I Feel Used
This year, I struggled a lot of different things. Whether it was in school or out of school, I never had a chance to relax and sit down because I was stressed out by all of the work I had. And no, I was not a freshman. I had an out of school activity that took up 95% of my life, not including school. Also, I had a realization about myself; I didn't trust anyone. And how crazy it sounds, I barely told anyone ANYTHING going on in my personal life. Not my best friends, not my parents. I chose to kept them bottled up in a corner in the back of my head. Some days I would just breakdown crying because of the urge to just tell someone. I you were wondering, I'm not official diagnosed with any disorder, however, I did take the 7 Cups of Tea Depression Test and scored for severe anxiety and stress, and moderate depression.
Back story out of the way. At the end of the school year, I met someone who made me feel special and safe. Although I barely knew him, he knew how to help me deal with all of this. I thought, for maybe just a split second,it could be something special. He would always sprinkle little compliments like telling me I don't need makeup or I'm adorable. I could always expect a surprise hug from him. I once Skyped him late at night just talking about the emotional breakdown I had during the day. I thought I would get the same boring response of "It's ok", but he went on about how he would be giving me virtual hugs everyday. He said I was special. And for a moment, I thought we were special.
About a month later, I was hanging out with a friend. Keep in mind, I continued to talk to him and even met up with him. Anyways, she's amazing, probably my best friend, so we tell each other everything. Well, almost everything. She began to tell me on how the guy I've been talking to dated her a few years ago and wants to get back together. Even to this day, he wants to get back together.
At that moment, I felt used. Was he getting closer to me to get to my friend? Was this a way to make her jealous? I felt gross. I didn't feel special.
Did he ever love me? Or did he never want to be alone?
I haven't talked to him since.
Broken trust is one of the most hurtful, heartbreaking things there is. It makes it a million times worse when you don't trust, you finalllyyyy give in and trust, and then you are hurt.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad your friend told you what was going on. Maybe it's not what it seems. Have you thought about talking to him about it? You deserve an answer, you deserve not to sit around and wonder, probably driving yourself insane if you have high levels of anxiety.
I hope everything works out well for you, whatever happens. Thank you for reaching out to get help. It is so important not to go through this alone.
Gosh, i can't imagine the disappointment and hurt you felt after all that time. Well done you for posting your story here and getting advice and support. That's a positive.
It may not be what you think, you've heard from your friend..now you need to hear from him. Let him talk and have his say. Then i would suggest going away for a bit and think about your situation.
the first paragraph sounds just like. I get the feeling I can one at you don't push everyone away. At least you're able to make a friend that you trust. I can make friends but not real ones.