I miss you like crazy

(this is a letter directed to my ex, just writing my thoughts and feelings as if I were speaking them to him helps me to process my emotions)

Dear H,

Humans have existed for millions of years. The odds of us being alive and conscious at the same time in this infinite universe are smaller than we could ever comprehend. And the odds of us even meeting? Of the literal billions of people on this earth, the fact that we ever met is an incredible feat in itself. 

H, my darling, darling H, I love you wholly. I love you passionately. I love you obsessively. I love you painfully. I cannot begin to state just how much you changed my life. I cannot exclaim enough just how lucky I am that I ever met you. Loving you is both wonderful and so painful. Did you ever love me more than I loved you? I doubt it, even if you said you did. But perhaps you really did, and it was your deep-rooted fear of loving unconditionally that made you push me away. A fear you weren't even aware of. One day you'll learn of this fear and it will shock you into many more realizations. Of all people, you pushed me away. The same person you saw as.. special. All the songs that say you always hurt the one you love the most, those timeless tunes resonate even today. Isn't it just glorious how consistent human nature is? How after all these years, we still push and hurt those who we love the most.

I'm starting to forget certain memories of us that I once held so close to my heart. it's terrifying to know that time is forcing me to let go. I both want to and need to, but it's the last thing I truly want to do. I want to scream how much I love you. I want to shower you with the real, genuine love you never received. What a tragedy it is to spend a lifetime not knowing what love really is. I used to think I would never know what love actually feels like, but now it's clear and bright like the sun shining through my window. It's not a thing, it's just the way in which I see. It's in everything around me. I choose love; I choose to love and accept, rather than hate and reject. You reject so many qualities about yourself that I am so enamored with. It's exactly what I was like, before I met you. But you made me love myself unconditionally, wholly, fully, entirely. You made me realize what it's like to just love. And I will always love you for that. You hurt me, pushed me away, confused me, but you also gave me a priceless gift that I could never pay back in full. Your absence only confirms it; the way I see the whole world around me is completely different now. Your presence and your impact on me is sprinkled over everything now. I love this world more now knowing that you exist, that your being is out there, a part that makes up this lifetime we both exist in. I don't care what you say, or what anybody says. This is my truth and it's irreversible. I am only full of gratitude for the light and wonder that you brought back into my world. An innocent, unconditional love that I forgot even existed. I feel like a happy, naive child again. Your heart is more enormous than you realize and I'm sorry you haven't grown enough to be able to accept it. I'm sorry you ran away again from the things that make you scared rather than facing them. I wish that one day you'll want the best for yourself like I do enough that you won't feel smaller than your fears. You deserve it.

I love you.

- The girl you once loved