cu*se** at me saying things like: "you won't succeed in life, but if you do your husband will ab*se** you and your children will emotionally h*r*T you" and that i deserve it for being a bad daughter, and that it will be my karma. she'd laugh and stick her tongue out mocking me. she'd also say things like: "i should k**l**d you when you were still in my stomach" or "i should've sqe**zd* / crumpled you like a piece of paper to be de*for^d / mis**car**d*" so tell me if it were you would you sit there and listen to that or you'll turn around and walk away because that's what i did. and when i walk away she say: "That's why you never learn, you resist to listen to me and learn" "if you do not want a mother to teach you then get out of my house and live far away from me" "you won't sur**vive without me, ou need me" (financially i do, i am a student and from a lower middle class family, and in the Philippines parents are obligated to aid their children until they can stand on their own, its frown upon if a teen starts to work when their parents can still support for them) "i wasted a lot of money on you, you're st**pd, you barely pass/ you failed a subject, you need me!" "you haven't accomplished anything yet what will you do without me? pro**st**** yourself?" and so much more. one reason why I decided not to get married and have kids. i don't want to be like my mother, and I feel like she has put a cur*e on me, she wants me to be in pain in all aspects of life, she wants me miserable. I fear that I'm bound to repeat the pattern she has done to me. it's all I know, i don't know how to be gentle or kind. I can't and I won't be the woman I dreamed of becoming. even my future career is at risk of ruination and failure.

HELP!! i can't post

General Support / by mededicatedstudent

January 11th

In Crisis. Help

Student Support / by mededicatedstudent

July 28th, 2024

...See more 1st year 2nd sem of college failed 1 subject (around 2019) 3rd year 1st sem failed 2 subjects 3rd year 2nd sem failed 3 subjects ( I confidently thought that I would passed) After my 12 grade, i took a break (9 months including summer) from school due to personal/family reasons, so I didn't get to enroll for 1st sem of college (I enrolled the 2nd sem ; That was around December 2018). Now June of 2024, with a heavy heart. I am considering transfering of school. I thought I did well with this 3 subjects but I thought wrong. I party wanna blame it to our department. You see in 3rd year the total number of student are just 5, that alone is a red flag. There's a lot of students who either withdraw/transferred to other institutions. Our department I would say is very toxic. I regret that I stick for this long, I should've transferred sooner but I didn't Because I thoughts that maybe if I stick around I'll get used to it, maybe this is just how it is (medical related course) and I'd learn to cope, and I thought that those who gave up/withdraw/transferred are just weak minded. But now I'm feeling burned out, second guessing my choices, doubting myself if this is right for me, am I choosing the right thing, is this for me? Because what if all this difficulty emotionally, mentally, and failing markes are redirections and I'm just to scared or stubborn. A religious person once said (YouTuber) that if it's God's plan for you, if it's made for you, you will have it easy despite the challenges, opportunities will fall into your hands, you will feel lucky. But if it's not right for you, you will feel ruined, like everything is not going how you expect it to be, it will feel different. ( I don't know how to word it properly, I just hope you understand me). So now I feel like God or maybe the universe is telling me something, that whatever hard I try and work this out, it just won't, that I should consider shifting to other course because this is not for me, that I don't belong anywhere. Unlike everyone else I don't have a dream job. I thought that I would die early because I can't imagine my self in the future. But I want to be a Respiratory Therapy. But being an RT student in my school is emotionally and mentally challenging. I already want to work, for my parents sake so that they can retire, but I can't. I live in a 3rd world country (se Asian), we may be poor here, but families values education, parents work hard for their children's education, and children are not allowed to work only focus on education (if you are a middle class). This adds up to the pressure and guilt that feel like i am not working hard enought, that I'm too stupid to have this opportunity, that I'm just wasting my parents hard work and money. I am trying my best for them but sometimes, I just can't handle it. I am worried for my self. I am exhibiting isolation, they say I cut Bridges (cutting relationship/friendship) because of that I no longer have friends, and I only talk with my family. Classmates can only connect with me if it is about education. I no longer want to get out of the house. And I've been crying. For this reason I'm contemplating if I should transfer school or what, maybe in a new environment I will get better? Im having too many emotions, that I'm starting not to feel anything.

BADLY NEED OF ADVICE

General Support / by mededicatedstudent

February 4th, 2024

BADLY NEED OF ADVICE

Anxiety Support / by mededicatedstudent

January 27th, 2024

NOISE WHEN STUDYING AND A DIRTY HOUSE TRIGGERS ME

Relationship Stress / by mededicatedstudent

February 14th, 2023

cu tt ing connection with closest friends

Relationship Stress / by mededicatedstudent

February 1st, 2023

...See more p.s: my English is not good I gh*sted my friends when covid happened, like a month when it started. So at first I just replied to them too late like a day, until it become a week, then become a month. I'd say it's pre-planned so that they won't be surprised when I don't reply to their chats. Although I plan to reply to their chats at least once a month, it didn't happen as I was only relying on my "will/mood" (I'm not sure if its the right term). Anyway, at that time I was just not really men*ally stable to reply to their chats, and we weren't able to meet up because of the lockdown and also because we were below 21 yrs old. So it goes on and on until it becomes a year, and I still feel un*table. throughout those months i realized when I'm with them I feel like I won't grow as a person, I feel like they were rui*ing my peace (we were good before I gho*ted them). then I read something somewhere that stri*es me. It was about boundaries, then I realize I don't have my boundaries established, and that's why I sometimes felt vi*lated and disrespected even on small things, and that's when i finally realized that small things really matter. then suddenly our memories together are playing in my head: 1. whenever I talk when were huddled and nobody was paying attention to me 2. when i suggest something and they brush it off and suddenly a few seconds after i said it friend no.1 would say the same thing and they all agreed 3. that feeling of loneliness when i'm with them 4. that whenever i say something i have to repeat it like a parrot to get their attention or response 5. when i'm looking for something for myself, to use an example a dress for my friends debut/quinceanera. They choose something se*y that doesn't fit me really well, they said its fine because it will be altered, long story short i didn't get to wear it because the ch*st area was still loose, as i was examining the dress it was impossible to alter it to fit my ch*st size. ---then i realized that it's better if i choose it with my mom, then i realized that i should've listened to my mom. I was young back then so my emotions were so strong and out of place. 6. we have a friend that is MIA (missing in action) even before the pandemic. We rarely sees her, and also she doesn't reply to our chats nor answer our call, but she can see us whenever she wants, she would pop up from somewhere surprising us, and she didn't get hated about it. but when I did not reply to their messages and chat, I was suddenly a bad person, t*xic. When the lockdown was less strict. I was out with my mother in a botanical garden, I felt really good at that time so I took a pic and posted it in myday (fb), a friend replied to that post, it notified, but since i'm out I didn't read it, also i have no plans in replying to whomever it was if not school related or something really important. Also when i decided to gh*st everyone i left all the group chats (gc) i'm in. I was added back 1 out of 2 gc with my friends (this happens a month[?] [not sure, just estimation] after i left our gc) and i kept it in spam so it wouldn't notify me, and won't acc*dentally see it, i couldn't get myself to leave again because they will notice it and would start talking about me and i don't like it. Soo in continuation to my small trip. When i arrived in our home i read the messages from my block mates, it was about our report, so I worked on it, and it took me hours, when I finished it around 1 am i decided to read on my friends gc, they won't know that I'm snooping around as I put our gc in spam. So I read their convos, and I read something about me and my myday/story. There were deleted chats and they are also talking about me i'm sure of it, maybe in their dm's. let's say my name is Yanna. [messages are translated in English] 2/6 are actively chatting and the others were like silent readers (those others were the one deleting messages, and those below are what's left undeleted. someone deleted a message (5X) B: how th*ck faced/ br*zen (i not sure if its the right word in English, but in our language its something you say when you fail to pay back to someone's good action towards you " dept of gratitude", its like offensive and hurtful, in our language) C: someone told me just to let her be B: f**l (exact words) C: *Sends 2 screen cap of my myday/story* Yanna posted a myday. B: saw it, it notified. All I can say is how i wish (i can feel the sarcasm) C: i replied to her myday, and she didn't reply B: hahaha told you these people whenever they're in need i'm always there for them, but whenever i try to talk about my problems they would only say "you'll be fine" and that's it. So I kept quiet. so quietly that they can't even talk to or see me anymore, that I even created a new fb without adding them as friends. I didn't really mean to bu*n bridges between us, I just wanna d*sappear, and just come back when I feel better. it took me a long time, and my closest friend since preschool tweeted that I had b*rned the bridge between us.... thoughts kept coming in my head as i read their tweets about me, they made it clear that it's me..... So be it. but I'm good now, I found new hobbies, and I'm healing from my other issues. I decided that I won't wait for anyone, if no one would join me to go explore and try new fun activities then i'd do it alone and scared but of course with my parents consent, because i'd feel unsafe if i don't ask permission. and that I would only wait for myself, I'd go according to my phase. ❤️ I know I'm a t*xic person for not communicating, I realized it now. back then I was to focus on my emotion and mental health that I thought ghosting is the only way. I have forgiven them for the mean things they tweeted, but i just can't reconnect. Although one friend tried to reach out, but what would i say? it been 3 yrs going 4, it's too late. And I still don't like chatting I prefer talking face to face but we're both away from our hometown because of college. And I prefer our relationship to be this way, I'm already done with them now so i don't really care they can talk *** about me and that's up to them.

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