getting over 'the one'?

@jambo999

Listen.

This girl... She is "the one" right ?
Yeah...
And you're sad because she left.

Don't you think "the one" has to be a girl that makes you happy and not sad ?

Do you really think if it was "the one" she'd hurt you ?

Compatibility, even beyond 100%, means nothing.
Sometimes incompatible people fit much better together. Because despite the clashes of their personnality, they are happy no matter what they do.

Stop trying to identify "the one". There's no one. We're no puzzle pieces.

@jambo999

Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.

When we were 22 we were both single and we spoke a lot more, flirting online and getting to know each other more. (This shows how much into you she was, its was like she wanted your attention all of the time, felt very attracted to you.) At the beginning of December 2012 I took a week off work and went to stay with her for that week, we got very close and were intimate however she didnt feel a relationship was wise. (In here I could tell you were pushing a bit for a relationship, things were lighthearted and playful, but putting the relationship vibe this early can make her feel scared and make her say things like "it's not wise to start a relationship) I returned home and we continued to talk and became closer. On Christmas eve 2012 she agreed to be my girlfriend. (This does indicate it was more of your idea to be on a relationship even though she agreed) I was over the moon. We continued to visit each other as often as possible and when we couldnt we would video chat online. we both really fell in love with each other, it was like a fairytale after wanting each other for so long but not being in a position to be together, the time was now right.(This shows how much you two used to be attracted towards one another, how everything felt so special and wonderful. You two had such a deep connection around this time and wanted to be together a lot. This is where both people are putting their best foot foward. I'm glad you experienced something so wonderful). We both decided to look for a job where each other lived to see who would get one first and then that person would move to be with the other, she got a job in my town in March 2013 and so we moved in together in a flat in my town. (One thing I would like to point out is that it was too soon to be thinking about moving in together. specially when she became your girlfriend around December 2012, so more than likely there's some sort of attachment trauma going on or something else because it takes athleast 2 years before actually thinking on moving together. If it's in months of being in a relationship it'll most likely cause a lot of stress and problems living together.)

The following years were amazing, yes we argued like any other couple but we were still in love, (This is where problems started, arguing communicates that there's lack of communication and understanding between both partners. Either one side or both doesn't feel heard and understood so it causes arguments and disconnection, it affects safety. There's a chance this situation was not fully solved. A lot of people tend to overlook this until things start to get worst or the person leaves). I shown her around my country and sometimes we would go stay at her parents and she would show me around her country. We did everything together; literally, we started a lot of hobbies together, went on adventures and a holiday every year. (This part shows how in love you two were each with other, its as if everyday felt like something new). Had many similar interests and even the interests we didnt have in common at the time we still got each other into them. She did so many nice things for me and I could tell she was genuinely in love with me,

Ive always been a realistic person however she made me believe in soul mates and she was mine, we were connected on such a deep level and both said we couldnt live without the other, we needed each other, she is the only person I have ever been truly attracted to and she said the same about me. And we knew each other so well and accepted each others issues. (This part tells me that you both were dependent on each other happiness and well being, I could tell by reading this ( we couldnt live without the other, we needed each other). Now about the issues, it takes two healthy people to form a relationship so if both people have issues going on then more than likely it'll cause problem on the relationship. The good thing is that you both knew about each other issues and accepted them)

In September 2015 (2 and half year after we moved into the flat together) we decided to buy a house together, somewhat stressful time but we were still happy, we were moving on with our life together. She also made it clear she would love to marry me, but she knew I never wanted to marry, I dont see the point. But I did eventually come round to the idea. (If you never wanted to marry then that's okay, it's your decision and there's nothing wrong with that)

In April of this year (2017) she went on a cruise with her dad (her parent split up and the cruise was paid for so her dad took her, I didnt have a problem with this, I was just a little envious because Id like to go on an expensive cruise. While she was away I did many home improvements that Ive been meaning to do. (I'm glad you kept yourself busy doing things while she away, it sounded like you did a lot of things). 3 days before she came back she told me about a couple of friends she made on the cruise when drinking that night and I was happy for her.

When she returned something seemed off, she started to seem cold and distant and no longer wanted to be intimate. She said it was because she didnt like her body suddenly and she was having a lot of stress with work. (This tells me she didn't feel comfortable, safe, heard and understood, so it makes her become distant, then she pulls away farther from you then gives you reasons that are not fully related to the situation.) I noticed she spoke CONSTANTLY with one of the male friends she met on the cruise, I started to feel funny about this and spoke with her about it but she reassured me they are just good friends. (It was not a good idea to bring it up to her, it's going to make her feel strange on the inside. She will feel like you are losing emotional self control and not being confident, and that this bothers you so it'll make her back away even more. Now more than likely she talked with that guys because of the direction of the relationship, there could have complacency, things not being as exciting and fun like before, doing more of the wrong things, the arguments here and there that causes tension or other things).

Over the next 6 weeks things didnt get better, she seemed more distant and cold with me and still no intimacy (she did a couple of things for me but didnt seem like she wanted to).(I could tell in here that you tried to force things, kept on asking why she was this way, doing and saying things to get that closeness back. She was not putting 100% on this relationship, it was more like you were more into her, than she was into you so this also makes her back away). And my gut instinct said something was going on with her and this other guy (btw, this guy lives 200 miles from us, and 100 miles from her dads place). A week before we broke up we went for a spa day, it was a great day, we were close and intimate,

she made me feel like the love was back again and I was happy, but then a few days later she mentioned about not knowing if we should be together and shes not good enough for me etc. I reassured her that she was good enough for me and I loved her. (The fact she is saying these kind of things shows that more than likely you were asking a lot where you stand with her, feeling unsure, asking a lot why she is behaving this way, trying to force things, trying to get that closeness back with thoughts of anxiety and other things made her back away and feel turn off, so she then starts saying she not good enough etc)

Then a few days later she broke down and said she wants to be on her own, we spoke for many hours trying to figure out what was going on and she was basically just saying that shes under so much stress and doesnt know whats going on in her head that she doesnt think she should be in a relationship and wants to literally be on her own, (She won't be able to fully explain to you what truly happen, you could have talked with her for more hours but more than likely she would have say things like "I don't know, I'm confused, i need space" or things like she mentioned. The thing is that the relationship was not as playful, fun and as exciting like before, it was more like asking where you stand, being unsure, looking for reassurance, anxious, asking too much, trying to get the closeness back, doing more of the wrong things and trying to force things the real reason why she is backing away and wanting to be alone). she wants to just spend all her time without anyone and just read. Since we own a house together we are still living together since neither of us can afford to move out until the house sells. A week after we broke up I had to act on my gut instinct, I looked on her old phone (she recently got a new one) and saw a message from her to this guy saying how much she liked him and stuff like that, I asked her about it and she said it was just in a friends way. (This was not a good idea, it doesnt communicate confidence to her, it communicates insecurities so then it turns her off, then she backs away even farther from you). She know every girl Ive been with has left me for someone else or slept with someone else straight after breaking up and she said she would never do that, and Im the only person shes liked in this way and enjoyed sex with.(If the ex breakup then slept with someone it means she has been talking to guys for awhile when she felt the future was in doubt, relationship ran its course, things not being as before, complacency and other reasons. Their mindset is "well it's just friendship, nothing will happen". A lot of women will stay on a relationship until their feelings are gone so they wouldn't feel guilty, and they feel its a lot easier to move on that way)

Over the next few days she still talks to him all the time and I have noticed a few things she has said to him as Ive glanced at her phone while talking to him and there has been a lot of flirting and rude talk. (Focusing heavily on this will make you lose emotional self control, so you will do more of the wrong things). Last week she went to her dads as she booked some time off work and every day she has been out with lots of different friends having a good time, despite saying shes so stressed she just wants to sit in a room everyday by herself. (Thats what i mentioned earlier, she says she wants to be alone to read, so stressed when in reality that's not what is going on, she thinks thats the reason, when its not the reason, so this will confuse you) its like shes not even hurt that she no longer has what she said was the love of her life, its like shes happy and has wanted to get away from me for a while.

I still dont know if that guy has anything to do with it or if shes even met up with him, or what the actually reason is for this break up, but its definitely final and she doesnt want me. (Well it has to do with a lot of the things i mentioned earlier, so it pushes her away to that other guy. The other guy might make mistakes, but you would have to do more of the right things to re attract her back since she has more of a history with you) We broke up officially 3 weeks ago and she will be back home from her dads in a couple of days so she can continue to work, its going to be hell still living with her and not knowing whats going on. Its made me question everything, or wonder where I went wrong. I feel unloved, unattractive, my self-esteem and confidence are no longer and I just dont see the point in anything anymore. I cant enjoy anything I used to do, partly because they were things we did together. (This is what i mentioned earlier briefly, you relied on her heavily as a source of happiness and well being, so this not attaching well because once the person leaves it puts you into deep depression. No one should have this much power over your happiness and well being)

@jambo999

Maybe you're right. Maybe she was "the one." But I hope you're wrong. And I hope that you hope you're wrong too. Because who's to say there isn't someone out there who not only has all of the best attributes of your ex but also has some even better qualities that you didn't even know you were looking for? What if "the one" you're destined to love, your true soul mate, is still waiting, wondering if she'll ever find you? Perhaps, somewhere on the other side of the world, or maybe just across town, there's a woman who thought she would marry the love of her life, a boy she met 14 years ago, who then left her all alone and with a heart so badly broken she never thought she'd love again. And then there you are. Two opposite halves to make each other whole again.

There was a time when you were younger and the future was just endless possibilities and you imagined you and your ex would live out this happy life. And then she left and your hope became shattered disappointment. But look carefully and you'll find it wasn't her. That future came from your mind. That love came from your heart. She wasn't the source of your happiness, merely the object of your hopes and dreams. You say you're 100% positive you'll never find someone like your ex. I bet you're afraid you'll never meet someone who will make you feel that way again. The love of your life is going to be the woman who shows you that the things you thought were impossible. Look ahead. Your story hasn't ended. It's just the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next. Good luck and take care :)