Toxic or Nah?

Have you told your friend how you feel?

I don't know either of you, but do you value this person beyond how you relate to each other lately? Do you want this person in your life? More than toxic, it sounds like you have some relationship issues. Maybe it could be discussed.

@dworth257 Firstly, thank you for responding!! I havent brought this up with her directly. I used to think she was a shy person, who needed time to open up and get comfortable with being my friend, and that much was true. In the early years our friendship was great, but recently shes just gotten a lot worse. I do value our friendship, but its starting to feel a bit toxic because shes not asking or caring about me. She doesnt even know Ive gone through and am still going through depression because she hasnt bothered to ask how I truly am. I hope Im not sounding unfair to her, but from my perspective, I see her as someone I used to know I could rely on, but now Im so tired of being the one who listens, because I know she will never do that for me. Because of our connection, though, I dont want to outright cut her off. I think I may need to talk to her about it like you said. Shes just the type that will get offended though, so I have to be careful in how I go about it. She tends to play victim to certain situations, so Im afraid she will try to spin this and make me look bad.

@OhhKay that can be tough for sure ! But I think you're making the right choice by having that conversation with her. I understand where you're coming from, but sometimes that victim mentality/making you look bad can stem from criticisms that feel like they crossed boundaries. Your complaint is not that. I hope that she takes it well so that you two can mend your friendship. You definitely deserve to have your feelings heard and valued as well. If the conversation doesn't go well, maybe you just need space, you know? Friendships are pretty resilient and maybe it's the life positions you're both in right now that makes it a mismatch. As life changes, you might find your way back.

@dworth257 Thank you! Youre advice is very helpful. I will try to address these issues with her in the future. Shes also gotten into some bad things though and tends to always hang out with the wrong crowd, so Ive felt like that is something Ive always tried to guide her away from, but delicately, so I do think this friendship is worth saving. Its just very draining, you know? Its hard to see her continue to make bad decisions and hang out with these people when you keep telling her its not a good idea, but she doesnt listen. But youre right, maybe we need our space, or maybe I just need to keep my distance and recharge before addressing these things. And I also completely agree with your comment about being on different paths in life right now. Seeing it put that way made me start thinking and seeing how true that is. Friendships are a bit tough sometimes, but I really do hope she has an open mind when I talk to her.

@OhhKay It's really healthy you're going to try talking with her! I very much agree with the other poster. :)

Just some extra tips for mentally preparing for your conversation with her. Be aware of your own emotional boundaries and limits, and know it's ok to not be able to shoulder all of another person's angst. Figure out what boundary you feel you need, it's ok to think about yourself too, and to come into the conversation with something in mind, because you may not be able to rely on your friend to be cooperative in finding a solution. So like, for instance, if what you need is space, then think of how that looks for you, if it means beinf able to tell her 'hey... not right now...' and her understanding that and not finding it as some great offense, that's fine. Or if it's just asking she return the favor more often, asking how you are, or letting you know she appreciates you and your efforts, that's ok too.

Additionally, my friends and I find it helpful to start these sort of conversations with something like "You're my friend, and I want to talk about this because you're my friend and I know you care about me..." even iiifff you're not 100% sure about that, it's sort of a leap of faith statement, cuz, ideally, if she really is your friend, then she SHOULD care about you and your feelings. And if she doesn't... well, that's a better answer to your question of toxicity than her previous behavior :/

@MoonMirrorPromise Thank you for your response! This is really good advice, and I think thats a great way to open up the conversation as you mentioned! After posting about it to this forum, Ive calmed down a lot and am planning the best way to approach this situation when I next see her. Thanks again!! :-)