This never ending cycle
I'm overwhelmed being in a relationship with a man who has flaws just like I do, emotions just like I do, hurt just like I do but fights with me every time I say that I'm hurt. I can't express how I feel with out being interrupted, cut off, and told I'm wrong. I just want to be able to finish a sentence. You want to be understood. But neither one of us is hearing each other because we're too busy talking at each other..... emotions erupt and then next thing you know we're angry, yelling, and then apart. And we go through this never ending cycle. How I feel is too much for you... but I'm your wife.... dealing with my emotions is too much.... why did we even get married.... it's ok for you to tell me when you're hurt and I accept it, but why can't I get the same in return? It's ok for you to walk off when you're mad but when I do I get called out of my name. Why is this ok? When I'm hurt, it's too much for you..... when I do finally voice myself, you don't want to hear it... we've grown together and gotten better but I'm afraid that we'll never get over this hurdle or through this cycle....
@Kacz
First, I acknowledge the guts you had to post such an intimate and personal view of the communication issues that you share with your husband.
One of the ways to end such a cycle is to attempt to sit down and point out how damaging the cycle is to both of you. It isn't an accusatory, blame/fault, or finger-pointing exercise, but just that you're deeply concerned about how this destructive pattern has caused so much devastation, resentment, and animosity between you both... and then, see what his response will be. I'd complete this conversation on an agreement for the both of you work together to keep these situations from happening, and it's going to take practice, won't be perfect, and will take time to develop a communication style that you both can work with which is far better than the cycle you're in.
If you're both unable to come to the "bargaining table" and work out an agreement together, it would make sense to bring in a licensed neutral third-party (relationship and marriage) therapist that can mediate between you, work with you both to develop a healthier way of communication, and then assist you both to find better ways to work out your differences in the future.
It's difficult, but this situation sounds as if it could be resurrected but, not without intervention either by the both of you agreeing that things need to change, or a third-party that can help you both develop the skills that healthier couples use to address their differences.
Clearly, the way in which you both are fighting and arguing is not productive, helpful, and is detrimental to your marriage's longevity.
@Sventek thanks for that advice. We've actually been to two couples therapists that have each suggested a few diff things. We've gotten better to a degree from therapy but it seems this is something that has stuck. Right before I wrote this, I realized that a big part of why things get so bad is because while I'm talking he'll cut me off and interrupt. I'll get upset because I can't finish my sentence and my focus is just trying to finish. He feels like he's not being heard because I'm more focused on trying to say what I was saying and then he gets more upset. Then it turns into a bigger fight where no one is hearing anything. Your suggestion of explaining how this affects us both is confirmation and encouragement that by explaining this to him that I'm going in the right direction. Thank you soo much!
@Kacz
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus -- this is an excellent book on couples communication and addresses exactly what you've written above. I realize a book is not going to be the end-all fix, but the information contained within it, put to practice, and perhaps with coaching him a bit wouldn't hurt.
It's good to hear that you've both worked on therapy together. I guess the issue that I read you're trying to bring across is the fact that you're both unable to communicate, especially on difficult topics, and when things become heated you're both feeling as if you're not able to come to a middle ground.
I'm standing firm on a third-party, unbiased if you're both unable to bridge this gap yourselves.
Couple communication, the ways you both fight, how you resolve your differences, and both of you engaging the other in ways that are more effective and productive can determine to a significant degree of your marital satisfaction and longevity. This isn't a situation that should be taken lightly, and I don't get the feeling that you've taken that approach, but do seek the help needed if you're both stuck. It's ok to seek temporary help for both of you to find a few solutions that you can try together.
You're a team. Work together and find a solution.
@Kacz. Oh does that sound like my story. Can relate to every word. During the virus we have been doing better till recently when it has all flatrd up again. I have been trying to best luck to both oskeep my temper because it takes two to fight. Also if you agree with everything he says it is very disarming and diffusing. I don't have any solutions unfortunately but those things do help. Yes I know it's hard to agree with what he says esp if it's ridiculs but it works. Just don't shout. Best luck to both of us and take care of yourself!!
@selfconfidentMelon5824 yes, same with us... everything was going fine even since we've been in quarantine and then all of a sudden it got really bad and then even worse...I completely understand and agree with what you've said about agreeing with him. It's def hard when someone is yelling at you but like you said it is disarming and can make things better. Thanks so much for your help!