I feel so stupid for holding out hope
My husband and I are separated and I held out hope for our reconciliation. I thought if we take this time apart to connect with ourselves, we will come back stronger and better than ever. I took this time to work on my self love and becoming more independent and making more friends. Turns out, all the separation did was make it clear that he did not want this relationship anymore. Now I feel like I’ve hurt myself more by holding on to hope.
Update: I told him I wanted a divorce. He said some very hurtful and low things to me. I’m not sure why I’m crying over someone so awful. I’m not sure why I tried so hard over someone like this.
Don't beat yourself up or feel bad for holding onto hope. Everyone does it in some way or another, no one wants to willingly give up someone they love. You had good intentions/reasons for separating, and from the sounds of it you needed it to be able to work on yourself. If anything look at all the work you did on yourself, the growth you accomplished that you might not have been able to together as a positive from all of it.
Thank you. I’m trying to not let this hinder my growth, but I’m a mess. Tomorrow would have made six years together.
It's okay to be a mess though and it's okay to grieve, just don't let it consume you. It's not a good place to keep yourself in (living proof of that here). 6 years is a long time with lots of memories good and bad and those won't disappear overnight. Neither will the feelings you still have for him. Don't beat yourself up over it.
We tried to have a civilized conversation about the division of things and our dogs and what to do about the lease... it quickly turned very abusive and awful. I hate that fact that I will still miss him. I hate it. I wish the good memories were burned from my mind.
First and foremost, are you okay? Are you safe or feel safe where you are at? Secondly, both of you need to walk away from the situation and calm down. Don't try and work out the details all at once. It's a lot to try and handle and a lot of emotions all at once. I've been there, nothing is solved over night or right after saying you want a divorce. Find somewhere else to stay, family or friends somewhere other than under the same roof. And after that, start talking again, lawyer up if need be.
I am safe and okay. I’m still shaken up though. I tried to tell him that he really hurt my feelings earlier when he said something in particular, and he started saying that I was steering him into acting like that and some other mentally abusive things. Unfortunately I don’t have a car and it’s snowing pretty bad right now, but I will have a friend pick me up in the morning.
Okay, as long as you're alright (all things considered) and safe and have a way out in the morning that's all that really matters right now. Try not to rationalize things right now and leave him alone. I'm guessing he's probably some what in the same shock/situation as you are in and just isn't being open about it. And maybe to him, as the conversation went on, he did feel like he needed act out (assuming in a non-physical manner towards you) and say the things that he knew would hurt you as a way to get his point across. It's not okay or right, but you don't know what's going on in someone else's head no matter how long you've know or been with them. Just be safe tonight, not saying he would but if he seems off or does anything violent towards you don't hesitate and call the police. Get someone over there to help you.
@raisin12 So sorry to hear what you're going through. But someone once told me, "Hope is just a made up word and it's not real" but we all have a bit of hope inside of us for the relationship. Hopefully you have learned something from it all like I did.
