weird gray area with girlfriend
i struggle with really bad anxiety and ptsd, i have for a while. even with therapy before, i find it hard to cope without medication, but i always try my best. me and my girlfriend's relationship has never been perfect, but i know that not all relationships are. what matters most to me is that we're dedicated to each other, and i'm happy to do what i can to support her. i love them deeply, and our relationship is hugely important to me and my life. -
unfortunately, due to my mental health problems, it's hard to have functioning relationships a lot. that's been the case for me ever since i was young. throughout my relationship with my girlfriend, i've let my anxiety get the better of me many times, and in my assumptions and my fears and my struggle, i've unfortunately caused them a lot of pain. i am absolutely not proud of this, and i always do what i can to support her as well, as i know supporting me is not easy. -
it's happened again recently, where my anxiety made me afraid about something that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, and it made my girlfriend really upset. i apologized for my behavior, realizing that i was hugely overreacting, but usually with cases like these, the damage had already been done and the only thing i can do then is to continue to work hard on myself. i don't know if this was the last straw or not to her, but once they said they didn't want to come to my graduation anymore, i knew i really messed up. so i wrote a letter. -
my letter talked a lot about what i want for us, apologizing for what i've done, sharing my plan on what i intend to do with myself, how things she said made me feel as well, and how if i'm with her, then that's enough for me. i eventually sent it to them, and they didn't really know how to respond right away. i asked if we were still okay with each other romantically, and she said she didn't know. i asked if i could still say i love you, and they said they didn't know. so i've just been holding back on being romantic at all really, for their comfort as they work out how they feel and how she wants to continue with me. i'm just trying to stay patient for her as i wait for a response. -
it's all really just been a lot for me these past few days though. i feel a lot of regret, shame, and anxiety. sometimes i get angry when i'm by myself, and i've been crying a lot. it's hard for me to look at romantic things at the moment. i don't feel like i'm really living much anymore, just doing whatever i can to make the time and the days go by faster so i know where me and my girlfriend are at with eachother. i feel like they're treating me like just a friend and i don't like it. we've made so many plans for our future together and it feels like that's all crumbling apart so i'm just really struggling. i haven't gotten a clear answer yet, but i can't help but feel like she's going to call it over soon. -
i just wish i could get one more chance. just one more try at things, if we could start over. does anyone know how to cope during this time? and how i could prepare for a potential break-up forever with no chance at dating again/"let's just be friends"? i love her so much and it's just eating me up lately so really any support would mean a lot to me
@mobteru
Hey Moberu,
My name is FrenchMarbles, it’s really nice to meet you today!
It sounds like you’re a bit stuck at the moment, the situation is beyond your control, but I do want to focus on the positive stuff! You recognise where you went wrong and you’ve done your best to deal with it, and I think a letter is a good way to communicate as you can fill it up with your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes its quite hard for the receiver to read all of that as it can get overwhelming, but I would give it time, from what you’ve written it does sound like they continue to care for you and haven’t run away even though they could have done it by now.
Remember to breathe, listen to music, I would, at this time at least to focus on yourself, you’re feeling wounded and if you spend all your energy on the other person, you’ll end up forgetting about yourself and that’s not fair on you. I hope you recover from this Mobteru, we as a community care about you!
All the best
Frenchie
⚫ Quality Mentor ⚫Listener Coach ⚫Forum Supporter ⚫Project Agent
@FrenchMarbles
hi, frenchmarbles!! thank you for taking the time to respond, it's really nice to meet you too! you're right, i am pretty stuck with nothing to do, and that's one of the hardest parts of it really. but, because there's nothing much else for me to do when i've already done my part, i agree that the best course of action is to try to stay positive and take care of myself as much as i'm able to. i know i just need to be patient, and let them have the time they need to process and get back to me when we're not so stressed out. i'm very grateful that she's still with me and that we care for each other, i'm always glad about that
breathing and music and taking part in my hobbies is a really good idea though, thank you very much <3 i very much appreciate your support and i'll be doing my best to cope during this really hard and uncertain time
Anxiety and PTSD still makes you a human being like anyone else. Having said that, you should focus on getting your anxiety and PTSD under control. If not, you will do unnecessary damage to yourself and the people you love.
People can only endure so much, and if you don't change, don't learn to control yourself, there will always be a moment that a partner goes "that's it, I love myself too much to have any more of this".
You said something about medication. Are you on any? Are you getting decent professional help? As you should, maybe forever, and that is ok. You need a professional safety net.
As for getting anger bouts, maybe a therapist can help. Someone who is able to tell you as soon as you get triggered, stop you in the moment. So you can feel and notice changes in you at that moment. For instance, you might feel tense all of a sudden. Start raising your voice. Start gesticulating with your hands.
It also sounds like you made yourself dependent on this relationship. Don't, never do that. Do not make plan. Be in the moment. Asking as you cannot control yourself, plans will only lead to disappointments. And will only deepen your mental struggles
At last, look at Self-compassion. It might help to accept yourself, instead of seeking resolvenwnt outside yourself. Kristin Neff wrote a great book, called Self Compassion.
Take care, and love yourself first.
@dukeofdearham
hello, duke! yes, i'm aware that i very much need to gain more control over myself and my anxiety and how my PTSD makes me react to things. i know that i am not a very rational person because of it, and i've done many things that i regret, so with that in mind, i very much want to change that. i don't want my girlfriend to end things between us, but it's true that i do ultimately care for her wellbeing the most and if i can't make her happy, then i don't want them to stay
currently, i'm not on any medication, and i can't get any right now due to lack of insurance. i had been seeing a therapist for a few months, but my last session was a couple of weeks ago, so i no longer have that resource as of now. i've learned many useful things since then though that i will continue to put to good use
i know how to get my anger under control thankfully, and i'm extra careful not to direct it at people. it just sucks to feel all of these emotions and going up and down lately, y'know? i know that making plans that end up not being fulfilled can hurt a lot, i just really felt and still feel like this can really work out. it's already been done, i just have to wait and see what my girlfriend wants to make of it with me. i know i just have to be patient, even if it really hurts at the moment
i agree i need to work on accepting myself more, and learning how to calm myself down easier on my own. thank you for your kind words, i'll definitely look into more self-compassionate exercises i can do and keep learning. thank you for the time <3
