Telling someone to back off despite good intentions
I would like to ask something. This friend of mine whom I have known for many years recently started talking to me about my depression and anxiety (Which in itself is weird because it was totally out of the blue). And this person has good intentions, that much I know but not exactly good 'advice', if you know what I mean.
At first I just listened and said yes I'll try this advice and do this technique etc, but in the past few months the advice has sort of increased and honestly it's not really doing anything for me. I mean this friend doesn't even listen to me or ask about how I'm doing just kind of delves straight into their opinion.
So how do I approach this? How can I tell this person that anything they are saying is actually adding to my anxiety? How can I explain that I don't want advice rather just a friend or listener without hurting their feelings?
@plumBeechwood7549
Hello. I can really relate to your situation. Sometimes people want to help , but don't really listen and go about it in a completely wrong way.
What if you told your friend exaclty that? That you felt that your friend being there and listening to that whatwant to share helps more than any technique? Your friend might feel the need to help and care for you and maybe if you were to tell them how important it is for you to just talk to them, they'll feel there for you .
@BubblegumFox
I can but I have a feeling they'd be really hurt and I don't want to do that. It's a tough situation I guess.
@plumBeechwood7549
Hi! That is understandable. I think in order not to hurt them, you could focus on the positive.. how they can help you, that you need to spend time just in their presence and them being there for you is enough. I mean itnsead of focusing on things that they do that aren't helpful.
An idea I have is, in order for them to step by step change their view and way of supporting you, to ask them to do small things with you that make you feel better. Like for example, since you want them to just listen to you and not comment on things, you could indirectly do that (sometimes when I am feeling very down, it feels really good to write things on paper and the tear the paper into small piece after) , so if you think yhat might help too you could tell them you have something you'd like to do and ask them to help (either it be writting things down like I do, just listening to calming music or going for a walk) . I think small step to changing their way of helping , that also make you feel better too, might be a good idea.
Is there anything like that , that you could do together?
@BubblegumFox
I can think about something like that I guess. I can tell them what helps me and how I cope up in really bad days. Hopefully this could give them an idea of what helps me directly. Last time we spoke things got a little heated because I had to just interrupt them over certain points, like I am a caregiver for my sister and they had their opinion in it so I had to just ask them to not connect my problems with that aspect because it is unrelated. And then they got quite defensive and I had to leave it at that.
But what you suggested makes sense because instead of waiting for them to make an assumption, I can try discussing what helps me first and then take it from there.
I really appreciate your help. Thank you so much!
@plumBeechwood7549
You're welcome! It sounds like they really wish to help and care for you, but are unintentionally doing it in a way that stress you out more, so maybe including just them in things/activities that you do and help, might help them see things differently and slowly change their way of supporting you.
It's great that they are there for you and are so eager to help. I think discussing and doing things with you that calm you or are good for your anxiety might help them feel helpful as well.
Let me know how it goes! I hope your day is doing well.
@plumBeechwood7549
You just said it: "I don't want advice rather just a friend or listener without hurting their feelings".
Say tgat to them: I do not want to hurt your feelings but advice is overwhelming for me and all I need for the moment is a friendly supportive resence not solutions...but just someone to be by my side...
It is up to them how to react...
I myself was tolld that I do not want help and they abandoned me, but others might react differently but their reaction is not up to you. Tell them carefully and polite but straight so there is not missunderstanding, the rest is up to them...
@WhiteLighthouse @plumbeechwood7549
Hi again! I wanted to add to my previous reply that I really believe that, most times, it is tough to relate and understand how someone is feeling if we haven't gone through something similar. Friends often want to be there for us, help mad see us feeling better ..and you know sometimes that makes them read a lot about things and suggest thing to us and give us advice because they want us to feel better. I think telling them directly what is wrong won't probably help, as you have tried it already and it created some heat. Sometimes, the best way to make people undersntad is include them in what helps us and also share some of our feelings . I previously suggested writting things down with them, because that could be an activity that kind of puts them in a position of listening, but it's different to direct talking where they would feel the need to reply to everything in order to help.
@BubblegumFox
I get that. So I'll try doing something like this next time. There's no such activity that I can think of right now.. they are not much of a writing person.. and the issue is that they talk to me whenever they are comfortable. It's not exactly regular. But you are right ,because although it is sudden, their concern has been constant and genuine.
Maybe I can try discussing some calming methods I find helpful? Like discussing it with them?
It's just that I'm apprehensive about how they will respond. But I'll cross that bridge when I have to. I will talk to them once more before that.
@plumBeechwood7549
That's very understandable. It must also be very tiring and frustrating dealing with that when you are the one needing support at the moment. If they don't seem to get it, it makes sense to be completely honest with them and thell them that their approach just doesn't work and explain clearly what you need from them. That conversation doesn't have to be harsh though. I think it depends on how you approach it and what you believe works best . You know them better after all. :)
@BubblegumFox
Yeah, it is frustrating. I don't even want to think about it you know. I hope we are still friends no matter what happens, that is probably the scariest part because I don't want to lose them but thats another conversation altogether ,right? 😉
Being here helps me tremendously you know. I can always rely on writing here and being helped in some or the other way. So thank you again! 🙂 It really did help me.
@plumBeechwood7549
You're welcome! I hope everything goes well. 
@WhiteLighthouse
Yeah you have a point. But things got a little heated the last time we spoke, and it has scared me even more. But it has also made me realize that if I'm not comfortable talking then that's exactly what I'll do. I'll try talking once more, but if they give me more or less the same reactions and aren't open to listening then I'll politely ask them to leave me be. At least for now.
Thank you for taking out time to respond!
@plumBeechwood7549
You're welcome! It sounds like they really wish to help and care for you, but are unintentionally doing it in a way that stress you out more, so maybe including just them in things/activities that you do and help, might help them see things differently and slowly change their way of supporting you.
It's great that they are there for you and are so eager to help. I think discussing and doing things with you that calm you or are good for your anxiety might help them feel helpful as well.
Let me know how it goes! I hope your day is goig well.
