He lied about watching porn
My bf and I have been dating for a year and we’re normally very open. From early on we had the talks about boundaries and stuff.
Without any input or coercion from me, he has stated that he finds porn disgusting and bad for your mental health about 6-7 times throughout this time.
2 days ago I jokingly asked to see his twitter search bar because everyone jokes about how there’s always some crazy stuff in there. He absolutely panics and I playfully ask once more. He refuses and i lie next to him a bit confused. Then in the corner of my eye I see him deleting all the searches.
This really sets me off due to a past emotionally abusive relationship and i go to the toilet and get emotional. I come back into the room and lie in bed crying and then i confront him about how it makes me feel and why.
The whole night i stay up overthinking about the 2 options it could be, another girl or porn. In the morning i’m very cold with him and then finally tell him what i think it was. After lots of silence and tears he finally admits it was porn.
Im not sure what hurt more, him lying and hiding it the whole time or what it actually was. He said he’d only watched it once for 5 minutes but I watched him delete multiple searches.
We had a conversation where it was just him crying about the thought of me leaving him, but this was still frustrating as it doesn’t answer any of the questions i still have.
Hes over for the weekend and this happened ok friday and it’s currently sunday yet again overthinking.
I just really want to know what made him change the “i hate porn” mindset or if all those times he’d blatantly lied to my face. I’ve also recently been struggling with body insecurity and just the thought of him lusting over another woman’s body had just made this worse.
Any advice or what would you do in this situation?
Leta talk🙂
as a man, what’s your opinion on this?
as a man, porn is embarrassing in my opinion. sure, its somewhat normalized into society, but its still very taboo to a lot of people. porn is also very addictive and often times is used as a tool for relieving yourself. hence why its hard to talk about. i would say you should talk to him about the porn. be open, why does he watch it, how often, etc.
do remember, it is natural for the human body to *** every once in a while. most people use porn as a tool for this…and as a guy who has been somewhat in this spot before, know that he is most likely not fantasizing over the girls in those videos. he loves you if he is crying over the thought of a breakup.
HOWEVER, i do feel like you have more of a reason to be upset about the lying. why does he feel the need to lie to you about the porn? when talking to him about this, i would focus more on the lying rather than the porn. in my opinion, the lying is much more of an issue than the porn, as that breaks trust which is a pillar in all relationships.
hope this helped,
slixy
hey thanks for the response and 100% i’m just really hurt about the lie because to make the situation make sense i’m now trying to figure out what changed on his head.
I had times where i watched it myself but because i’m in a relationship where i thought we were very sexually compatible i never felt the need to and i assumed the same with him.
Ive been going through some body insecurity recently and the fact that he’s recently decided to go elsewhere for sexual gratification has also been really eating away at me
im sorry you are dealing with some body insecurity issues, that sounds rough. Maybe you dont have to directly say it is a body insecurity issue, but do bring this up to him. if something is eating away at you, you need to get it off your chest or you will hold it against that person for longer than you should.
Along with this, you said you had previously watched porn. Do you still think about those people you did the deed to? Were you fantasizing about the back then?
Ill just go ahead and say most likely not. In fact I doubt you even remember all the videos/pictures you have seen in a lifetime (unless you really have watching it that little then props to you). What I am trying to say is its normal to watch porn every once in a while; ***, at least hes not sleeping with another damn girl!!!
be kind to urself about this. and like i said, please come into that convo with an open mind, no matter how upset you are…it will make all the difference so you can listen to his side and you can give yours.
best of luck <3,
slixy
@straightforwardBeechwood6877
Hello, so sorry to hear about your situation. Your confusion and hurt is very valid. it would be good to go to him in a place of curiosity and lack of judgement and ask why he lied. Perhaps he is not wanting to lie to you, but is actually lying to himself. There's a dissonance between what he 'believes' about porn and what he actually craves, so it may be hard for him to accept that. I hope you guys get to talk it out. all my love <3