Trying

Hi Leos7,

im sorry to hear what you’re going through…

it sounds like you’re a people pleaser, like me actually. And I’ve been talking to my therapist and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking… people pleasers can bend over backwards to make someone happy or to make peace but ultimately what they want is the feeling of being accepted and loved… perhaps that is why you’re holding onto these “good moments” as it gives you a sense of worth and love?

… my advice would be to start loving yourself first by doing things that make you happy and taking care of yourself. Enjoy the moments you have now you’re single.

Perhaps take up a hobby? You could meet new friends there?

i hope that helps.

takr care.

Thank you for your response. My therapist also said I’m a people pleaser and I can see the areas in which I do do this. I have been doing things I enjoy, and I even took up CrossFit and a part time coaching job so I could get out there, meet new people, and keep my time busy, but I still feel the same a lot of the time and I’m not sure how to move past it. But you’re probably right, I may be holding onto the good moments to provide that worth and love and that’s hard to move past too even if I realize I’m doing it..

@Leos7- The fact that you don't hate her, and remember the good times seems like a healthy way to remember the time you spent together. Embrace that as a positive trait rather than fighting it. Then realize how much love you gave, and still have within yourself. Yield to the pain that floods over you - again as a sign of your strength. Realize that people do change. She may need to feel hate towards you, that is her coping mechanism and often way more common when relationships end.

Also I hope that you are covering this specific subject in your counseling sessions. Celebrate yourself, and know you are worthy of comfort and love again.

I think you may need to look deeper ..... a divorce often does not come out of no where........

people change and they have needs that were not being met. what you think she wants was probably not what she wanted. people do not leave unless it is deeper and they can NO LONGER see a way to work it out ........ did you listen to what she was needing or talking about or jump to ... this will fix it or make her happy mode and missed the mark.

I think of my spouse he could write something similar to this when i leave him........

because he does not see what is wrong and only looks to good times not the bad or real times...........

he tries very hard to please me but in all the wrong ways ....... he assumes what i want........... if i ask for one thing he decides to one up everything ..... when all i want is the thing i asked for not something he decides is better ...... he will be mad and confused as he had done things for me .... just things he chose not what i needed.......

I hope your therapy helps you let go and move on ..... and see items you may have missed.

I understand this. The reason for the divorce was because I couldn’t let go of her past partners and made her feel like she was less than worthy to be with me because I would use her past against her.. I knew every time I did it that I was in the wrong, and she asked me to change over the years. I always tried, but I guess never hard enough.. that’s what I didn’t listen to. I have a reason for my insecurities and acting the ways that I did, but no one wants to hear that side of the story, and it’s just hard to live with the idea of knowing I should’ve listened and I was too late.. I don’t know how to cope with that

Well, I can tell you I've felt that way too. It took me 3 years to start seeing someone new. And I was not even married to my ex. And the first time I went out with my current partner, I completely panicked and backed out because it brought back too much and I felt I wasn't able to love anyone else again and never would be.

I'm telling you all this not to discourage you, but just to point out that... it takes time. How much time is anyone's guess. Some people take longer to grieve than others. It took me 3 years. But now I love my partner and I'm so glad I didn't give in to that fear and panic when we first met. It was hard, but I was able to heal. Do I still sometimes think about my ex? Yes. Does it still ache sometimes? Also yes. But... even so, I can say that I'm over him. Even if perhaps I'll bear the scars for the rest of my life.