Heartbreak (both still in love)
Hi 👋👋 As
cliché as it is : I'm 2 weeks out of a romantic break-up. This was my
most cherished relationship. We didn't separate for lack of feelings, or
common vision. It wrecked both of us, and we agreed we might get back together.
But it's the first time I feel like I'm "loosing my mind"
that much. things feel numb. surreal. lost.
What helped YOU during your breakups? what activities? thoughts? routines? much appreciated !
@disciplinedCherry253
I am sorry, but I cannot understand one thing: you love each other, you share the same vision, you are both suffering from the breakup and hoping about being together again... So why the breakup?
@jacek73
We love the person that each other is.
think each other is so rare, so precious.
and are scared to never find that again.
But I'm (we?) exhausted of emotional rollercoasters.
the time, energy that disappears in those doubts /hesitations /back and forth.
I need clarity, clear choices, clear actions. taking a decision, and standing by that. be congruent.
@disciplinedCherry253
Thanks for explaining. Indeed, now it sounds like a losing game...
What helped me after breakups: Actually, becoming another person. I believe you were someone different before you met this man, and it is up to you if you prefer being "you from this relationship" or "general you/different you". Women sometimes change their haircut, image and clothing to make this difference more visible to themselves. Not only women, as a matter of fact 😉
Also, patiently struggling with some issues to the point of anger. This is not about starting to hate or dislike the person, but about putting an end to some situations and not letting some bad things to go on. Anger is a powerful fuel. It can make me introduce changes without turning around too much, and with no returns.
@jacek73 I'm trying to adjust to the no-contact period we just agreed to start.
If you have any tips for that, and those rollercoasters : interested too !
@disciplinedCherry253
I am not authorised to give you any advice, because I am an active listener, not a certified therapist. But I can listen to you, share my experience or show you some various perspectives.
I see you are quite well into the "positive disintegration" and "building myself anew" scenario.
I also believe that is good to keep to the no contact zone.
I believe there can be lots of different reasons for a breakup. Feeling stuck, with no hope for some decisive moves (like e.g. getting married, having a child, moving to some place or starting to live under the same roof), can be one of them. And maybe that is a part of your story?
@jacek73 Sure. I meant : sharing your own experience, process. Or things that have worked for you.
How did you deal with no-contact for example?
It's been 3 dayss and it's heart-wrenching. he's been my closest person for so long; my 'family', lover but also totally my best-friend. How do I go from texting him multiple times a day to nothing without losing sanity?
@disciplinedCherry253
I guess it's like two persons inside you fighting over sending or NOT sending him a message, and there is no guarantee who is the winner.
Maybe that is the reason why in most cases relationships "slow down" some time before they break: talking or messaging becomes less frequent, you argue and fight more often than you talk to each other, and finally there is nothing to talk about or no one to talk to...
I think everyone of us has their endurance limits, and crossing them becomes the point of no return.
I believe first three days can be the most difficult, 'cause this is the time we forget the chemistry of being with another person. Later on we can see, if we miss just the chemistry, or the entire connection on various levels and if we are ready to close a certain chapter or wanna keep trying.
When you have flashbacks of your relationship are they good ones or bad ones? Or both?
I don't know what to say, because it was your love and it is your life. Everybody is different. Every relationship is different. And it is really easy to do harm saying someone she or he should go this or that way.
I think the biggest question is: Did you take a decision about not going back, or are you still hesitating?
@jacek73 I'm fine with you not giving directions. Just chatting it out is nice ! and exchanging ideas !
Well I know I am not gonna 'break', and actually contact him. Because I want to respect the Agreement. (I'm a person of principles, values) But it does feel like an internal war yes, or storm rather : because I think of him, and of things to share with him *3-4 times a day*.
We have so much in common, and so many rare interests that we don't really share with friends or family : we really were the 1st person to go to for each other for many topics. He just sees the world in a very special way (I do too) -and not many people do.
You're right.
I feel in our case, the relationship didn't slow down. because we didn't run out of things to share.
So the cut is just, brutal.
That's a fair point!
I'll see with time what I miss. just the chemistry, or shared interests, or more .. And what approach it makes me wanna have.
I reminisce only good memories ! or like, 98%. there can be some frustration or jealousy when I'm tired etc. but besides those it's happy memories. I have so many with him!! And big memories as well; he was my companion for my firsts in my life in many domains.
To your final question :
I absolutely still head over heels for him and the relationship. He said it was wrong 'life timing', but that he loves me, absolutely does, and would love someone like me long-term, and might very well come back in 6 months hoping like *** I take him back. So for now I'm just holding on to that hope to just make do one day after the other honestly haha it might be cliché and overly romantic. but it's what helps for now.
I meant: what influenced your decision about breakup?
@jacek73 Sure, I can develop (:
His lifestyle choices and my lifestyle choices are very different.
Job, schedule, choice of town and region.
I know it could sound superficial. I love the person that he is. But I cannot compromise those choices forever.
I have compromised my needs to accommodate his lifestyle for 4 years. But reached my limit. he is interested in my lifestyle preferences long-term, but not taking action to start changes now.
@jacek73 He also said that 'something' was missing for him in the relationship. despite all the good things.
He spent ages trying to identify/understand that 'something' (research, discussions with friends, therapy). but couldn't exactly. That, was driving him crazy inside, slowly.
(Also:
the last time we met up, two weeks ago, and spent a weekend together to figure things out : he said that 'something' wasn't there anymore. that it was just, great. that contrast relieved him and confused him at the same time)
@disciplinedCherry253
Oh no, I know exactly how you feel! I’ve been through the same emotional journey that you’re experiencing now. Everything can seem just perfect in many ways, but then differing perspectives on certain things can start to strain a relationship. I recently broke up with my ex too, and we were very much in love with each other. We shared the same goals, but in our case, we were simply at different stages or 'phases' in life.
We had different views on what 'clean' meant in a household, which sometimes led to arguments. He still lives at home, while I moved out many years ago (we’re both 26). He tended to say more than he actually delivered. He made a lot of promises, but in reality, it was hard to see him follow through on them, not just for me, but for us.
The way I handled a breakup was simply by continuing to move forward on my life journey. Breakups are tough in general, no matter who made the decision. If you have hobbies, keep pursuing them, spend time with your friends, and with time, you will heal!
@MorningDewHorizon thank you lov! It is soothing to hear shared experiences ! and similar views.. I feel less like an odd unusual mess aha.
I'll keep diving into the hobbies and activities idea..
How did you handle the No-Contact part in your case?
We called 4 days ago to decide it, and agreed for 3 months (both crying on the phone).
And I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I used to think of him/something to tell him/ask him *4-5 times a day*. +the daily life of living together. He's been my closest person
for 4 years; my 'family', lover but also totally my best-friend. How do I
go from texting him multiple times a day to nothing?! without losing
my sanity?
As soon as I went 'no-contact,' I muted him on all social media. Blocking didn’t feel right for me, but I made sure to mute him. After that, I focused on doing what I usually enjoyed: spending time with friends. I tried to keep myself constantly distracted to forget about him. Today, I feel much better, but in the beginning, there was a strong urge to check up on him, to see if he was doing okay. However, that’s something you really need to avoid!
I know what you’re going through is tough, and your feelings are completely valid. Four years is a long relationship, and you’ve built a strong bond that is now broken. But try to avoid anything that reminds you of him, mute him on all platforms, and keep yourself busy.❤️🩹💕
Lot of love!
