My boyfriends friends aren’t successful
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. He has a group of friends that don’t do much with their lives, some are don’t get me wrong. But the others just sit around doing little to nothing. I find that every time he is around the ones doing nothing he becomes unmotivated and sometimes even lost his job trying to hang out. We live together. I love him, but how do I continue to prioritize someone who keeps these “friends” who are unmotivated around ?
Hi orangePerson4161. Have you had any discussions with him about how he acts when he's around his friends?
I actually have tried too. 1. I don’t think I’m expressing it appropriately 2. He tends to see the length of the friendship more important. So he sees the quantity over quality in a way .
1. How would you say you're approaching him? 2. I understand that, and friendship is important in any relationship. Having said that, it sounds like you are prioritizing a healthy relationship, whereas he may not be. Trust me, I've been there many time- where you almost want permission to stay with the guy or that you want others to give you some sort of answer or light to look at so that you can tell yourself it's okay to stay. Please don't do this to yourself. Do not blame yourself for not having the tools to work with someone who doesn't work with you. Do not make excuses for him. There are different approaches; you're right. However, there are only so many ways to approach somebody. Love yourself before you love him. If you let these things slide, they will stagnate or get worse. What if you married him, and he called you a derogatory name? What if you had a child by him and he called the child a derogatory name?
I react on emotion. I always have. I become emotional and yell or say things I shouldn’t. I don’t know certain friends because he knows not too bring these friends around me. At one point we had an eye opener moment, where it was like “I don’t really go around so & so anymore because he does things that can put me in a situation” but then one day their hanging out again. So it’s like ?? It’s very confusing when we have these growth moment and then we find ourselves back in them. It’s one friend in particular and maybe I’m a “hater” I just don’t agree with the way his friend lives his life. He’s not an asset to my boyfriends life at all but more so a liability. We’ve come so far in our relationship & he’s helped me grow + supported my mental health journey. But I don’t ever want to be the woman to say you have to choose me or your friend. I’m starting to feel like I have too ?
If he's truly helped you with your growth and mental health, that is wonderful. Sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart about how he needs to take life more seriously if he wants to be with you. He can still hang out with his friends, but when a person matures, some things and people tend to fizzle out. He may still be on the fence. If he can hang out with his friends without backtracking, then that's fine. Sometimes you need to separate certain aspects of life from other aspects. You two need to take care of each other. Sometimes it will be more from person than the other. People fall down, but the strong ones get back up.
Wow, I love that. But my question now is. How ? How do you communicate your needs without making it only about you?
Thank you, hun. I see what you're saying. Approach him in a caring, loving, and gentle manner. Be open to his input, and let him speak freely. He does need to feel safe and comfortable to talk about the sticky things. Perhaps you two can come to a compromise of some sort, but do not let this be swept under the rug, as that can cause resentment. Be open and honest about what you want and how you envision the future, and let him know that you support him and that need his continued support as well. You two need to work together.