Relationship issues
Hello me and my fiancé of 5 1/2 years have been having relationship issues since November 2022. This past week my fiancé wanted us to take a break from each other. I’m having a hard time coping with this.
@Ash410
i think a break is better then reaching a point where one leaves .......
there must be a reason they was a break.
@Ash410
What kind of relationship issues?
We used to argue a lot all the time. He would also ask me to do stuff around the house and i would just want to relax when i came home from work or on my days off. My job is very physically demanding. My fiancé wouldn’t communicate things were wrong until he exploded about everything. I have fixed a lot of issues he has brought up with me.
@Ash410i think this is something many go through ...... I too want partner to do things and he just sits there ..... he wants decompression time ............then oops i will do tomorrow ... repeat
then when something has to be done (like a deadline) and they are furious when i say "NO i did my things and you procrastinated ............ now want me to do half of your chores too.... "
i realize it is a communication issue and holding in........... i will explode too......
i tried the talk it out nice......... nice reminders ...............count to 1000 cause 10 was not enough .........
NOW i am leaving them .......................let them procrastinate the rest of their life................ i simply do not care anymore.
Pick your battles... while they have let things slide until they are angry........ this builds up and is not easily deescalated.
Our biggest issue is communication. He says that he doesn’t need communication when we do need to communicate. Sometimes i try to communicate and it’s like he isn’t listening. He never communicate with me and i always think everything is fine but it’s not. Every thing he has ever brought up that has been an issue i have been trying my best to fix. I’ve pretty much taken over all the chores in the house. Things that bothered him i fixed like me working on my days off. I even quit drinking because i have a drinking problem. I poured every ounce down the drain for him.
@Ash410
what has he given up for you? where is the balance ?
this way of exploding and you doing all the chore or trying to appease him is WORKING for him,........... you are doing chores/ poured out alcohol .........he is using the do this or i will be angry mode....
Relationships are a team sport and if one person is trying to do all the work this is the recipe for a end
My fiancé has bad depression and is pushing me away. I have been trying my absolute best to help and support him. I have been sticking through everything even though his actions and words hurt. I have said and done some hurtful things also. But i have been trying my best to get better and be better for him.
My fiancé has a drinking problem also. That’s all he seems to be doing right now. Most of his paycheck goes towards alcohol.
Now that i think about it i don’t think he has ever really given anything up for me except time when i want to spend time with him just the two of us.
@Ash410
where are your boundaries ?
when does he need to quit drinking ? if it is taking his money what would a marriage be you supporting all ?
while i am not saying abandon someone who has issues if they are NOT dealing with those issues and want you to compensate for it ... there is a line to be drawn ....... is he seeking any help with his issues?
mine will not deal with his items........ and so the line was crossed and time to leave.
a huge bottle of whiskey lasts like 2-3 days. I get that he is depressed and trying to find a way to cope. I mean that’s how i was trying to cope also. But it’s not healthy at all. I quit drinking because he said i was horrible when blacked out. I say some pretty hurtful and nasty things that’s i don’t mean. I caused the biggest argument of our relationship with it which didn’t help his depression. I don’t know how to set a boundary with it since he is the one that buys all his alcohol and me trying to limit him isn’t going to fly well with him.
I feel like if i try to limit him he’s gonna think I’m taking his freedom and then him push me farther away.
@Ash410
i understand what you are saying my partner is an alcoholic .......... has not drank that i know of for a few years .... and really stopped the big drinking 9 years ago
it has cost us ... (yes us because if you continue as a couple it will be your issue too)
tens of thousands of dollars in court and rehab and tickets and relationships.... i too wanted to give him space and let him work out his issues afraid he would leave or something ..........
now i see i should have put my foot down and even walked away ....... his health and memory are awful as long term drinking ruins your golden years ........ and you could be looking back and wondering where would i be IF i made him quit or found someone else .... starting over later sucks....
How long do you think your sobriety will last if he continues?
think long term ........... because there is no DO -OVER in life.
honestly it has already cost us a lot. I’m shocked he hasn’t gotten pulled over for drinking and driving. All of his friends drink and drive and allow each other to. Two of his friends have DUIs. One just got his recently. Drinking has torn a rift between us. He always would tell me i was drinking way too much constantly but when i tell him he is it’s doesn’t go well. I’m not gonna lie during this whole break i have wanted to drink but i keep replacing it with water because i am determined to get better. Not only has drinking costed us numerous amounts of money. It’s also costed us parts of ourselves in the process. I’m also trying my best to try to understand what is going on in his head so i can better help him. He won’t let me in though.
Currently as i write this he is sitting at a bar somewhere drinking.
@Ash410
IMO some people need to reach rock bottom but unfortunately he is not seeing he is taking you down to rock bottom with him ........ i wish that he wakes up and sees the light before real long term damage is done.
@Ash410,
what is the real problem?
His drinking? Or his depression?
Has he always been depressed or did he become depressed?
Did he always drink a lot or did he started to booze after becoming depressed?
Both things are the problem. They go hand in hand. He is depressed so he drinks uncontrollably to try to feel anything. He told me that he doesn’t really feel anything because of his depression but he feels a little when drinking. Being that we are pretty young we are in the party stage age so drinking has been a huge thing. I guess the depression came after one the phase started to come down and we were trying to settle down.
Hi, hope your doing good are have withrawl symptoms?