Feelings for my best friend

i’ve been fighting feelings for my best friend for 3 years now, and every time i get to the point that I’m ready to finally move on, something happens that pulls us in closer together. She has made it clear that she isn’t interested in a relationship with me. And i am respectful of that. We truly are great friends. I love being close to her, but I’m tired of the feelings.

So I’ve been reaching out to other people. Trying to build community outside of my friendship with her and our mutual friends. I’ve been making more time for myself, and focusing on me and things i like to do apart from anyone else. I’ve been trying to stay in the present moment as much as possible, instead of thinking about her. I’ve been meditating in the morning. And I’ve been focusing on my career and finding new ways to build optimal success within my field.

it’s been working the past couple of months, but at this time of year, during the holidays, my brain wants someone to be with and hold and spend those intimate moments with, and it’s been more of a struggle lately. She’s been just popping up out of nowhere in my head and it’s been coming in quite strongly, and it feels familiar and warm and nice, giving my brain hits of dopamine, which makes it more difficult to shift my thoughts and be in the present moment. I can do it, but for some reason it’s been more difficult the past few days.

Normally, I would just shove it all down, and ignore it, and hope it goes away… But it hasn’t worked for the past three years. And I’m ready to make a change. I’m ready to love myself with the same intensity, that I love her. Which means building a life I’m in love with. Building some thing for myself so that I can love my life whether I’m alone or not. It to create habits and a lifestyle that can also facilitate a mutually beneficial relationship in the future, with someone who wants to be with me too 🙂

But for now, I have to focus on me. I have to create the life that I want.. I guess me reaching out like this is creating a new pattern. In the tough moments of my life I’m not just gonna shut down anymore. I’m not gonna blame anyone else anymore. I’m going to take responsibility for my own self, and I’m going to reach out so i can get in a better, more mindful, purposeful and healthy mindset, and move forward ❤️