Six Types of People You Cannot Help
Dharius Daniels, a pastor, has a YouTube channel and provided a talk about individuals who you may cross paths within your life that are not open to being helped, regardless of your desire, willingness, or ability. I felt that it is relevant to 7 Cups because so many of the people we'll encounter on our platform may fit into these categories. This has been a frustration to many Listeners, because they blame themselves, take it personally, or think they didn't do their job correctly -- even though, the conditions below were in effect. That simply is not true. I would bet that some Listeners have likely quit 7 Cups, because they felt they weren't making a difference.
Sometimes, to make a difference -- you must try to understand the depths and lengths you should go to help someone when these conditions apply.
You can't help people who don't think they need it.
You may think that you can convince them that they need it, but you're wrong. It's a fruitless exercise, only frustrates you, and frustrates them.
You can't help people who know they need it but don't want it.
I've met a few people in my life who had a drinking problem, and actually died from the problem. They professed to me that they knew they needed help, but didn't want it. There was no amount of convincing, educating, providing analogies, or helping them see a different path. If they don't want it, they don't.
You can't help people who don't want it, yet.
In order to genuinely help, they have to be ready to receive it. They may not be ready yet. There may be no timetable for them to be ready yet either. Your usual next question when they say they aren't ready is, "Well, WHEN?" They may not even know themselves. However, you cannot force them into a program or to help them when they aren't prepared or ready to receive.
You can't help people who don't want it, from you.
You're not a savior. Perhaps they want it from a specific someone, a certified counselor, or a therapist. Consider that maybe they don't want it from you because they worry about what that help may do to your relationship and the risks are too great. They must want it from you if you're to help them through anything and you cannot will them to want you to help them either.
You can't help people who aren't willing to do what it takes to get it.
They may need help, they may want help, but if they aren't willing to put in the full effort to receive it -- then, you're not going to make progress. Help is a two-way street, give and take, and in a lot of cases they must be willing to put in the time, effort, and energy to accept the help, grow from it, learn from it, incorporate it, and live it. Change is often very hard for people, and some are not up to the task to do what is necessary to experience real change in their lives.
@Sventek It seems to me we have procedures at 7 Cups to deal with the fourth of these, people who don't want help from you. They can be referred to another listener specifically, or choose another listener for themselves from the Browse Listeners page, or be referred to therapy.
The others never occur. Anyone who doesn't think they need help, doesn't want help, or doesn't want it yet, doesn't come to 7 Cups at all, and certainly doesn't request a chat. Or, to put it the other way around, anyone who requests a chat has already decided they need and want help right at that moment.
And the last one doesn't apply either. Anyone who requests a chat has just done precisely what it takes to get help at 7 Cups.
People you simply cross paths with in life are in a completely different relationship to you. They haven't sought out a support website and requested a chat. If you simply cross paths, then any of the five reasons you can't help them might indeed apply. You very often can't help someone you've just randomly crossed paths with. I feel it's important to recognize and respect that members who request a chat at 7 Cups have made a positive decision to reach out.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
"I feel it's important to recognize and respect that members who request a chat at 7 Cups have made a positive decision to reach out."
This is the only thing in your reply that I agree with, so we can agree to disagree on the rest. Additionally, I respect the fact that you have differences of opinion, that is what makes our country great. Yet, taking everything I've said out of context, applying it in ways in which it was never meant to be construed, and then effectively poo-pooing all over several of the posts I've made -- almost as if I'm targeted -- is counterproductive and unhelpful. This is not the first time you've done this and I've certainly taken note. I've let it slide in the past, this time I'm not.
Case in point, the post I made above -- is under the TOOLS category, for Relationships and Friendships. Many of the people who frequent 7 Cups, do have lives outside of the website. This general information is helpful to people who have encountered people -- on or off 7 Cups, where help to the individual may be applied or not -- based on the conditions I've listed. I think that, too often, we try to help someone -- when there is no help that can be provided. I can assure you, I've met people through my own chats on 7 Cups that fell into several of the categories that I wrote about, personally -- and I've also had other Listeners approach me frustrated because of those conditions present as well. Likewise, I've experienced the same in person.
Each and every post that I make is always done with thought, life experience, people's perception, and even scholarly research (in some cases cited). Although, this article was not scholarly, as noted.
Based on your "off the handle" response, I can also tell that you did not watch the video that I'd provided in the link. Perhaps that may have provided you with a bit more context, which is why I set up the link in the first place. I drew personal strength from the discussion he presented, felt that the tools and information *may* be helpful to those situations we face in everyday life AND on 7 Cups, thus I posted a helpful and short guide.
So, I'd ask that in the future, before you poo-poo on any of my writing -- try to think out of the box and look at the many reasons as to why I've posted it. You could also reach out to me directly if you have any questions. You'll find that I'm very open and willing to discuss my forum posts. Life is not as tunnel-visioned as you've replied with -- I see far beyond just 7 Cups and provide tools, spend time to provide knowledge people can use and find helpful and make sure that it's relevant to my audience regardless of location.
To be very clear, I do not find your need to rip forum posts to shreds with your personally narrow view helpful to the forum as a whole. I'd ask that in the future, if you'd like a debate -- I'd be more than happy to discuss what you disagree with and we can come to a consensus -- but, I'm simply not going to do this for every single post I create.
Thank you for understanding.
This post makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, because of what many listeners think of as 'help'.
When I connect 1-1, unless it's something very specific I am asking for (and that is mostly related to specific roles), I want an active listener.
Far too often listeners will take on a negative tone - well why are you chatting with me if you don't want my help? or it can take the form of blaming.
Would I like help so my symptoms as severe as they are? Absolutely. Can someone do that for me with active listening? No, and I don't expect that. Listeners often don't have the same expectations though. They seem to think if I believe in magical thoughts, was always positive, saw a doctor, used some homeopathic remedy, etc. etc. etc. that I will be cured. This isn't what listeners should be pushing, and it's unfair to dismiss someone as not wanting help when someone is just being realistic in what can and cannot be done.
@AffyAvo
You make excellent points.
Let's keep in mind that the location that this was posted in is within relationship "tools". People can opt to use it, or not. It may pertain to them and their situation, or it will not. I think that each time we connect to a person, either on 7 Cups or in-person, we must take it on a case-by-case basis. Not one method or way fits every situation because so many life situations are unique. The purpose, and intent, of the post, is to help someone who is working with another individual regardless of location (7 Cups or In-Person) understand that there are situations where you simply cannot provide the kind of help the person is seeking. On 7 Cups, there have been situations as you and I have both indicated where the Listener was frustrated because their "help" wasn't valued, accepted, or even warranted in some cases -- due to the fact that we're supposed to provide active listening only. I've written another posting on this very topic previously, about "why giving advice is a bad idea" which was decently popular.
My idea of help on 7 Cups is that we're here to serve exactly as you've stated, in the role of active listening. Many members that I've connected with appreciate the ear, empathy, and sometimes validation. Others, in some cases, have not -- had different expectations, didn't want to answer questions, didn't want to improve their situation, liked their pathway just fine, and we're expected to simply listen and provide encouraging words to soothe them. They may come to realize that they don't want the type of "help" that 7 Cups provides, in some cases realizing it mid-chat. This goes to explain why some members simply ghost a Listener.
Our training to become a Listener, I feel, is very clear about the terms of what "help" is on 7 Cups, so that is why I didn't provide a history lesson on the concept. Perhaps in my original post, I could have provided a disclaimer so that we're clear on what the meaning of "help" is on 7 Cups, versus offline.
To be clear, the focus of the tool is more for in-person connections than it stands for instruction on 7 Cups. I find value in providing knowledge, tools, and information to help people on and offline because we're don't spend our lives on 7 Cups. In fact, most of the situations I deal with are tied to in-person issues, impacting them deeply, looking for ways to help a friend, a spouse, a parent, their children, etc. For that purpose, this post certainly applies and could be very helpful to someone who wants to help those individuals -- but, simply cannot.
I hope that brings a bit more clarity.
@Sventek Yes, I understand where you're coming from. You're not the one creating the problem either. I can just imagine where some listeners would go with this post though, as there are so many who do seem to be clueless about how active listening itself can help.
@AffyAvo
So perhaps the golden question is, "How can we improve training for our Listeners regarding active listening and strengthen how we provide these services to our member pool?"
Another following question, rather necessary to the first, "How can we then measure our success in this area as a site overall?"
About me ,I just gonna talk about the sixth and that who wanna help but not from you as I dealt with someone like it
It was my closest friend and she is going through depression, school failure, and she hates her family....she started to getting close to me and then made agood friendship and we confessed our problems which it seemed similar but they weren't
Through the friendship I was always try to help her and suggested solutions to her problems ,but she never wanted to stand and fight she was always saying that out or my control, it's extremely hard...I know life isn't easy at all but we must fight, and don't drift with the stream ....After one year and abit some more with trying to help and persuading her that there's a line of hope at least, she charged me that I am bad one and selfish with no accurat reasons and she went away.....Add to that I was struggling with eating disorders and she never cared she saw me as spoiling girl who obsessed with her weight ,but thanks to the God she went I was going to be like her and give up ,and during I write that it's my recovery and I hope I continue
The another one was my brother who need help on his school life she says that he always anxious and worried about his marks....I offered many times to help him but he doesn't want me especially, he thinks I hate him and insulted what he going through
At the end help just helps people who really wanna to be helped , we can't help someone against them will
@passionateCup3122 I know what I wrote didn't include any thing related to listeners but I tried to bring real world examples
@passionateCup3122
That is perfectly ok. The intent of the post is to help off 7 Cups too. We do not live in the bubble that is 7 Cups, everything we do on 7 Cups is often for a person, or people, who maintain real lives outside of this website. Silly to have to say, but I swear sometimes we get so focused into an online persona or world - especially one that officially caters to anonymity - that we lose sight of the fact that everything we aim to do here impacts REAL people, REAL lives, and REAL situations offline, not just our "online community".
@Sventek
I for one appreciate your contributions. 
Thank you for the post. I see that you spent an inordinate amount of time on this to help us all.
I understand that there will be critics and as hard as we may try to good things around here, sometimes we just can't seem to get it just right to please everyone. It's going to happen. People will find fault with us and be unsupportive, no matter how very hard we try to contribute in a positive way. *hugs*
