Am i manipulative? (please reply and help) 💗
Please only honest opinions
I was dating this guy and he has told me i am manipulative. However these were NEVER my intentions and i feel really bad about myself.
I will explain the situation where he has thought im being manipulative in a second. But when he told me i was always manipulative i asked him for an example and he told me to have common sense and that he doesn't remember everything vividly.
The first situation i was manipulative in was when he labelled me a bad gf and it hurt me so i sent him a paragraph like explaining myself and telling him how much i loved him and in it i put "and im sorry im a bad gf" and then he was like "well thats quite manipulative" and i apologised and made it clear it was never my intention.
The second situation is when the breakup happened. I was in tears and wasnt really thinking. i practically begged him to stay, i told him " no but i think we could make it work, why are you giving up?" and he hesitated for a while and i didnt like the idea of forcing the relationship
so i followed up my texts with "its fine" and he told me it was manipulation and that its *** up i did that. in his defence it does look manipulative but, over text not everything sounds as sincere as it is, and i promise i genuinely have never wanted to manipulate him.
Maybe the guy is just bad at discerning people's intentions. Otherwise it just seems like he was gaslighting you into leaving a relationship he didn't want to continue.
@pupkitty
thank you for replying, he used to be my best friend before we dated which makes it harder. But he also has alot of personal problems which i think could be affecting him alot. He has told me he still likes me and the way he looks at me proves it, his friends have told him to get back with me but, he says he doesnt know and that i have messed up alot and including the manipulation and i feel really bad about it because his ex was very manipulative and controlling and he has recently compared me to her saying that i made him feel equally as *** and that im not as nice as i think i am
@pupkitty,
you are not manipulative.
@dukeofdearham
is that meant for me?
@exuberantBlueberry2488,
yes, sorry, copied the wrong username
@dukeofdearham
Thank you and No worries but i kind of see where he is coming from, like with the “its fine” it could be seen as trying to make him feel bad for breaking up with me
@exuberantBlueberry2488
It becomes very easy for someone to put labels like manipulative, passive-aggressive, controlling, toxic, abusive, etc when certain words or actions trigger them. As you have mentioned, he has a bad past with controlling and manipulative behaviour. It makes sense that he tries to put labels within that known zone for any words or actions that force him to feel bad again - even though it might be completely out of context. This label tells us more about him and his frame of mind, than it does about you - because what you have described is not manipulative. When you were called a bad gf, you accepted his opinion and explained yourself, even said sorry. What else was expected?
It is difficult to build a healthy relationship with someone who has not yet recovered from the trauma of their past. Sometimes it's a matter of timing, not even the person.
@0m
hi thank you so much for replying 🫶🏼 this explains alot. What do you think i should do when he mentions it again?how do i explain im not manipulative while not looking like im trying to gaslight him?
@exuberantBlueberry2488
I would try to approach it from his perspective since the word "manipulative" seems to mean something different to him than it does to all the rest of us. It might help to ask him "okay, I'm sorry that came across as manipulative, that was not my intention. Can you suggest how we can discuss this issue in a constructive way without putting that pressure on you?" If he thinks about it, perhaps he can himself show/tell you how best to get around his demons and talk to him where he feels safe (if that is what you wish to do).
@0m
sounds good, i will do that, i have already apologised and explained that it was never my intention but then he just said “so your naturally manipulative then?”
@exuberantBlueberry2488
Manipulation is where deception or lies are used to control or change how your partner feels or thinks.
In your situation, you simply disagreed with him. You had a different opinion, and explained why.
We are allowed to have different opinions in a relationship, we are allowed to disagree and express ourselves. You did so respectfully, while accepting his opinions.
It sounds like in his bubble, voicing a different opinion means being manipulative because he begins to question his own stance.
@0m
the manipulation comes from making him feel bad about him calling me a bad gf and making him feel bad for breaking up with me.
i think
he has a point on the second one because i see where it can be manipulative as im making him feel bad for breaking up with me but just was never my intention
@exuberantBlueberry2488
First situation - he labelled you a bad gf. he hurt you. Still, you said sorry for being a bad gf. Then he labels you manipulative. You say sorry again.
Second situation - He breaks up with you. You are shocked and beg him to stay. You want to work on the relationship. He does not reciprocate so you let it go. When you let it go, he labels you manipulative again.
There's a pattern in there.
@exuberantBlueberry2488
<3 Much strength and happiness to you!