Old and alone: Being over 40 and still having relationship problems
Hey all! I wanted to add this thread because I think it is important to remember young people aren't the only ones who have problems with finding healthy and happy relationships. This thread if for those of us over 40 who have still made bad relationship choices so we can talk about why we made them, what we did wrong, and how to begin, in the second half of our life to really love ourselves, spend our time with people who value us, and not let in destructive relationships anymore.
I have just ended a relationship that really should have never began. We were online friends, over the phone friends, but the one major hiccup in our relationship was that we were sexually incompatible. The other issue was that he did not like the way I responded to issues that were important to him.
I should have had the strength, and the relationship health to say, "This does not sound like we are compatible." and ended it right then in the first few months. Had I done that, I would have saved time, been in a completely different financial, physical, and emotional place, and he and I might still be friends.
I did not do that. He kept insisting on wanting a relationship with me, told me he loved me, I said it back because I did love him, but the relationship was all wrong, and those first two problems kept coming back. Eventually, he found fault with most everything about me, he did not like me to have any other male call me, whether it was a friend of my brother's or a coworker or a coach from my school.
And ultimately, he found another woman who he could talk with better.
My question is, "What did I do wrong?" Well, a lot.
I should have stuck to my healthy guns and hung up the phone on the relationship in the first 3 months when I found out we were sexually incompatible, and when he got so upset with me about the way I responded to something he cared about.
In any healthy friendship, you should be able to talk about everything without the other person getting upset, or at least terribly upset. You should have empathy for one another and see every conversation from both sides. At least that is where I am at now.
Also, the relationship needs to have a solid foundation in friendship and doing things together. Having interests in common or at least liking to do some of the same things. I see now that I did not really even have a relationship with him. I simply listened to him talk about what he was interested in, and when I didn't respond the way he wanted me to, he got upset with me.
This is not even close to a relationship.
My story goes on, but what about yours?
@Comfort2018
Thank you for sharing your story....it brought back some unpleasant memories but was very insightful.
@Comfort2018
I am over 50 my twin daughters moved abroad to college 3 years ago. My wife is obsessive about contacting then every day morning and night. Makes me feel like she would rather be with them than start the next stage of our life together when we have time and money to do the things we couldn't when bringing up our daughters.
I think sometimes that some people get depressed when they get in their 40s because they still think, or want to think, that theyre in their 20s ... and that also means competition for romance, that awesome car theyve always wanted, that big promotion at work, more money, even more money, a nice big house in the ‘burbs, etc..
Im 42, always been single because Ive always been a socially awkward geek, and I live in a big city and cant drive due to eyesight issues. Guess what? All thats OK, and Im totally OK with being a geeky big city spinster. 🤣 I like the idea of just having a stable and supportive network of friends to all help each other get through our lives and thats it. 🙂
@AbbyHarris1976
thank you for pointing me here!
@tbry
Youre absolutely welcome! 🙂
@AbbyHarris1976 Hey Abby, Thank you for your reply. I think probaby every person over 40s situation is different depending on what phase of a break up or relationship they are in.
Dealing with the pain of being alone, being unsuccessful at any kind of relationship is what really hurts me right now. Haveing any kind of real friendship at all has been a challenge my whole adult life, which is why I choose terrible relationships.
I am glad now that I am out of that very emotionally abusive situation and can start over in a way. But the damage of all the words said still lingers and that just takes time.
I am glad to have found this forum where we can talk openly about all this. There is no right answer, only your personal process.
Thank you for being a part of this listening and sharing space.
@Comfort2018
Youre welcome. 🙂
I have an additional problem in that I cannot drive due to a long list of eyesight problems, so I live in Chicago and use mainly public transportation and then Uber/Lyft (if the weather is a mess or Im going to a neighborhood that might not be safe). Ive gotten to like city life but a prospective romantic partner might not share my interest of wanting to stay in Chicago - he would likely prefer to drive and not deal with city parking issues among other things.
I had made a few attempts at online dating in the past, but got turned down because of these issues and it really was awkward for me, too.
So, I kinda thought being a middle-aged big city spinster aint so bad. 🤗😀
@AbbyHarris1976 Right, for me, right now, just forming really healthy relationships of any kind is my main focus. I mostly want to build friendships with people I feel good about, who are healthy in their own lives (and I don't mean so much physically healthy as much as I mean emotionally and mentally).
I had a pretty good relationship for five years. I ended it 3 years ago for various reasons, on big one though, was I developed feelings for another person, so much that I wanted to end my relationship. That was the first unhealthy move. While I knew my relationship with my boyfriend was over, I should have never immediately entered into a new one.
It felt like infidelity, and it was.
I have not been in a relationship, a real adult relationship, where both people have their lives and they blend them, with a person who I felt like was on my intellectual level and just had the same cultural values I have. I'm not a super genius, but I am not a bumpkin either. I need some intelligent conversation, and I would like the people in my life to be as motivated and personally responsible for their lives as I am.
@AbbyHarris1976,
I like the way you view things,I mean that's the main thing - learn how to be ok with who you are as an individual,accepting all your quirks and imperfections,work towards changing the ones that will make you a better version of the real you,the person you are supposed to be!I don't drive,either,n never learnt to,though my eyesight is pretty good for my age(I am 49 BTW):)Learn to love yourself first and then you will attract healthy people into your life!
I have been a single mother for more than five years now,doing my best to raise my 17 year-old son ,I actually quite like being me,I enjoy my freedom after a terrible relationship with my son's father,so I value my peace now.I quite like a thought I heard on a site for narcissistic abuse victims.It goes like. this:"In life you should follow your peace first and then follow your bliss!"Very much so,I guess!Have a nice day and good luck!
@intellectualCake2979
Thank you! 🙂 I actually organize a meetup group for narcissist abuse victims though I havent had time of late to plan events and those that I had previously planned had poor turnouts (I cant plan stuff in the ‘burbs because I cant get around there without a car & cant drive, and most of the members are from outside the city), so I will probably have to give this group up to someone who has more time to organize it and isnt as geographically and logistically challenged as I am. 😂
My other reason for not seeking out romantic relationships is because with social anxiety, its very awkward for me - its exactly like Lisa Simpson (on The Simpsons) trying to ask someone on a date. 🤣
@AbbyHarris1976,
Setting up groups for narcissistic abuse victims is a big hellp for such people,though I like the idea which I heard someone ccme up with on a site and it goes like this:"It's better not to define people as victims but maybe refer to the helping process as " empowering people to change their lives for the better"." I'm sorry to hear that you have social anxiety,I guess it makes it really difficult for you to meet and open up to new peoppe.Personally,I also have difficulty opening up to people,it takes a long time for me to trust someone!I am guarded most of the time,suspicious of people's intentions and so on.
Another lonely night in a house with my two kids and a woman whom Im married to.
Short story to how I got here. Got married over twenty years ago to my high school girlfriend. Joined the Air Force. Not in that order. Made some bad decisions which had a big effect on my wife. We had some kids and moved around a lot. Six years ago I made another bad decision and that pushed her over the edge. She basically fell out of love with me. Four years ago that came to a head and I found out that she didnt love/like me anymore. I handled that terribly, again making bad choices. Drove her further away.
That went on for a couple of years. We decided to get divorced at our twenty year anniversary so she could retain health benefits. Last January we decided to not get divorced the following July and see if we can make something work. We started having sex again. Things were ok-ish for a bit. Now theyre not.
I am not receiving what I need to feel loved and she cant give me what I need because she needs to feel secure. This causes me extreme anxiety and I struggle almost every minute of my waking day to not lose control of my emotions. Instead, I have to stay in a house where I have to watch her be happy without me and have all kinds of friends.
She is not a bad person and I totally deserve to be in trouble, but its tearing me apart. There is so much more to the story, but itd be the longest post ever.
@tbry I am sorry to hear you are going through terrible emotional times. I am glad though that you can admit your part in the situation. It sounds like you and your wife both find value in your relationship.
How are you supporting yourself? Do you have a self care practice? Excersize? Meditation? Faith?
I know for myself, I feel like I am the one in the most pain. I imagine my ex being happy and carefree talking on the phone with his new love interest. I have no idea if that is how he really feels as I can not go back or call, the relationship is too destructive for me. But he might be in as much pain.
Your wife may be covering her deeper emotions too. I hope you and she can find some support for the both of you together, talk about why the original problem between you started, look at that right in the face and be very honest with yourself.
I think as adults we tend to not be very honest about our own shortcomings. But in a loving environment, taking a hard look at ourselves can be easier.
Thank you all for sharing with me. Your stories and struggles help me go thorugh my own. Misery loves company as they say, and I concur, I do appreciate your company.
@Comfort2018
Thank you for the reply. 7 Cups is my only self heeling thing that I have. Until something changes, either she fully commits to making this crapshow of a marriage work or divorce, I am unfortunately stuck in this horrible middle area where I too get to watch her make this whole life that does not include me. She has had at least two boyfriends in the last couple of years. One of which I believe she is still kind of seeing. I dont know though. It could just be my brain lying to me. It likes to that a lot.
I was deployed last year and being away allowed me to relax and not have to deal with her in my face as a constant reminder of my feelings for her. I also had friends. True friends. It was so very nice. I cannot risk having friends right now. I had one, who was a female, and she ended up sleeping with someone. I had another one and she got mad and tried to bring it up in front of the kids. Hence, no friends. Again, while this makes her look bad, I can see where she is coming from and why she did it. It just hurts.
It is true. She has deep scars from her childhood that have a lot to do with how my past poor choices affected her. I was quiet selfish and blind to what I was doing. That was the catalyst to her initial falling out of love for me.
We go to the therapist on Friday. I am planning on asking her straight up if she wants a divorce. I am afraid of just asking for one because it may be a terrible mistake. I think she has the same feelings.
@tbry it sounds like there i a lot to talk through between the two of you. It also sound like you still care for her a lot. You mentioned being away let you get away from the feelings you had for her. Are those positive or negative feelings?
I wish you well on your session on Friday. It sounds like there are a lot of trust issues between both of you that need mending if possible.
@Comfort2018
The feelings werent positive or negative. They just werent the normal negative feelings and emotions I experience on a daily basis.
I dont think that she is able to care for me after all I have done. I think the stalling on divorce is because she doesnt want to hurt the kids and we really cannot afford me living somewhere else.
Everything is so complicated and there are so many factors its very difficult to explain everything without a three page back story.
@tbry Gotcha! My heart goes out to you. I know in my own situation, even though I knew my relationship was terrible, he kept calling as though he really needed me, and so I made myself available to him.
When the last straw was reached, even though I pulled out of the relationship first, it still felt like he rejected me. All of these feelings are terrible. And multiply that with children and years of marriage..I imagine it is pretty grueling to say the least.
If you have a faith, know that God is on the job and he knows what is the very best for us. Even though we may be going through pain, in the end, kindness, love, gentility, and grace are what we need.
I know for my own situation, I think about this all the time. I know the best outcome played out. I no longer fight with him, nor do I hurt him.
My thoughts are with you.
@tbry Just thought I would check in. Hope all went well with your counseling on Friday.
@Comfort2018
thank you for checking in on me. Friday did not go well. We have a session today, well see how it ends up. I started personal therapy this week as well as healthy thinking classes.
Ill be up front, things suck. I appreciate this forum and having a place to go when all else has fell through.
Old and alone! Lol! What a name. Im okay with it. Im 44. I was married at 22 (met him at 19). Stayed married for 17 years.. Ive been divorced for 7. I didnt realize my series of relationships would be complete disasters. Im sure I learned some things of value during it all, but geez, its been brutal. Im just gonna work on me for now. I have some great examples of what I dont want! Lol. Nice to meet you.
@fearlessPine2167
ooops. Been divorced for 5 years not 7.