Not sure about Marriage
Finding it hard to talk about this with people in my life and I wanted to reach out to this community.
My girlfriend and I (both early 30s) have been together 3.5 years and have lived together for 2. We are reaching what feels like an ultimatum point although it may not be an actual ultimatum. She is running out of patience with me not proposing and all her friends have been getting married the last couple years, so there is pressure. She wants me to take her ring shopping next week for her birthday and to be engaged around the end of the year.
I’ve been driving myself crazy going back and forth about this decision for over a year now. I’m not sure how I feel about marriage in general, and starting a family yet, although I think I do want those things. I have always liked my alone time and gotten more bored and depressed as long term relationships go one. There’s still a part of me that wants to run away and start over in order to focus on myself and grow, and it seems to be a gut feeling in the middle of the night. The other rational side of me knows that I might be happier if I make the choice and take away all other options. I am very physically attracted to her but get annoyed often by what she wants to talk about all the time. She is very emotional and I’m not. I am reserved and not as in touch with what I want, but am working on it.
I feel like I’ve lost myself a bit and my life revolves around her. I feel a bit trapped, and everyone I talk to like family, friends and my therapist give vague, safe advice that isn’t very actionable or helpful. I’m not sure what to do and the time pressure has stressed me out a lot, affecting my sleep and mental health.
You’re young, it’s understandable. Men and women don’t think alike. I see her point of view. I’m in the same situation.
Tell her how you feel. Your relationship sounds strong, you might be surprised at how understanding she’ll be. No woman wants to lose a guy they love over peer pressure to marry. If I were her, I’d appreciate the guy saying… yes I love you…and yes, I see a future with you… you deserve the best…but honestly, I’m not at my best…yet…so please be patient.
A promise ring helps.
But on the other hand, if you’re having second thoughts and don’t see a future or want one with her…let her go, so she can be happy with someone else that’s deserving of her.
Time is the most precious thing anyone can give another person. Don’t waste it. (Just my opinion).
@sxn814
We have had discussions where I have calmly told her those things and even reasons why I am having trouble with it, including mental health, but that I am working on it. She will get very emotional in the heat of what then turns into a 24 hr argument and doesn’t seem to want to understand my perspective, just says I should know after this amount of time. She says even if we didn’t get married I just want you to tell me I want to be with you forever. To me that or a promise ring is just as difficult if I don't know for sure. Other people have no problem saying things like this to stay in a relationship even if it turns into a lie years down the road. It’s the only thing you are supposed to commit to forever and I can't help but have doubts about the reasons for it in our society sometimes. I agree how valuable time is and I don’t want to waste either of ours. It can be very hard on either side.
I hear you feel mentally unstable. What stressors do you feel you need to work on?
Wanting space is understandable.
Have you been able to communicate this?
Do you have an outlet…away to be alone, to gather thoughts and relax?