Married 27 years - separated 3 months

@barncat I can understand you are going through a lot currently

@barncat- dont know how to add to my thread. so i will tag myself.

started back in counseling after almost a 7 week stop. He became very angry and had an outburst during the session. Today threatened that he is going to divorce me if I dont let him move back in. Still hasnt figured out that he was exhiled due to a DVPO. And that many issues need to be addressed before i really want him back in my life, let alone our house. Substance abuse, infidelity, hoarding- the list goes on. And he lost a gasket because of some of the things I have done because of legal advise.

@barncat,

Do you want to put up with his crap? Does he want to make things work? You cannot change others. Make it clear to him he has to change, fast and radically.

Take care.

@dukeofdearham- thanks for the tough line. He has me over a barrel. He knows I have a LOT to lose if we divorce. Sad and totally unfair. A whole lifetime of my working career due to community property state laws. Did I say unfair. Because I am retired it isnt like I can start over and replace what he would take from me. Yes, I know it is only money, property etc, but it has been my life's work and toil.

@barncat,

I am not a lawyer but there must be support groups online you can contact. Your position might be better than you think.

Take care, first and upmost for yourself. Mental well-being is more important than money. I am struggling to survive financially after a relship that went awry. Leaving the house to my wife. I will come out better but right now it's surviving and more than tough, every day.

@dukeofdearham- sounds like you know a bit of what I am going through. Yes, mental and emotional health are more important than money. BUt but but, when he wants mine and he already has his- it is hard to stomach. Rough couples counseling session. Gosh you are so right about what matters is our own mental health. I left the last two sessions thinking "he isnt even nice" lots of anger issues. so hard to be around - why bother.

@dukeofdearham-your words ring strong and true - 2 months later and we are still hashing things out with no resolution. It took years to get to this point and the solution is not going to come quickly. Lots of hurt feelings on both sides.

Life can change quickly , hugs and prayers I am sending to you. You can do this, reach inside your self, you have the strength. I was 57 married 33 happy years when I started to realize my beloved husband was controlling our family with lies and minipulation . Ripped us apart . I got through it. I am much happier and healthier for walking away! You can take power and make yourself happy. Spend time with your girlfriends they will always be your greatest asset.❤️

@exuberantStrawberries9544- I got through my divorce when I was 29 by the grace of god and my girlfriends. Now 40 years later .... yes, my girlfriends are essential. Cant imagine how I can navigate the next six months without them, my family, therapists, dog and horses!!!

Still plugging along. Separated and wondering where we are going. Too much time thinking about the situation. Trying to trust my intuition and gut response when we get together.

Every time I bring up reconciliation he lashes out in a frightening anger/ rage event that seems to be all about control. Of the smallest things- not the big issues. I am realizing he cannot deal with the big picture in life, and needs to feel control of small aspects. THis has gotten him into trouble because he wants to control what I do - not himself.

Another almost 10 days since my last entry. UPs and downs. Ready to move on then terrified and feel like begging him to come back. Finally getting matched with a therapist who deals with these emotional abuse issues. Putting my hope on that professional help. But I have had multiple therapists these past three years. Some have been useful, often repetitious advice. It really will come down to our decision together - do we stay or do we go. He is perfectly happy living at his family's cabin rent free, with no obiligations to our relationship. Sadly this is the person I met almost 30 years ago. He has gone back to his comfort zone.

Yikes, we have spent a lot of time together past week. 90% positive then he says something so confusing my head spins in trying to understand how he is coming up with these ideas. Usually he is casting blame towards me for his problems. Lack of accountability. I lump this with his long standing pot issue plus an emotionally unavaliable family history.

Searched for my thread of last year. Guess what. He moved back in around july 4th with the understanding it was for the time his family was at the cabin. THen he stayed and stayed. OMG did I get depressed, not knowing how to get him out again. Easier said than done.

So now months and all the godforsaken holidays later, he moved out last night. I had to come to terms what I am willing to give up to get him out of my life. So tired of his hurtful comments, no one deserves to be treated the way he has been towards me to last several years.