Trying
I need some advice or help or even just some wisdom. My ex wife and I have been split up since February. The divorce ended badly, I was refused any kind of closure, everything was done over text, and we haven’t see each other since February. I have been in therapy since things ended and I have really been trying to move on and move forward with my life but I always feel pulled back. I know I can’t rush the healing process, as much as I’d like to, but I’m worried I’ll never be emotionally available to anyone ever again. I have this fear that, no matter how much you think you know someone, they can change on you in an instant and not be who you thought they were.. The divorce came out of no where and was a shock to me.. I try to not live in the past and I’m trying to focus on what I have going on for myself now, but sometimes I can’t help what goes through my mind and the life we shared together…I miss it because I was comfortable. I look back and I’ve challenged myself to see the bad that we had and the bad qualities she possessed to try and make things easier on myself, but the good moments still come to me and break my heart all over again. The grief seems unbearable sometimes and it’s hard to keep mourning losing her. She wasn’t perfect, I put her on a pedestal, and I overly gave a lot of myself to her to keep her happy, I spoiled her even if my own needs weren’t met or I wasn’t put first. I see all of those times, and yet, I’m still hurt and missing her. I still miss taking care of her and being that person for her.. It’s hard because I can’t tell her how I really feel. She hates me and has completely blocked me out of her life and that makes this whole process even harder too because we went through so much together. I keep telling myself that I just have to keep living day to day and moving through it until enough time passes that I’ll feel better because I know time heals, but each day just seems the same and is hard to get through. I feel like I’m just surviving instead of living through each day until it eventually gets better, but I’m afraid that day will never come and I don’t know how to fully heal from this.
How do I stop the rose-colored moments from coming through? How do I keep pushing myself forward? I’m scared that I’ll be able to keep moving forward each day but that I’ll never fully be able to move on..
Hi Leos7,
im sorry to hear what you’re going through…
it sounds like you’re a people pleaser, like me actually. And I’ve been talking to my therapist and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking… people pleasers can bend over backwards to make someone happy or to make peace but ultimately what they want is the feeling of being accepted and loved… perhaps that is why you’re holding onto these “good moments” as it gives you a sense of worth and love?
… my advice would be to start loving yourself first by doing things that make you happy and taking care of yourself. Enjoy the moments you have now you’re single.
Perhaps take up a hobby? You could meet new friends there?
i hope that helps.
takr care.
Thank you for your response. My therapist also said I’m a people pleaser and I can see the areas in which I do do this. I have been doing things I enjoy, and I even took up CrossFit and a part time coaching job so I could get out there, meet new people, and keep my time busy, but I still feel the same a lot of the time and I’m not sure how to move past it. But you’re probably right, I may be holding onto the good moments to provide that worth and love and that’s hard to move past too even if I realize I’m doing it..
@Leos7- The fact that you don't hate her, and remember the good times seems like a healthy way to remember the time you spent together. Embrace that as a positive trait rather than fighting it. Then realize how much love you gave, and still have within yourself. Yield to the pain that floods over you - again as a sign of your strength. Realize that people do change. She may need to feel hate towards you, that is her coping mechanism and often way more common when relationships end.
Also I hope that you are covering this specific subject in your counseling sessions. Celebrate yourself, and know you are worthy of comfort and love again.
I think you may need to look deeper ..... a divorce often does not come out of no where........
people change and they have needs that were not being met. what you think she wants was probably not what she wanted. people do not leave unless it is deeper and they can NO LONGER see a way to work it out ........ did you listen to what she was needing or talking about or jump to ... this will fix it or make her happy mode and missed the mark.
I think of my spouse he could write something similar to this when i leave him........
because he does not see what is wrong and only looks to good times not the bad or real times...........
he tries very hard to please me but in all the wrong ways ....... he assumes what i want........... if i ask for one thing he decides to one up everything ..... when all i want is the thing i asked for not something he decides is better ...... he will be mad and confused as he had done things for me .... just things he chose not what i needed.......
I hope your therapy helps you let go and move on ..... and see items you may have missed.
I understand this. The reason for the divorce was because I couldn’t let go of her past partners and made her feel like she was less than worthy to be with me because I would use her past against her.. I knew every time I did it that I was in the wrong, and she asked me to change over the years. I always tried, but I guess never hard enough.. that’s what I didn’t listen to. I have a reason for my insecurities and acting the ways that I did, but no one wants to hear that side of the story, and it’s just hard to live with the idea of knowing I should’ve listened and I was too late.. I don’t know how to cope with that
Well, I can tell you I've felt that way too. It took me 3 years to start seeing someone new. And I was not even married to my ex. And the first time I went out with my current partner, I completely panicked and backed out because it brought back too much and I felt I wasn't able to love anyone else again and never would be.
I'm telling you all this not to discourage you, but just to point out that... it takes time. How much time is anyone's guess. Some people take longer to grieve than others. It took me 3 years. But now I love my partner and I'm so glad I didn't give in to that fear and panic when we first met. It was hard, but I was able to heal. Do I still sometimes think about my ex? Yes. Does it still ache sometimes? Also yes. But... even so, I can say that I'm over him. Even if perhaps I'll bear the scars for the rest of my life.
