Lost and in need of a map.
Hi all,
Me and my ex have been going through cycles, breaking up & getting back together etc for a while now. It has taken them a while to grow, sitdown and talk about it without it turning to conflict every time of which I am so appreciative for. We both understand where the issues come from (they cheated, they have issues with projection and emotional dumping). They see healthy relationship compromises as controlling or suffocting (eg I book a reservation for dinner, they turn up 2 hrs late no message or call and have a go at me saying why am I questioning where they have been? I'm controlling and suffocating, for saying: I had to cancel the reservation love why were you so late? for which I never get an answer). However, we can't seem to break this cycle of things going well for weeks / months then out of the blue they text and say: I feel guilty I need space (I get blocked on everything and they turn up at my door 2/3 months later as if nothing happened). I am always happy to give space but we end up back to square 1. I am baffeled that they hold onto something from over 5 years ago still. I forgave them and do not mention it until they bring it up. I can't help feeling used and quite upset about it all. When they need me i'm there, but when they want to distance it feels they hold this guilt card over us, then project onto me, if I dare disagree they get furious. When I ask for us to talk, they say thats all we do but eventually we sit down and talk, and were fine for a few months before we get back to square 1. I truely love this person and they say they love me. I am working hard at this, but this behaviour is exhausting. I know they have said they are an avoidant person and are highly neurotic. Any ideas? I am exhausted.
Hi @IntrovertedOldSoul
It does sounds very exhausting and emotionally draining to keep going back and forth like that. Hugs 💙
We have little control to make a little change others and that "littles" only possible, if the person try so hard to change themselves. Self-grow is never an easy thing and may take forever to succeed.
I have an avoidant attachment style. Maybe in a different extent. And it takes a lot for me to stay in a relationship instead of withdraw and walk away immediately when feel even a slight discomfort
What we have more control is ourselves. How do you feel best for you to deal with the situation?
- 🍀
@ouiCherie Thank you for your reply, I feel I am doing the best I can, it is difficut. My ex partner has promised to do the same, we have discussed needs, boundaries and agreed how to communicate but it seems I get more and more boundaries put on me and my requests seem to get ignored more and more. It is hard but I always show respect but recieving very little which hurts. I feel this comes out of nowhere too. It is lovely hearing from yourself leaning towards avoidant, how do you limit yourself from withdrawing and how does your partners actions help with that?
Hi @IntrovertedOldSoul
It is indeed not an easy thing, yet it is possible to minimize it.
When something triggers me to close up and cut off everything that instant, I'm learning to be non responsive to my urge. Take a step back to think and rationalize the situation. Can be a few hours or a day or 2.
To do that will need practice of awareness and will power.
He's very supportive. I guess he's used to me by now lol
How do you feel about continuing the circle with your ex? and what options you have to cut the exhausting circle?.
@ouiCherie Thank you for your insight it is most helpful. I am using boundaries to help minimise the distancing. We do talk which after much effort works. Gives us a couple of weeks then they start to distance again. I am giving them space whenever they ask, but what im finding difficult is when we agree a day or time to re engage they don't reply or show up. So if we agree to have space for a week say, they will come back after a month.
So difficult when they feel controlled in a relationship, but then fail to re engage or meet when they suggest to come back together. They turn up a month or two later as if nothing happened. I bring up the issue / behaviour see how we can work together to change that but they just say they feel guilty shut down hard and disappear....I am trying not to let it bother me as much learning about avoidant personalities helps. So thank you for opening up. It helps.
@IntrovertedOldSoul
This emotional roller coaster is unfair to you. Respect for your needs or feelings doesn't seem to be their top priority. They have admitted to cheating, being avoidant and highly neurotic.
What constructive steps (therapist, counselor, better boundaries, etc) have they taken to address all these issues? It is surprising that their guilt overtakes consideration for you, the victim of their cheating, and turns to fury.
Love is an emotion that isn't always rational but relationships are conscious choices we make with certain expectations in mind. It is clear you are working hard at this, however, a relationship needs both partners to want to make it work.
Sometimes, people can intentionally sabotage a relationship that's going really well just because they aren't ready to commit to something deeper. The bad behaviour is like a pause button on progress, if that makes sense. Could that be the case? Even so, it might just be easier on everyone to decide clear boundaries and not go through these cycles of pain and hurt. I hope you're able to work this out. Good Luck!
@0m Thank you for replying. It is very much an emotional roller coaster. They went to a counselor and said it was useless (they dont like talking about feelings) we have discussed boundaries, I get more and more imposed onto me and mine are taken less notice of.
"It is surprising that their guilt overtakes consideration for you, the victim of their cheating, and turns to fury". - This is really baffling and hurtful to me too, I think what is hurting me the most is lack of consideration or ownership of what has been done, I dont like using the word selfish but it feels that way.
I think you are right as I have felt that too, the intentional sabotage because not being ready to commit to something deeper may be worth trying to discuss further. We hit a stalemate with this topic in the past. I feel their personality limits how much we can discuss as reactions to even the smallest of issues, I recieve a disproportionate response.
The ultimate boundary I can use is also the most painful one for me, indefinate no contact. But I really do not want to do this if possible.
@IntrovertedOldSoul
Take into consideration everything you understand about this person, what is your best case scenario for the relationship? Perhaps the answer to that question can help plot the map from the current state of the relationship to where you wish to take it :)