Never Got Closure

(WARNING: VERY LONG)

I had a best friend from between the ages of 14 and 20. We were very close and helped each other with a lot of our mental difficulties and trauma. She had ADHD/depression/anxiety and I had PTSD/depression/anxiety. I never minded her ADHD because I liked how creative and free spirited she was compared to me. I told her it was a part of her I appreciated, and I knew it could be hard but I didn't ever want to change her. We had a bunch of sleepovers and were genuinely best friends. But when we started going to college, she started to hang around other groups of more popular students and go to their parties. I wasn't invited, and when I was it was half-hearted, like an afterthought. When I would decline they would seem relieved. Her friends were mean to me and no one noticed until I brought it up as the reason I didn't want to go anywhere. Then they started acting extra nice because they felt guilty and inviting me even though they didn't want to. Suddenly my friend was only texting me when she wanted to complain about her own problems or talk about her accomplishments. If I brought up anything new from my life they would briefly acknowledge it but then force the conversation back to themselves. They had started dating this guy in high school who I was eager to like, but he said something racist directed to me and my heritage and he was a pretentious hipster. I was shocked that she just overlooked it because she always claimed to be progressive and she was also a person of color. She promised to get him to apologize but then got frustrated when I said it didn't matter if he apologized because she would be making him and it wouldn't mean anything. I said I just didn't like him and that was that. They dated for a long time and she kept bringing him over to hangouts that were supposed to be for just me and her to catch up. I had to invite him to parties I invited her to because she pressured me and I didn't want to make her sad. Then a grandparent she was close to died, and I didn't see her for a long time. I comforted her, of course. I said if she needed anything she just had to tell me. She never asked me for anything. After not seeing her for a while, I invited her to a Halloween party with my other friends to reconnect. I was so excited, I didn't even care that she was bringing her boyfriend. But when we went to go to a haunted house, she said she was too anxious to go inside, and it would trigger her after her grandparent's death. I immediately apologized for not being more thoughtful, expressed concern, and told her she could stay at my house with her boyfriend while I went with the others, and then we could hang out after. But then she got really uncomfortable and fidgety, and finally admitted that she was going to a rock concert with her boyfriend that was being held at her college. That she had only heard about recently. When I had planned this party in advance. I looked at her and my expression must have been so bad that she immediately started apologizing. She was trying to justify it. I looked her in the eyes and said something like "Just go. If you want to go, then go. But don't keep making excuses." After that we stayed friends for a while, but my heart was broken. I decided to ignore her and slowly let our friendship drift apart. She texted me more than she had in years, with good mornings and saying she wanted to check in and such. Finally after a while of that I just told her that I wanted to stop being friends because the amount of times she texted me made me uncomfortable and I thought we were already not friends, that we were drifting apart naturally and we should just let it happen. She asked me if she had done anything wrong to cause this and if she could apologize and make it right. I lied to her. I told her it was just natural and to not blame herself. And then I blocked her on everything. Now, 4 years later, she is no longer with that asshole. I know because his Facebook says "Single". I check up on them sometimes because I always saw that situation as her choosing him over me, and I wanted to know if it was worth it. I admit I did a lot of things wrong in that friendship too. I was judgmental, I was jealous of her social skills, I did not forgive easily, I had no clue how to help her through her grieving because I had never lost someone. But I was loyal and was there for her even when she stopped being there for me. I wish I hadn't lied to her and I could have vented to her about what she did. But at that point I just wanted it to end and I didn't want to guilt her into behaving better temporarily. I've thought about her a lot over the years and I miss her. But I also can't forget how she accidentally hurt my feelings over and over. She blamed a lot of it on her ADHD, but I have had other friends with ADHD since then who have never neglected me like she did. I just wasn't interesting or "new" enough for her. I don't know what to do about this, how I stop feeling bad about it. Sorry for the long rant.