Post Breakup

Hey! It's my first time writing and why I am writing this? not sure, but I guess I just to let out the thoughts I am feeling right now and maybe I can help someone in some way. 

How am I doing after my breakup? It's a mixture. Sometimes I feel free,  but her memories hold me back. Sometimes I am so involved in my work, but as soon as I am free, waves of memories with force come at me. I am trying to take it slow but god it's hard.

The relationship ended, let's say in a very aggressive manner. The relationship was toxic, at least for me. I know how the fights with her affected my whole day. We dated for about 6-7 months, most of which were just fights. It was my first, and god I am so into her, that I forgot myself. I was so attached to her that I completely forgot myself, my respect, my peace, my space. But this ending was long due, I was just trying to hold to a rope. What did I learn? trust your instincts. I always felt that something was wrong, Efforts were not equal and that person was distant. Usually, my thinking was labeled as "overthinking", which I might be doing in some cases. I trusted her words more than mine. But why did I get so attached to her I wonder? What was she giving me that I couldn't let go? Was it peace? no, Was it support? maybe but she made me feel like something is wrong with me so NO. Was she giving me love? not sure or was she just filling the voids of my insecurity? or at least I thought she was. I don't have an answer as to why I was attached to her yet.

I reflect on this relationship and I realize how insecure I am. How did I get dependent on someone who was completely destroying me? How I compared myself to her past exes because I was not getting the love they got. I Always BLAMED myself. So clearly I needed to work on things. I know I am more than enough. I loved her and that's my power. But first I need to love myself. 

Sometimes I think what if she comes back, my heart wants that, but my brain doesn't. It's a battle with heart and brain. My heart wants to love her again and my brain asks "Why", My brain says" It's the only way I can feel love". My brain replied" Why can't you love and respect yourself just like you loved and respected her?, Heart ".....silence", Brain says " You can't take her back even if she comes back, because people don't change, she didn't wanna change back then why will she change now. You have built and been through so much, your friends have spent so much time helping you, YOU HAVE SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON YOURSELF. You can't go back , for yourself remove the thought so it." My heart says" But what if", my brain interrupted" What if you have more than this, what if your life is more than this, what if there is someone better who actually wants to put efforts on YOU" 

I think I have learned that respect is everything. Once you lose respect for yourself, you will find another source. And some go for love, care, and compassion. LOVE YOURSELF. Complete the task you planned to do, you will gain respect for yourself, and show compassion for yourself when you feel negative. Love yourself like you loved that person. Whenever I look back, I don't see her sometimes, I see myself, my eyes filled with love. I want that guy back. I want that kind of love. The good thing is I am that guy, and I can love myself just like that.

Treat yourself like a human, give yourself time, learn to love yourself, and improve your relations with others and yourself. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO THIS LIFE.