My relationship sometimes makes me....

Want to just scream. 

It doesn't really matter what i say or what I do, I am always wrong. He thinks I gaslight him by telling him how things he said make me feels. He says that it is him using empathy when he tells me the mean thing my friend said about me to him days ago. But in my mind there's no real point bringing up something like that days after it was said, all it does is hurt me and he can't see that, and said that I am making him out to be the bad guy. He said that all I ever do when I complain about him is make him look like the bad guy and don't tell people about the good he does like buy me food when we go out and pay for my waxes. Our last argument started because I was talking about wanting to go for a promotion and he asked me about my car, asking if my car would take it, and I asked him not to be negative, and he got upset saying he wasn't being negative, that he was talking pros and cons, and I said I dont want to talk about that and it just escalated from there. He says we can't ever talk about serious things. But it is my decision. We don't live together. All we do is see each other when he is here, we sleep together, we go on little dates, And this is going to make me look really bad but we have been dating for over a year and like 3 to 4 months into dating him, I found out he was married. I know I am a bad person for not ending the relationship but he was the first guy who would treat me sweet. 

What frustrates me so much about this relationship is that sometimes I feel like he thinks I am a stupid young girl he can control because he is older than me (only by 7) and that if I even disagree with him, I am starting huge issues. Also, the double standards are real. He can be unfaithful but I can't even talk about other men or talk to other men, and he recently got upset because he was told (incorrectly) that I was bragging about an ex and talking about wishing I could talk to men without getting caught by him. 

Honestly a part of me is scared he is going to find this post because he does know i spend a lot of time on 7cups but I hope that he does not decide to come check this out but I guess if he brings this post up, it is a sign that he is toxic, right? I feel like im not allowed to vent about I feel and that I walk on eggshells with him. I don't even know if what i feel for him is love or just the fact that I do not want to be alone. I work a lot beyond when I see him, I do like the companionship and the physical intimacy is where we shine the best I guess, which is sad.