Trust in Marriage
Hi, I’m new here and wanted to get some feedback on a situation that has been bothering me for the past 3 almost 4 years. I have caught my husband texting different women multiple times and he even met up with 2 of the women behind my back and one of them kissed him and was trying to have sex with him but he didn’t do it and I’ve talked to her over the phone about the situation and got the answers I needed but I chose to forgive him because my husband and I have 5 children one of which is not biologically his because we met in high school in 2015 and started dating, we had our first child at the age of 17 in 2016. We split 2 or 3 years after and were dating other people until 2020. I had met a guy that I liked but was not really looking to be with him for long term. he was really just a distraction for me because my husband and I always came back to each other to have sex or talk about being in a relationship again but didn’t and I got tired of it so I met a guy and we ended up having a child together and I found out that the guy had cheated so I broke things off with him as my husband and I rekindled things 2 months after having my child with that guy we started dating again and I got pregnant back to back for 3 years. we got married in 2021 after having our second child together. I thought things were good but they weren’t behind closed doors he was talking about me to different women and texting them about sexual things and has been doing so on and off for 3 years. I forgave him because not only is he the love of my life but my kids father and has been good to them just not to me. Plus we basically have grew up together and have always had like a friendship outside of dating. if we weren’t with each other we would still be there for each other as friends. I never have stepped outside our marriage or text men behind his back. It hurts so much and he gets frustrated if I bring it up after already discussing it but sometimes things trigger my emotions and I get to overthinking and being distant towards him and he says he cheated because I’m not affectionate towards him and which I’m not I can admit that but I’m just not an affectionate person anymore due to personal trauma. Something happened to me in 2019 that change me forever. I will not say what it is because it may trigger someone but I’ve never been the same after that and he knows what happened to me so I’m not sure as to why he wouldn’t think about that when it comes to showing him affection or being intimate. cheating is making it worse at this point because it makes me want to keep my distance from him. I want to be that affectionate loving wife but how can I be if I have no trust for him, we do have sex but not all the time because honestly I’m just not that into it all the time unless I’m drinking or something. But I do have sex with him when he wants to even though I don’t just to please him. I don’t know what to do or say anymore about this. I do love him and want to be with him but I just don’t trust him. It’s been hard to do that even when I did start back trusting him he broke that trust again. I’m not the best wife but I try my best.
@exuberantBranch3603
Hi. I can understand it may feel very uneasy to trust your husband, especially when his misbehaviours are repeated, also considering quite complicated history of your relationship and your terrible experiences from the past.
Going to bed with him only when you're after a drink (or something) sounds like things were not too good between the two of you.
@jacek73 thank you for responding and giving me your thoughts I appreciate it and it’s not all the time that I want to after having a drink it’s just less often that I want to do it when I am sober because so many thoughts runs in my head and I know it’s because of past trauma outside of him or our marriage. I know I have to try to heal and forgive myself out before I deal with things problems in my marriage. I love him it’s just sometimes I don’t always show it but that isn’t right for your partner to seek it from someone else.
@exuberantBranch3603
Certainly, it is not. For me that's a deal-breaker.
@exuberantBranch3603
Repeated actions stay that way because they are getting something from the discussions. what is he getting from the attention of the others....
Boost in his ego/ being told he is hot or attractive/ someone to listen to all of his feelings... how is your emotional connection? I found through being in your partners shoes It was not about sex... it was about things I was not getting at home ..... being told things that frankly cannot remember when my spouse gave me compliments and ego boost and realized things ARE missing in my relationship... things i want.
I am not saying my experience is the same as what you are facing .... but i can tell you that when trying to save or understand a relationship we have to look deeper.
More often then not people start talking or " when we first met or first dated" all glowing memories ......... but this is not what the relationship is NOW. Your connection with spouse on emotional level is important ............... it is not about physical if it was they would just be physical and be done with it ... emotional connections are more dangerous to end your relationship.
Trust cannot be fixed if you think things are one way and what he sees is opposite.
@toughTiger6481 thank you for your response I really do appreciate it and I get what you are saying that it’s not about needing that physical touch but also the emotional connection. I do have need to look within myself and try to fix myself so that we can handle what’s going on in our marriage.
@exuberantBranch3603
connection is hard to fix i have been working hard at it but the resentment i feel over several issues pop in my head and get in the way. it is hard ... very hard to iron it all out and would take deep discussion with spouse about feelings.... my spouse it is like pulling teeth to get him to open up and listen to me as well.
