where do I go from here? :(
Hi, im 25 and my (ex) boyfriend is 26 today.
We were in the process of buying a house together and he told me 2 days before we were meant to sign, that he couldnt make me happy and that we were two very different people. He suffers with depression and stated that whilst he was unhappy within himself, he couldn't give me what i wanted in the future which is marriage and children. He said that he didnt want to waste my time when this might never be an option for him anymore.
Naturally I was devestated and I desperately want him to change his mind and spend the rest of my life with him. I text him this morning saying happy birthday and that I missed him and he responded saying he missed me too.
I'm finding it so difficult and lonely without him :( I've wrote him a long letter with everything I feel and i'm hoping he'll pick it up in the next few days with the rest of his post, I just feel that he's thrown something away so special because hes scared of his own emotions
The doctor has put him on the waiting list for therapy again but he had it years before I met him and it didnt work so I feel like nothing is going to change and that I'll feel this way forever! :'(
Yeah, depression can really kill a relationship. I don't really know anything useful to say since it seems like you already have the right idea about him getting help for his depression. I guess just hang in there and show him that you still care and stuff. It seems that simply caring not giving up tends to really mean a lot to someone going through it.
@Phthalo thank you!
its so much tougher than I imagined!
he says he feels "safe" on his own which I can't seem to get my head around. I don't know why he felt unsafe?
xxx
@purpleCucumber5918 can you talk to him about why he felt unsafe? Being a depressed person myself, the only thing I can think of is being insecure. Just reassure him of your feelings and your devotion to him.
@Brooke91 thanks that's helpful, I might add a bit to my letter!
xx
@purpleCucumber5918 call him and talk? Or ask to see him in person?
@Brooke91 we've tried that he just keeps saying that he can't make me happy when I'm the happiest I've ever been with him!
I thought by leaving the letter with his post it's kind of the element of surprise and may make him think a it more than if I asked to speak to him again. But who knows.. 😔 xx
@purpleCucumber5918
Stay encouraged, just because therapy didnt work before doesnt mean it wont work on- he was a different person then, at a different point in life, and hopefully will be with a new therapist. Therapy can work and it does. I am sorry your heart must be broken right now, and that is such a difficult place to be in. Take care of youreself while you guys continue to try to work things out and always remind yourself that no matter the outcome you will be ok.
@purpleCucumber5918
just in case any of you were wondering...
he got my letter he still wants to be alone so that he can understand what he wants from life and how to make himself happy
he told me not to wait for him and to stop hoping for something that might never happen but that he loves me and just wants me to be happy.
my head is a mess. How can you just give up hope when you know someone is not well? Xx
@purpleCucumber5918 you need to think of yourself right now! I know you're hurting but you need to look after yourself. My ex has become horrid & hurtful, he wants me to just move on so I told him what he wants to hear, I don't want him back… it killed me because it's not true. But I need to find closure, get back on track with life & start looking after myself, just like you. The future is uncertain but you have the power to make it what you want, don't give up hope, stay strong & know that there are others out there who are going through the exact same thing & are available to talk always xx
@enthusiasticPenny9384
thankyou. I understand how you must be feeling.
I had no idea it would be this hard, I cry every single day. I'm exhausted xxx
@purpleCucumber5918 I totally understand, I really do. I don't sleep, hardly eat, I feel my heart breaking every day. I've tried drinking the pain away, but that doesn't help either.
I'm tired of hurting myself over something I can't control. I'm looking to talk to my doctor as it's simply not fair to carry on like this. I poured my heart out to my ex, it did nothing except hurt me. I have my friends around me who are a magnificent support group, they know my past (my ex husband cheated on me), I have all my work colleagues who are diamonds too. I look to the ones who I know will help, it takes time to heal, I still am & it's painful to think of life without that person but maybe just maybe, they're not the one for you xx
@enthusiasticPenny9384
thank you.
i thought about going the doctor too but I'm scared they'll just say I'll get over it in time. It honestly feels like something I'm never going to get over at the minute 😥xx
@purpleCucumber5918 I spoke to the doctor, she was lovely, understanding & willing to listen without judgement. She wanted to make sure I was fine, checking my weight & general health. She gave me the number of a counciling group who I'm going to call in the morning. Today has been emotional, no reason other than I'm terribly sad right now. I've found speaking to anyone hard without getting upset so I've just tried to be quiet.
It really is worth sharing your feelings with a doctor, they're trained & can offer the best advice for moving forward xx
@enthusiasticPenny9384
thanks,
I'll see how I go but that definitely puts me at Essie of going now xx
@purpleCucumber5918 ease*
@purpleCucumber5918 I've done it, I phoned the counciling service & I have an appointment to talk to someone in November as they're super busy. Everything is hard at the minute, even waking up in a morning is hurting as I know it's another day I'm not with him. I hate myself for caring still, I want it to go away & I'm hoping that the counciling will help mend my destroyed heart as it's truly hurting physically & mentally.
don't let things go too far before seeking help, I should have called a while ago then maybe I'd be on a road to feeling better sooner. Believe me when I say all we have done is love someone with our heart & soul, put ourselves out there for the one we love but unfortunately we're not their one.
Stay strong & always here for talks!! xx
@enthusiasticPenny9384
thats great that you've took that step forward! Welldone!
i really hope it helps you!! You deserve it!
i'm genuinely thinking about it myself...
i know the waiting lists are huge where I live though xxx
@purpleCucumber5918 all the more reason to talk now. I have left it & it's building up in my head, affecting work, sleep, eating habits & pretty much general day to day life. I was questioned if I'd ever do anything to hurt myself, I want to believe I wouldn't but that's why I need to talk to someone who is a professional & can help with how confused I feel.
My doctor provided me with a free service as I know going through the NHS takes 6 months to get an appointment, I can't wait that long, no one should & nor should you xx
@enthusiasticPenny9384
thank you,
I think my work might be able to sort something out for me, they've given me leaflets because I've also been breaking down at work
i just wish I could get him sorted out and I know it would make me feel a lot better just knowing he was ok x
@purpleCucumber5918 I know you do but you can only help him if he's willing to get help & that was my downfall.
Stay strong xx
@purpleCucumber5918 sorry you are going through this. depression is a he'll of a thing. my wife of almost 10 years told me a few months ago that she's not happey, doesn't know what she wants in life, not sure if she wants to be a mom half the time, and that she doesn't know who she is anymore. it flipped my life upside down when she said this to me as I thought we were bullet proof. we are still together but everything intimate has been put on hold while she figures things out. it's so hard because it's not really anything I did, rather she has had a confluence of things that "broke" her. it's like being with someone that has Alzheimer's as when she looks at me sometimes it's like she doesn't know me. the last two months have been hell for me but I am trying to be strong for me and my family while she works through this. I made a commitment to her for good times and bad I'll support her. I know she needs me even though she wants space to figure it out. I'm trying to balance both. the best advice I have been receiving has been to hang in there and be the best you can be. it's easier said than done as I struggle everyday. message me anytime to chat.
@Confused197
thats so sad, I hope things are a little better for you. I can't imagine what you're going through being together 4 times longer than we were :(
depression is horrible, I felt helpless
@purpleCucumber5918 thank you. they are going okay. not a lot has changed. she is a little better around me, and she'll let me give her a morning hug. I asked if I gave her a kiss and she said she is not ready for that. I hope that means she thinks she will be at some.point just not now. after the last few months of hell and shitty stuff she has said to me I wonder why I still want it to work. I still love her i guess that is why, and this depression is not her. I just hope I can stay strong enough to help our family through this and get back to some good times
@Confused197 yes that sounds hopeful!
Fingers crossed for you xx
@purpleCucumber5918 thank you it's hard every day today especially. much of it is in my head
@purpleCucumber5918, Im very sorry to hear of your situation. I can only imagine how confused you are:( Keep trying to be strong and maybe try talking things over him. hang in there :)
@Helping2findAway thanks
yeah its 10x harder than I thought it would be.
i tried talking to him when he received my letter but he's adamant he needs to find whatever's going to make him happy in life. I just think he's scared of making a commitment even though he suggested it in the first place :( xx
@purpleCucumber5918 guys suck. sometimes I think they just need time to mature on their own. I'm finally starting to feel ok. Idk if this app has helped. it's been 4 months now. it took me 4 months to be ok. when i was doing much worse, I constantly wondered how long it would take to feel ok again. I don't really miss him anymore.
@Brooke91
im glad you're feeling better in yourself
im praying that I get to that point it's just so difficult when they don't give you a definitive answer and say they still love you.
leaves you always hoping and it's hard to move on from that xx
@purpleCucumber5918 ohh, trust me girl, I just went through that for 3 whole months. I know exactly how you feel. I hope I am giving you some hope that you'll feel better too. it may take 4 months for you too, but you'll get there. I finally feel Good enough to be able to watch tv again and stop being constantly angry.
@Brooke91
i just feel sad and lonely. Then the next moment I'm numb and feel nothing it's odd.
i know it sounds dramatic, but I feel like by the time I've got over this and ready to start trusting other relationships again, I'm going to be old! So maybe marriage and kids is not for me anyway!?
but you do give me hope that things will get better so thank you!
xxx
@purpleCucumber5918 you're welcome :) don't forget, I'm 25 too. if you're too old, then I'm too old lol. It just may take special people to let us be able to trust again. who knows, within the next 12 months, our guys could come back around realizing what they gave up.
@Brooke91 sorry lol, I know I'm being dramatic but you never know.
i really do hope so!!
fingers crossed for you, It's comforting to know we're not alone xx
@purpleCucumber5918 you're not being dramatic. I feel like I'm gonna die alone often, but I just try to focus on the present. We have a lot of years left to live, and a lot of people to meet. think about all the people you've met already in the past 25 years : P
@purpleCucumber5918, it must be very challenging listening to him say that :( ..However please reminder its quite important for us to take care of ourselves buring moments like that which you are faced with
I went to the doctors today. They've booked me for counselling x
@purpleCucumber5918 good for you! I too have been put forward for cognitive behavioural therapy, I have to wait 6 weeks for the earliest apppintment but my friends & family are around me to help during that time. Everyone will support you & in the end things will get better xx
@enthusiasticPenny9384 yeah I think my wait is around 4 weeks but I'm kind of proud of myself for doing something about it before I get worse.
hooe it works for you! X
@purpleCucumber5918 you should be proud! I hope it works for you too xx
@purpleCucumber5918
This is a tough one indeed...Buying a house, having made all these future plans and everything... It must be really tough on you and it is hard to find the right words to comfort you right now... however, I can tell you that forever is a long time and nothing stays the same forever. Change is the only constant in everybodies life. So I know this does not sound at all helpful but know that he will eventually figure himself out, with your help or without it. Maybe he left you also to have that time to figure himself out first. It might have been a wise decision on his part, wanting to figure himself out first, be the man you deserve and then start that life with you. :) Maybe this gives you another perspective on things... maybe it doesn't... but see if you can see it from the positive side to. Maybe this way you have time on your hands to sort yourself out too, do things that you always wanted to do but never got around to. I am not saying to give up on him, no not at all. But maybe give him the time he needs and then find your way back together :)
I hope this helped xx best of luck, you only deserve the best :)
@Ladybug11 Thankyou, that was lovely
I know I'll always love him. It just frustrates me that I'm the only one here for him and he's still pushed me away. He has no family and his friends don't know about his depression as he wanted to keep it a secret.
Maybe one day he'll figure things out but I have little hope at the minute :( xxx
@purpleCucumber5918
Try and find happyness in other ways :) new hobbies etc. Friends.. Time heals a lot of wounds and he will know soon how valuable you are to him <3 I just hope he finds his way back in time
