Really hurt- Is it cheating before you’re official?
I've been dating a guy for about 4 months now in lockdown which means mostly a lot of time indoors.
The first couple of months we were not sure of where it was heading and I was taking my time to get to know him. I made it very clear initially however that I was having sex with him alone, and if he was sleeping with somebody else he should be honest about it considering the pandemic and related worries.
During the first few months he would spend a lot of time with me and then "go home" for some me time. Which I thought was great so it gave us both space. But he would go incommunicado those days or just send a few texts telling me he was meeting his brother or his friends.
Yesterday, I did something I shouldn't have and I snooped on his texts. And I found a curious thread which he had left unread. On opening it I found that he was meeting this woman and having sex with her in those initial few months of dating when he said he was meeting "friends " or his brother.
I felt really cheated and hurt even though I know we were not official back then. He knew my stand on sex being exclusive and agreed to being honest. Lying about it has made it worse and now the trust is broken. Me having snooped on his phone was wrong too, but it means that there's no trust left. There were no texts to this woman after that day, but I'm just questioning everything.
You set the boundaries and rules, if he doesn't respect that than he's just showing he would be an unloyal partner - but if it's agreed that it's just sex and not an actual romantic relationship than it's not cheating but it was definitely a dick move on his behalf for Going against what you agreed on
@thiscupisabouttobreak thanks! Do you think confronting him now makes sense ? Not sure if that's a great idea.
Try a calm conversation first but if he doesn't anything like "we're not official, you're being crazy" and guilt tripping you - try to explain that was a disrepect on the rules and boundaries and if he keeps getting all mad and being a dick, go wild with your emotions - it's better to be the bigger person first
@thiscupisabouttobreak I have him a chance. Started with a calm conversation and told him to be honest with me if we wanted to fix it. He just plain denied it. Said I had no proof and that the woman was his ex. Basically gaslighting me and saying I've never trusted him.
Tch, he deserves you and is just proving the kind of man he is - you can do so much better
*doesn't deserve you
I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you, just reading about this guy grosses me out and I agree with the above poster, you deserve so much better! The good news is that you didn’t invest too much time so hopefully you’ll be able to move on quickly!
@resourcefulOwl7361 thanks! 😃
@Anxiouskitten23 I am so sorry this has happened to you. I too have been in the exact same position. You clearly set boundaries regarding this. We all open into new relationships with a certain amount of trust. Which is required for any healthy relationship. He broke your boundaries and your trust. Also showing little to no respect for you or your sexual wellbeing or toward you.
No one here can tell you what to do, your instincts knew something was amiss or you would not have checked his phone. Yes it is also a boundary violation (guilty of this too) but you found out now what I found out years later.
It is up to you what you decide to do. It is not a nice situation. Thoughts are with you.
@IntrovertedOldSoul big hugs. I can only imagine what you went through when you found out. How did you cope with it ?
@Anxiouskitten23 Hi sorry for late reply, I am still coping, what about you?
He lied to you, end of. Yes, it is cheating in my opinion. Kick him to the curb and find a man that is serious about you