My boyfriend broke up with me yesterday
My partner and I split yesterday after 2 years. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be in this relationship and that his heart was no longer in it. This is the second time we've split up for similar reasons. I have GAD and I know my anxiety played a role in the break up but I'm trying not to blame myself for it. At the end of the day, I was willing to work on us more than he was. It's really hard because we were a strong couple with so much potential, but I guess he wasn't ready for a serious relationship or taking the next step, nor was he willing to compromise during conflict (especially towards the end, but I do remember he did sometimes at the beginning). He was an amazing guy, but our relationship was always a bit of a roller coaster. For example, we would have discussions about getting engaged, moving in together etc or we would be in a really good place, and a few days later we would be on bad terms/he would be unsure about us. This uncertainty would increase my anxiety and make me feel so insecure, about myself and the relationship. I do admit there were times I was impulsive and said things I should never have said (which I regret immensely) but for the most part I was a good girlfriend.
Even after the break up, he called me last night and told me he can still see us getting married, and maybe in a few weeks/months/years we will get back together. I don't know if having conversations like that is helping me or hindering me from moving on. I miss him already and it's hard to cut ties with him. I don't know what I should be doing right now.
Hey there! I am going through the same thing, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. He's had a smiliar before however after a week of having time apart things went on smoothly. We even just got back from 4 weeks in Europe, then we got back and he said he doesn't know what he wants and wants space to be single and focus on getting his mental health back on track. Like you my anxiety pushes him and others away and I hage a very negative mindset even when things are going well. My world came crashing down.
Before this relationship I was with someone who abused me for 8 years, took all my money, and used to physically and emotionally abuse me and that's when my anxiety and depression came on.
My new partner was amazing he was calm and patient and understanding and did whatever rhe would to make me smile. But now I feel like it's my fault he's feeling this way so badly. It's been 2 months since we've gone out, although we still talk sometimes and he says when he's ready again he wants to be with me it's still hard. He says he feels no emotional attachment to anything and won't get help because it's hard for him to open up.
I love him and have been so confused - if he doesn't get help and we end up getting back together what do I do, i cannot take going through this again.
I've lost all confidence and happiness I just come home and cry every day coming home to an empty house...my life feels like a big blur and like I've lost my best friend...
@Maryanne1964
hey, I'm so sorry to hear that. You can always chat to me if you want. How are you holding up now?
@aliceinwonderland22
Up and down, trying to distract myself but the moment I think about him it kills me and I go all the way back down again. How are you?
@aliceinwonderland22
Hi there. Breakups are super difficult and painful. You're already going through a lot emotionally so I do not think its a good idea for you to blame yourself and beat yourself up for how you contributed to the breakup. It couldn't have been all your fault. At this time, you need to be kind to yourself. Take this break as an oppotunity to see where you can improve and become a better person but do it with kindness. You're already self-aware which is a grea thing that many people lack. Without breaks in relationships we can never find out the areas in which we need to better ourselves in. It will also be a good time for you to get back to yourself and cater your own wants and needs. I am an anxious person too and I feel that its easier for people like us to lose themselves in a relationship.
I also want to mention one thing: conflicts are bound to happen in relationships. They just do. It's unhealthy to have someone walk out on you everytime you have a conflict. I bet it will make even the most secure people anxious. Conflict resolution should be about finding a solution, not proving who is right. I do not think you should be giving yourself such a hard time for becoming anxious in such scenarios. Who wouldn't?
Stay strong.
Oh and that part where he called to tell you he might marry you down the line...I only have one word for that: NO. Don't put your life on hold waiting for someone to become sure about you. No, no, no. You're too worthy for someone not to be sure about you and if he doesn't see it now, someone else will, and if no one does, you know better than to settle.
I would say staying in contact with him will only hinder you and give you false hope. Once he's ready to have this relationship and work on it, and proves it to you, then you could think about it. You're not a victim. You're perfectly capable of living your life without him. Don't let anyone make you feel like you need them for survival.
@intuitiveWriter1887
Hey, just wanted to say I read your response over and over whenever I feel like this break down is my fault/anxiety starts playing up. Thank you for taking the time out to respond to my post.
Day by day, Im starting to realise that this relationship was not as healthy for my mental health and self esteem as I had once thought. It has been so refreshing to focus on myself, work on my own mental health without having someone bring me down. I still value the lessons and memories created from our relationship, but the fact Im crying less now than when I was in the relationship (especially given Im going through a break up over Christmas!) probably says a lot. Anxiety feeds on inconsistency.. at least now I know where I stand.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays :)
@aliceinwonderland22 merry christmas beatiful
@aliceinwonderland22
Merry Christmas to you.
Your message makes me feel warm. I'm really glad you found it useful.
Yes, you definitely sound like you're on the right path. It's even addictive to have this inner peace and content. It helps us realize that getting into a relationship should only take us upwards and forwards from our current state. No room for inconsistent, flaky, or abusive behavior. We deserve better. We should honor the hard work it takes us to arrive at this place and not jeopardize it by getting into unfulfilling relationships. No one needs someone who makes them cry in a relationship. You wouldn't do that to someone you love, so you surely only deserve the same in return. Don't be afraid to want and seek the best for yourself :)
Keep moving forward. Best wishes!
