where do I go from here? :(
Hi, im 25 and my (ex) boyfriend is 26 today.
We were in the process of buying a house together and he told me 2 days before we were meant to sign, that he couldnt make me happy and that we were two very different people. He suffers with depression and stated that whilst he was unhappy within himself, he couldn't give me what i wanted in the future which is marriage and children. He said that he didnt want to waste my time when this might never be an option for him anymore.
Naturally I was devestated and I desperately want him to change his mind and spend the rest of my life with him. I text him this morning saying happy birthday and that I missed him and he responded saying he missed me too.
I'm finding it so difficult and lonely without him :( I've wrote him a long letter with everything I feel and i'm hoping he'll pick it up in the next few days with the rest of his post, I just feel that he's thrown something away so special because hes scared of his own emotions
The doctor has put him on the waiting list for therapy again but he had it years before I met him and it didnt work so I feel like nothing is going to change and that I'll feel this way forever! :'(
Yeah, depression can really kill a relationship. I don't really know anything useful to say since it seems like you already have the right idea about him getting help for his depression. I guess just hang in there and show him that you still care and stuff. It seems that simply caring not giving up tends to really mean a lot to someone going through it.
@Phthalo thank you!
its so much tougher than I imagined!
he says he feels "safe" on his own which I can't seem to get my head around. I don't know why he felt unsafe?
xxx
@purpleCucumber5918 can you talk to him about why he felt unsafe? Being a depressed person myself, the only thing I can think of is being insecure. Just reassure him of your feelings and your devotion to him.
@Brooke91 thanks that's helpful, I might add a bit to my letter!
xx
@purpleCucumber5918 call him and talk? Or ask to see him in person?
@Brooke91 we've tried that he just keeps saying that he can't make me happy when I'm the happiest I've ever been with him!
I thought by leaving the letter with his post it's kind of the element of surprise and may make him think a it more than if I asked to speak to him again. But who knows.. 😔 xx
@purpleCucumber5918
Stay encouraged, just because therapy didnt work before doesnt mean it wont work on- he was a different person then, at a different point in life, and hopefully will be with a new therapist. Therapy can work and it does. I am sorry your heart must be broken right now, and that is such a difficult place to be in. Take care of youreself while you guys continue to try to work things out and always remind yourself that no matter the outcome you will be ok.
@purpleCucumber5918
just in case any of you were wondering...
he got my letter he still wants to be alone so that he can understand what he wants from life and how to make himself happy
he told me not to wait for him and to stop hoping for something that might never happen but that he loves me and just wants me to be happy.
my head is a mess. How can you just give up hope when you know someone is not well? Xx
@purpleCucumber5918 you need to think of yourself right now! I know you're hurting but you need to look after yourself. My ex has become horrid & hurtful, he wants me to just move on so I told him what he wants to hear, I don't want him back… it killed me because it's not true. But I need to find closure, get back on track with life & start looking after myself, just like you. The future is uncertain but you have the power to make it what you want, don't give up hope, stay strong & know that there are others out there who are going through the exact same thing & are available to talk always xx
@purpleCucumber5918 sorry you are going through this. depression is a he'll of a thing. my wife of almost 10 years told me a few months ago that she's not happey, doesn't know what she wants in life, not sure if she wants to be a mom half the time, and that she doesn't know who she is anymore. it flipped my life upside down when she said this to me as I thought we were bullet proof. we are still together but everything intimate has been put on hold while she figures things out. it's so hard because it's not really anything I did, rather she has had a confluence of things that "broke" her. it's like being with someone that has Alzheimer's as when she looks at me sometimes it's like she doesn't know me. the last two months have been hell for me but I am trying to be strong for me and my family while she works through this. I made a commitment to her for good times and bad I'll support her. I know she needs me even though she wants space to figure it out. I'm trying to balance both. the best advice I have been receiving has been to hang in there and be the best you can be. it's easier said than done as I struggle everyday. message me anytime to chat.
@purpleCucumber5918, Im very sorry to hear of your situation. I can only imagine how confused you are:( Keep trying to be strong and maybe try talking things over him. hang in there :)
@Helping2findAway thanks
yeah its 10x harder than I thought it would be.
i tried talking to him when he received my letter but he's adamant he needs to find whatever's going to make him happy in life. I just think he's scared of making a commitment even though he suggested it in the first place :( xx
@purpleCucumber5918 guys suck. sometimes I think they just need time to mature on their own. I'm finally starting to feel ok. Idk if this app has helped. it's been 4 months now. it took me 4 months to be ok. when i was doing much worse, I constantly wondered how long it would take to feel ok again. I don't really miss him anymore.
@Brooke91
im glad you're feeling better in yourself
im praying that I get to that point it's just so difficult when they don't give you a definitive answer and say they still love you.
leaves you always hoping and it's hard to move on from that xx
@purpleCucumber5918 ohh, trust me girl, I just went through that for 3 whole months. I know exactly how you feel. I hope I am giving you some hope that you'll feel better too. it may take 4 months for you too, but you'll get there. I finally feel Good enough to be able to watch tv again and stop being constantly angry.
@Brooke91
i just feel sad and lonely. Then the next moment I'm numb and feel nothing it's odd.
i know it sounds dramatic, but I feel like by the time I've got over this and ready to start trusting other relationships again, I'm going to be old! So maybe marriage and kids is not for me anyway!?
but you do give me hope that things will get better so thank you!
xxx
@purpleCucumber5918 you're welcome :) don't forget, I'm 25 too. if you're too old, then I'm too old lol. It just may take special people to let us be able to trust again. who knows, within the next 12 months, our guys could come back around realizing what they gave up.
@Brooke91 sorry lol, I know I'm being dramatic but you never know.
i really do hope so!!
fingers crossed for you, It's comforting to know we're not alone xx
@purpleCucumber5918 you're not being dramatic. I feel like I'm gonna die alone often, but I just try to focus on the present. We have a lot of years left to live, and a lot of people to meet. think about all the people you've met already in the past 25 years : P
@purpleCucumber5918, it must be very challenging listening to him say that :( ..However please reminder its quite important for us to take care of ourselves buring moments like that which you are faced with
I went to the doctors today. They've booked me for counselling x
@purpleCucumber5918 good for you! I too have been put forward for cognitive behavioural therapy, I have to wait 6 weeks for the earliest apppintment but my friends & family are around me to help during that time. Everyone will support you & in the end things will get better xx
@enthusiasticPenny9384 yeah I think my wait is around 4 weeks but I'm kind of proud of myself for doing something about it before I get worse.
hooe it works for you! X
@purpleCucumber5918 you should be proud! I hope it works for you too xx
@purpleCucumber5918
This is a tough one indeed...Buying a house, having made all these future plans and everything... It must be really tough on you and it is hard to find the right words to comfort you right now... however, I can tell you that forever is a long time and nothing stays the same forever. Change is the only constant in everybodies life. So I know this does not sound at all helpful but know that he will eventually figure himself out, with your help or without it. Maybe he left you also to have that time to figure himself out first. It might have been a wise decision on his part, wanting to figure himself out first, be the man you deserve and then start that life with you. :) Maybe this gives you another perspective on things... maybe it doesn't... but see if you can see it from the positive side to. Maybe this way you have time on your hands to sort yourself out too, do things that you always wanted to do but never got around to. I am not saying to give up on him, no not at all. But maybe give him the time he needs and then find your way back together :)
I hope this helped xx best of luck, you only deserve the best :)
@Ladybug11 Thankyou, that was lovely
I know I'll always love him. It just frustrates me that I'm the only one here for him and he's still pushed me away. He has no family and his friends don't know about his depression as he wanted to keep it a secret.
Maybe one day he'll figure things out but I have little hope at the minute :( xxx
@purpleCucumber5918
Try and find happyness in other ways :) new hobbies etc. Friends.. Time heals a lot of wounds and he will know soon how valuable you are to him <3 I just hope he finds his way back in time
