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plumBeechwood7549
2 28,841 M Aiming High 10
PathStep 1,500 Compassion hearts5,628 Forum posts392 Forum upvotes464 Current upvotes464 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceMay 8, 2018
Bio
Dear me, I feel really lonely sometimes. Sometimes it is with reason but sometimes it is with no reason, even when I have spent some meaningful time with meaningful people. I wonder about why I feel a chronic emptiness right in the centre of my body, though physically it is not possible. So it must be emptiness in the center of my mind. I try to fill it with any and every thing I can find, even with lots of self love and self confidence, but to no avail. I close my eyes and fall down that central hole. I feel myself falling but not landing anywhere. Somehow that comforts me, knowing that falling without landing isn't so bad after all. Maybe falling is what I am meant to feel and to enjoy. So I start enjoying my fall and add attributes to it. I imagine the wind flowing through my hair, my arms spread out and a peaceful smile on my face. Then I turn over and flit around my hand through the air. I may even pretend to try and reach out for something to hold, try to be dramatic. I think I am wearing a green floral top with pants. Then I flap my arms like they are wings. Now I start laughing, because I AM enjoying this. I look around and no one is there, no background colour and no beginning or end. I am all alone. But I am a little Less lonely now. So it is alright.
Recent forum posts
Move out or not?
35 & Over Community / by plumBeechwood7549
Last post
 April 18th, 2023
...See more I'm from a place where it's not a thing to move out of your house as a social requirement. And I live with my family in a pretty big place. However, with all its perks, I need some much needed independence and space now. I was in a huge financial debt till now so it never ever occured to me to move out. And now I can afford to. Another issue is that I have a business which isn't doing great. So I got a job. Which is how I have been able to be financial better. And to revive my business, I need to invest a significant amount in it. So now my issue is, if I don't move out, in the next few years I can restart my business since I'm not sure about the safety of doing this job. Also, my current life without moving out can be quite privileged because I save up significantly on rent. I can travel, buy a car and do so much more. BUT if I don't, I will never get that freedom and space I desire. I will be at peace and finally have a space only for myself which I desperately need for my mental health. It will also help in distancing myself froma toxic environment and relatives. Of course traveling will be out of question. I will only be surviving. My social life is anyway dead but it can be revived if I don't move out. And I don't think I can ever revive my business.. I'm have an open mind right now and I'm evaluating what to do. I can go either way, or even no way. But I need to take some decision..
Birthday suggestions
35 & Over Community / by plumBeechwood7549
Last post
 February 23rd, 2023
...See more Hi everyone.. this year I want to start a new tradition for my birthday, which I would like to follow on for the coming years too. I am not interested in social ideas or anything. I just want to do something for myself, or something I can do by myself.. Any ideas?
Birthday anxiety
Anxiety Support / by plumBeechwood7549
Last post
 January 26th, 2021
...See more I have not a great experience on my birthday as a child. As much as I can remember, I have always cried on my birthday and had too much drama to deal with, at home and with friends. Plus I have a lot of social anxiety too. So for the past many years I don't enjoy celebrating it like going out drinking or eating. My anxiety sky rockets and this starts a month ago due to anticipation. For some years a faked it, being happy and all, but I can't take it anymore. My closest friend knows this but it just doesn't make a difference. Every year they ask me how I want to celebrate. I have tried and failed to explain to them repeatedly that I'm not comfortable doing this, but I realized that it's like talking to a wall. So I improvised and the last 3 years I lied and got out of it. It was the best thing ever. Now it's started again, the same process but I've run out of excuses. Even the pandemic is not an excuse since there aren't many people and my friend will insist on meeting with all precautions. I'm thinking of being very blunt and telling them that I am absolutely not interested in any 'celebrations' this year. But I don't know how to approach this, for me and for them. I'm extremely scared too, just anxious scared. Any suggestions? How can I get out of this?
Telling someone to back off despite good intentions
Relationship Stress / by plumBeechwood7549
Last post
 August 2nd, 2020
...See more I would like to ask something. This friend of mine whom I have known for many years recently started talking to me about my depression and anxiety (Which in itself is weird because it was totally out of the blue). And this person has good intentions, that much I know but not exactly good 'advice', if you know what I mean. At first I just listened and said yes I'll try this advice and do this technique etc, but in the past few months the advice has sort of increased and honestly it's not really doing anything for me. I mean this friend doesn't even listen to me or ask about how I'm doing just kind of delves straight into their opinion. So how do I approach this? How can I tell this person that anything they are saying is actually adding to my anxiety? How can I explain that I don't want advice rather just a friend or listener without hurting their feelings?
Lockdown anxiety
Anxiety Support / by plumBeechwood7549
Last post
 May 2nd, 2020
...See more I know I may be irrational, but I'm beginning to have a lot anxiety now because of the current situation. I cannot go to work because I'm not in a work from home industry, and everyone around me are still working from home. They cannot understand what situation I'm in and I can't talk about it. Even if I do it's a helpess time. It's been two months and all the plans I had for my business are now delayed for 1 year. I don't know what to do anymore, how to earn. I'm beginning to worry too much and getting really distraught!
Stressful incident
Anxiety Support / by plumBeechwood7549
Last post
 February 3rd, 2020
...See more I just had a very stressful evening.. Someone was trying to convince me to go to a wedding reception even though I was completely uninterested in it. Just the thought of going there when I don't know anyone and just standing and trying to mingle was causing me so much distress and anxiety! So the whole thing resulted into a fight and I too was quite dramatic about it. However, it did get resolved and the person understood how unhappy I was about it, so I'm really thankful that I didn't have to go! But the worst part is after they left I have been feeling so guilty about the whole thing and maybe I shouldn't have behaved like that, or said such things. I mean I would anyway choose to just not go but I just feel like crap when someone is convincing me and I still say no, it's like I'm letting them down. It feels wrong... And I know it's not my fault or anything but it's strange that I Still feel guilty about it! I'm so so stressed, my whole evening was ruined even though I got to stay at home.. I just wanted to share how I'm feeling. Thank you for reading.
learning to deal with it.
Anxiety Support / by plumBeechwood7549
Last post
 August 6th, 2019
...See more when my best friend told me she is getting married, i didn't know how to react. i was surprised, because i didn't know she was so serious, and i was happy, but i also thought about how our relationship will change. as the day passed, my feelings settled and i understood how truly happy i felt for her. but since my relationship with her had been quite strained for a long time, i started wondering what lies in store for me, for us. will her new friends overshadow me at the wedding? will she involve me as much as i expect or am i just expecting too much? how much does she expect from me? i got stuck in this spiral and realised that i have to break from it. i worked on it, i worked for a long time and I continue to even today, but i have come a long way from those thoughts and all that anxiety. i started to work on it months ago so when finally her wedding day arrived, i couldn't have been happier, focusing on her big day, rather than feelings which i assume in my head. her wedding turned out to be perfect, not only free from all the irrational fears i faced, but also as per her wishes!! i was completely socially burned out (and took time to recover from all that anxiety for a few days!) but was it worth it! i am especially happy that i was there for her, and i was able to be of help to her alongwith being able to handle my thoughts too! a year back, i was very scared of this, but i am extremely happy that i have made some progress. I still have all that anxiety in my head, but now I know that I am capable of living with it by learning how to deal with it.
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