Husband moved out, and my mother doesn't even care about my grief.
He and I are still amazing friends, but I had asked him for more time, and to stay.
He said he had to go, because he can't be the person he wants to be around me.
It's been 9 years.
The last few years we had to move back home with my mom, so I could finish college. Paid $700 a month to live with my mom.
But a few days ago he moved out. And the day after he left, taking everything from the tv and the couch, to the shelves, my mother moved her (six) cat's litter box to where my couch sat, in my separate living room, and she took down things i had hanging on the walls.
It hurt me. It was only the next day after he left. I told her I needed time before she moved her stuff into where he and I lived, in our living room, our dining room, but she got angry, and said i've had 8 months to get over this. When I tried to explain to her how I felt, how i've been crying everytime I walk out my bedroom door, she said i'm just lashing out at her and I have had plenty of time to get over it, that i've been seeing someone else so I shouldnt care anymore.
But you can't get over 9 years. Not that quickly. Not the day after he left. She didnt even give me a day, and now I feel so alone, and so trapped, and I can't even leave my room without so much pain. I don't know what to do, I have no distractions. School is closed, my job is closed, I have nothing to do but sit in my room and cry.
@CharlotteZ
Nine years is a long time. I could easily see why this change has been quite painful for you, regardless of his reasoning.
Marriage must remain a mutual decision, unfortunately, he made a different choice for his life's path. I know that does not bring you any comfort, but the reality of the situation is that you'd wanted him to stay with you ONLY if he was 100% invested, feeling supported, felt he could be who he was meant to be, and other reasons I'm sure he stated. For whatever reason, he felt he needed to make a hard change. I doubt it was easy for him either. Very few people can easily just walk away from nine years and feel nothing.
From what you've described in your post, it sounds as if you're going through the stages of grief.
Denial - which is designed to help us cope with the loss, we're overwhelmed, questioning much of your direction, your own purposes, state of shock, denial, and light hope, perhaps some sense of numbing. You may want people to sympathize with you, such as your mother, for example.
Anger - it's inevitable, but part of the healing process. It's ok to feel it, but make sure to express it in constructive ways. The more you own it, feel it, the more quickly it can dissipate. Under all that anger is pain, real pain. It's normal that you feel deserted and abandoned, but anger is not to be feared. Go to the gym, go for a walk, punch a punching bag if it helps you, do kick-boxing, something to deal constructively with those feelings. It's easy to lash out at innocent people at this stage.
Bargaining - You'll try to do self-reflection, ask lots of questions, look for answers, text or call your ex, and try lots of "if only" statements... anything to not feel the pain of your loss.
Depression - The emptiness creeps in, grief enters in and we think it may last forever but it will not. This is not a sign of mental illness, or a huge problem that requires medical attention. It's a normal, temporary, adjustment to what has happened, a realization, and dealing with the loss itself. We might withdraw, cry (let it out, it's good for you), and have intense sadness. This is normal for you to feel this way. Reach out to people, such as 7 Cups, to talk. Find an outlet, other than your mother and your ex. Try not to exhaust your friends or family. You may consider a therapist. You can physically go to one, which I recommend, OR you can try online.
Acceptance - This doesn't equal, "Ok" or "All Better", but it's accepting the fact that your marriage is over and this reality is your new reality. There is a re-adjustment period, where you'll come to terms with the fact that each day there will be new experiences, new decisions to be made, and a pathway that includes more about you, your life, and your choices. You said you'd enrolled or working to complete a program -- excellent. Find yourself healthy activities to occupy your time.
There is the six stage of grief that came from David Kessler, called Finding Meaning. At this point, you'll move forward with a certain level of respect for your ex, your previous relationship with him, and what transpired. You'll have learned very valuable lessons about what you'd experienced in the years you were together and will be able to then formulate a path forward that includes lessons learned, not to repeat some of those mistakes made, and with your head a bit higher into whatever relationships you may decide to get into in the future.
This is YOUR journey, not your mother's. She is only involved because you're living with her, she is, therefore, front and center, and will not likely see the situation you've been in or are going through the same way. That is why it's important for you to see out a licensed therapist or someone who is trained to deal with the loss of a long-term relationship, someone you can vent to, someone that can help you through some of the stages and that should not be a new love interest no matter how well-meaning they appear to be. As I said, trained and experienced as in degreed and specialized, licensed.
I wish you well through these stages, there is no easy path. I know the crying seems a bit much, but you're in a lot of pain and it is very understandable the frustration you likely feel, the underlying pain, including the pain that you currently feel seems overwhelming. You will come out from this, but as you've figured it out it will take time to heal.
I wish you and even your mother well in this situation. I hope that you find peace on the other end of this tunnel.
