I can't

@SarahGeorgeDCS The reasons I keep looking back are numerous. With my anxiety issues it is extremely difficult for me to leave the house but no matter what I always feel safe with or talking to her. Even in the middle of a panic attack if I can focus myself enough to message her on facebook just knowing she's on the other end can help bring me back to a safe place.

In general I hate people. More appropriately I hate talking and avoid it at all costs. As far back as pre-school I have always avoided conversation. I will use every excuse I can think of to get out of even saying hello to another human being. I don't want to know anything about your kids, job, or interests... I don't care if your car needs minor repairs or that you got a promotion at work. And I don't want you to know anything about me either. But I can sit and talk with her for hours on end. I just can't force myself to care about other people. She is the only person other than my mother I feel any sort of concern for. I would die to make sure she was safe but I can't even force myself to care if anyone else lives or dies.

I have always prided myself on not caring about the opinions of others when talking about myself but I value her opinion. I draw, paint and play guitar but have no desire to ever have an audience. My paintings are never seen and my music is never heard but I found myself always eager to show her a new work. I would hold my breath and wait for her assessment of my art and when she was finished it would go into the box with the rest of my art. Now I can't even bring myself to lift a brush because I don't look at my own artwork and I've lost the only audience I've ever had.

I don't watch tv or movies... I don't go hiking or for walks in the sun. There are no beautiful beaches or bright green hills I want to experience before I die. If told to do whatever makes me happy and left alone I'll sit and do nothing. I've never been able to find any activities I enjoyed doing. My entire life I've only ever just done what the people around me are doing or tell me to do. I've been up for hours already today and typing this response is the only thing I've done at all today other than drink a cup of coffee. For 11 years my daily activities were dependent on her. Her entertainment was my entertainment. I can't even decide what I want to do to entertain myself for the next half hour without her.

For the only time in my life I had an actual family while I was with her.

It sounds cliche or corny to me, but I legitimately haven't been able to be attracted to another woman other than her since maybe a few months after we started seeing each other. Aesthetically she's a combination of all my favorite features which is one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place.

I hate being praised or complimented or treated different from everyone else. I'm a very competent individual and have spent my life being praised for my accomplishments or for my appearance or my intelligence or whatever else. When I meet new people, particularly women, it doesn't take long before I start noticing they're laughing at every joke I make or hanging on my every word. My opinion is held in higher esteem or I'm treated as an equal by people with power or authority over me. Or they swoon. I particularly hate swooning. My ex-wife was never like that. From day one she was never dazzled by me and made it clear she wasn't dazzled. She didn't treat me different from others and most of the time it looked like everyone else was more important in her life than me. And that's how I like it! I HATE attention, praise and compliments. I know all the positive things about me alerady and don't need or want anybody else bringing it up.

Not being with her puts me in a position I do not want to be in. I have no choice but engage in activities I absolutely hate (meeting and getting to know new people, going out on dates etc) if I want to have someone in my life. I have to find ways to entertain and motivate myself when I've never been able to do either in my life.

I left her. I left her because I was sick and denying I struggled with mental illness. The illness warped my perception of the relationship and caused me to believe things that were completely untrue and those false beliefs changed how I approached our relationship and ultimately lead to it's demise. It wasn't until several months after I left when I was hospitalized and put on medications when I started to see the relationship more clearly. I let the illness destroy the marriage but I've been trying to fix myself but in the long run I don't see any reason to without her. I don't have anything I want out of life... nothing I want to accomplish or see happen. I don't even know what I'm supposed to want to see in my life. The only thing I want is to be back with her.

@SarahGeorgeDCS I can get another woman in my life that displays the personality traits I desire easy enough. I've been involved with other women since I left my wife. I can't even like them. I spend every moment I'm near them hating the fact that I'm there. I really HATE people and socialization. I'd rather be alone than interact with people but I can't be alone.

@monk4u Thank you for taking the time to respond. :) She knows how I feel. She's known for a long time and she doesn't care. She claims her feelings for me now are just human compassion and concern.

I have no goals, dreams or hopes to chase. I've never had any of these and I don't even know what to want for myself. I have everything but her...