Recently Divorced and Having Anxiety about Moving On

I was in my first serious, long term relationship of 3 1/2 years. We got married last November and then 4 months later she wanted a divorce because I wasn’t able to let go of things from her past and said I never changed after she asked me to for the last couple of years. At the beginning of our relationship, she was still talking to her exes as friends, even though she was told by other people that her exes still had feelings for her. It bothered me at the time and I let her know about it and she still continued to talk to them. I let it go because I trusted her, but it always say in the back of my mind. When we would go out to bars with her friends, we’d always run into guys she did stuff with in the past and I would kind of be brushed to the side and never introduced as anything. She was very popular in high school and was known for being promiscuous and flirtatious with guys. I was the first girl she was ever with and she claimed that she had always told herself that she was really gay when she was in high school. During our relationship I would point out when she was being flirtatious with other guys and she eventually saw it herself and changed that, but at that point I had become insecure in myself with so much I had let go at the start of our relationship. Images of her past weighed on me and thinking of her with her exes would haunt my thoughts and led to a lot of fights that I caused. I tried talking to others about my problem because it didn’t feel normal, but was never successful in changing in the ways I should have. Ultimately, this was the reason for the divorce and I only blame myself. It’s been over 6 months now since we separated and I carry the guilt with me around and don’t feel worthy enough to be with anyone ever again with the fear that the same thing may happen no matter how much I work to actively change. It was also damaging to me that, a week before she ended things, she literally told me she was never going to leave me. Within 24 hours of her saying she wanted a divorce, I was kicked out of the house and had to find a place to stay. And within a week of her saying she wanted a divorce, she didn’t want to see or speak to me ever again, and we haven’t since. She refused to give me any kind of closure because it would’ve been a conversation that was going to benefit me and make me feel better and I just feel very unresolved. I have a fear of even trying to move on because I thought I knew who I was with and she completely changed in such a short amount of time, so it makes it scary that anyone I’m with again could just switch up on me like that. I don’t know how to maneuver through these feelings