Idk what to do.

• @Osd123

Im sorry to hear your concerns about loss of closeness with your partner and relationship. I hope things improve for you soon. I hear that you are a very kind, determined and loving person who has invested a lot in making this relationship work. You deserve to be treated with just as much consideration and caring as you clearly treat others.

You express many worries and concerns. I wonder if you are worried that your partner will leave you, or has already emotionally left you. This is naturally a very painful and difficult thought to have. So your need for clarity is very understandable and your attempts to communicate and discuss this with your partner, commendable. Particularly in the face of their apparent unwillingness to communicate.

Here on 7 cups, I have met a concept of treating yourself the way you would treat a good friend. I wonder, if you were to re-read your post as if it was written to you by someone you cared lots about, whether this might help you see something that can help you decide what to do.

It sounds like you have several hard choices to make, but I'm confident that you will make the right choices for you. I hope you find happiness and the closeness you seek soon, but even if the outcome is difficult, you will find a way though it, and we are always here for support if you need it.

Love and best wishes.

@Osd123

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There’s a few things I would like to point out;

I was unemployed and they worked from home so we were always together, so when I started that schedule for my job it was a struggle for my partner to be alone for such long hours. (I think he was starting to feel some kind of anxiety when he was away from you, but this feeling he was having had nothing to do with what you did or said. This is a sign they are certain things he had not overcome from his past and now they are coming to the surface). We had come to the conclusion that I needed a schedule change to where we have the same off days, (This shows how much you love and care about him.) which I had asked my boss about three months into my apprenticeship to change. This was an issue my partner had with me because I had waited so long to ask, they expressed to me that they felt like I didn’t care or wasn’t trying, (I can understand if he felt worried about not spending time with you, but the way he said “You didn’t care or wasn’t trying” was not okay to say to you. I think he felt like he was going to be abandoned, said those things as a way to make you do it, so he was more focused on how he felt at this time) which in reality it was my own anxieties of being told no, (I can completely relate with you on this one. The initial anxiety and fear of rejection takes over, and it becomes tough to ask for what you need. Do you feel that perhaps you are afraid to ask for what you need in fear of being rejected?) and eventually when I did ask, I got a yes. So after that schedule change I tried and tried so hard to show that I did in fact care deeply about how they felt and the feelings that they had expressed to me were extremely important, and ofc I was the one at fault in the situation, not them, (It’s understandable why this situation would make you feel this way, but so far it doesn’t seem like it’s your fault at all. You started something new, so at first schedule would conflict for a certain amount of time.) and I wanted them to know that. So I’ve been trying, as over the span of the apprenticeship we’d grown distant, things didn’t feel ok anymore. During this time, my partner had downloaded bumble, but had it set to the friends search instead of romantic relations, as we had no friends because we just moved. (I can tell you have been putting tons of effort on making this work for him, but the way he began downloading that app seems odd. You are doing the best you can to spend time with him, but it’s just odd the way he did this) My partner ended up meeting someone who was cool, and they eventually hung out with them and then later that day I joined once I was off work.. and after that they were at my house every day when I’d come home from work. I never had time alone with my partner. (This is a problem right here because he’s spending more time with this person than with you. You changed your schedule to be with him, and now he’s deciding to spend time with someone else…it’s not okay. It’s like if he doesn’t feel his needs are met, then he starts finding someone else to meet them. You are not at fault here, this is more of his fault) It was literally every single day. I tolerated it for a while as I understood the bright eyes towards having a new friend for the first time in years was exciting for both of us, but they seemed a little more elated about it than I, which, as someone with anxiety, sparked a lot of issues that I didn’t speak on for a while. (Its understandable you felt anxiety about this situation. This also may have cause you to feel disconnected from him, which can definetly add to how you feel. It’s not okay the way he’s spending so much time with this new person though) I had ended up asking my partner why this new friend was always over and it was mainly because of this new friends living situation, as they lived in an abusive home and came over often because it was an escape from being at home, (I understand this friend it’s going through a lot , but he met this person recently, and he’s already going above and beyond already?.) which I understood and accepted. But eventually, a couple weeks ago, this friend moved out of that home into their own, since then my partner has been over there every single day, leaving me on delivered for hours at a time, never responding, drinking and having fun with lots of new friends that many of which I haven’t met. (This is not okay either. He’s not putting the effort in this relationship to keep you happy, and his behavior it’s making you feel hurt and disconnected from him. His behavior right now it’s something that shouldn’t be tolerated. Perhaps you might have to think if this relationship is worth it?)I remember one night when they were at our house I came home from work and they were asleep on the couch together kind of close (This doesn’t sound good at all. Something must be going on here) (I have a sectional so they were on opposite sides of the couch but the only thing separating their heads from touching was a single pillow.) so not knowing what my partner is doing is constantly eating at me, especially because even when my partner is home, the second I pick them up they’re already texting their friend and smiling at their phone, never really wanting to talk to me. (So at first he got mad because of your schedule, so now that the schedule isn’t a issue then he wants to spend time with other people. You have dome everything possible to go above and beyond for this person, and it’s not okay the way he’s behaving) My partner also recently came out as polyamorous, (This is a red flag here, so he has spent a lot of time with other people, and now he has become polyamorous?…it’s not making any sense unlesss…)I am monogamous, and I told them I don’t want anyone else involved in the relationship, ((Great Job! You stood ground, and set a clear a boundary right there) and it kind of turned into a fight, and they ended up leaving and sleeping over at their friends house, this has never happened before, we’ve never fought that bad. (He wanted something that’s a clear violation of your boundaries, so turned this into a fight to get his way. He has proven to be more concerned about how he feels than how you feel, and willing to spend time with other people if he “doesn’t get his needs met”. It’s impossible to have a relationship with someone like him because they can’t be trusted) I asked my partner if they had feelings for their friend and they said no, which I can’t help but feel is a lie. (It is a lie…) All the pictures I see of them together they’re hugged up together, which I’ve told my partner makes me incredibly uncomfortable. (The way you feel is normal and understandable. It’s not okay the things he has been doing) I’ve been trying to be more verbal to them about my anxieties so they don’t build up, and I’ll wait a week and if something is still bugging me I speak about it, but it’s like no matter what I tell them about how im feeling it never sticks. (You are doing the best you can to share how you feel, but his behavior is showing he’s unwillingness to work on what’s making you feel uncomfortable) My partner will literally stay out until 4 or 5 in the morning on a work night drinking with their new friend while I’m home alone. (That’s very sad and hurtful to hear. You have done everything possible to spend time with him and make him happy. You don’t deserve the way he’s treating you. You deserve way better than this) They never invite me out, one night I got off early and I took my partner and this friend to my house to get ready for the night, and then they left as soon as we got there without even trying to invite me. and I haven’t seen this friend since they moved into their new house. (This is very disrespectful of both. You took them to your house, and then they decide to leave…) Even when I go pick up my partner, they walk my partner to the end of the drive way without even waving at me, and then they rush back into their house. I can’t tell if I’m being crazy or not anymore. I don’t know what is and isn’t my anxiety anymore. I can’t tell what’s real. I know a lot of this stems from jealousy, but I don’t even know if it’s jealousy anymore. (The way you feel is completely normal and understandable. I would have felt the same way you feel if I was in your shoes. I can tell you are not trusting your judgement and feelings, so it often makes you feel confused. Deep down, you know what you have to do) My partner complained about us never having time together (He has a fear of being alone and abandoned, so he expects people to spend every hour and day with him which is unreasonable. This is a feeling he has not worked on, so he blames you for it. You have done every possible to spend time with him and make him happy. You are a great partner, and you have shown it tons of times.) and how we never have romantic moments anymore, but they’re literally always there and even when they’re here they act like they want nothing to do with me, I start conversation but they reply dryly. I tried kissing them the other day and they told me I made them uncomfortable (that has never been an issue before meeting this new person) (That’s awful…you are trying to connect with him, but he’s saying it makes him feel “uncomfortable”….you don’t deserve this…) I’m beginning to resent and dislike their friends deeply because of this. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve tried communicating but it feels like a dead end. I need help. I really don’t know what to do. (You’ll have to really think what you’ll do going forward. It’s like i mentioned, you are truly a great partner and it’s something you have showed to him with words and actions. He has not been a good partner to you, and everything he has done to you and this relationship could have easily lead to you breaking up with him.)