First Breakup
S and I were best friends for the past five years. We told each other everything and we were each other's go to person to talk to when we needed advice or just any kind of help. Three years ago, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and S was the only person who I told and he has really helped me through it. I'm only 14 so this is your classic boy and girl are best friends, then realize that they like each other. I used to self harm on a daily basis and he got me to stop and onNovember7th, I'll be a month clean. Early this year, we went on the band trip together and he started being romantic towards me which I wasn't used to. We sat next to each other on the bus and I fell asleep on his shoulder with his arm around me. We went to an amusement park and we were holding hands and he kept hugging me. We had a pool party at our hotel and I was/am ridiculously insecure, but I never spoke to him about that because I knew I would get awkward compliments that would mess with our friendship. When I went to the pool, I was super scared being in a bikini and he walked up to me, told me I looked beautiful and jokingly grabbed my hand and pushed us into the pool together. We had a mutual friend who told me that he liked me and I had liked him for a while so this person obviously tried to set us up. So one day at school, he came up to me which wasn't surprising but then asked if I wanted to go out to dinner that Saturday and I said sure because we would do that in a totally friendly way. Then, he asked if I knew what he was asking and I was confused, it was just us hanging out and he said I'm asking you if you want to be my girlfriend. I hugged him and said of course. Over spring and summer, we hung out on a multi weekly basis, as much as possible. He never kissed me or did more than lay on me while watching the stars. Beginning in around June, I was diagnosed with anorexia and he really helped me with that. Since school started, we didn't see each other as much which upset me, but we were able to hang out as much as possible. Last night, he sent me this "So from like 7th to mid 8th grade I really liked you. And after a while I just sorta guessed you weren't into me and I just didn't like you a whole lot (not as a person just in that way) but when Cole said that you liked me I figured that I couldn't say "oh yeah I don't like her" after the year or so that I had. So I said yeah and then after we went out a few times I started to really like you again but slowly the feeling sorta started to fade and at art on the avenue I realized that were really different, not like taste in movies, and music and all that but more in like our personalities. And ever since I've been thinking about it and realized how were just different and I don't know if we should really continue with it" so that was my first break up, ever, with my best and only friend and I don't know what to do. I have been hospitalized for anorexia, anxiety and depression for the past four weeks and I was supposed to be discharged today, but they thought I was too emotionally unstable to be discharged because I was crying out of control. So tomorrow, if my safety is low in terms of suicidal thoughts, anxiety or restricting, I will be residentially hospitalized for 30 days. If my safety is high, I will be discharged. I don't know what to do with the relationship and if we are still friends, so this is where I came. I am open to any advice, feedback, or anything that anyone has to say about my situation with S.
Kelsey
hey does anyone have anything to say I'd really like some help
Hey @sadkelsey ? there's not much I can say other than to give you a big virtual hug. I am sad you're going through this first break up. It sounds like S. is unsure about how he's feeling, and it's probably good that he's being honest with you about the difference he senses in your personalities, although the timing isn't great. Know that even though he's mentioned this compatibility issue, it's just that: a compatibility issue between you two, not something wrong with you personally. You are great and deserve someone who likes you just the way you are!
I sincerely hope that you will still be able to be friends, but I understand that sometimes when a breakup happens, things are emotional at first, and either of you might need space for awhile to regainnormalcy between you. If you can't be friends today, it doesn't mean you won't be able to be friends again in the future once things have cooled down. Fingers crossed. I'm sure you'll both determine what's best for you.
I know how important he's been to you ? and nothing can take away those memories ? but I hope you also recognize how strongyou are, and that you've played a huge role in your own progress in stopping your self-harm.As someone else who's struggled with self-harm in the past, congratulations on a month without coping that way.I wish you as much success with theother challenges in your life, soon.
I can tell you're a beautiful,caring and mature person, you deserve strong friendships and relationships, and you have so much life, love and potentialahead of you. I hope you consider reaching out to any other friends and family who can support you through this difficult time.Hang in there, Kelsey. I'll be sending good thoughts and wishes your way.
@sadkelsey Also, if you ever want to talk or vent about these things, please feel free to message me! I would be happy to listen to you. Either way, I hope you are kind to yourself right now. Take care.
Thank you so much, the month without self harm was actually a typo, it will be a year for me. So it is really hard, but I feel like I almost refuse to relapse, like I took so much effort and just put it into not harming myself and I won't break that with a single cut I'll immediately regret.
Thats tough my friend @sadkelsey. If you ever need a kind ear feel free to PM and perhaps we can set something up.
First of all, grats for the progress you've made today. for the way you're thinking and for having such a strong willpower :)
Secondly, regarding the breakup or, better said, "the so-called breakup", since nobody seem to know at this very moment, not even yourself (by your own words), if you still have a relationship with him.From outside, it seems like he's not mature enough to understand that a relationship does not mean having the same tastes in movies, music and stuff like that, but it's rather much more complex. I guess it may take a while (for some people the whole lfietime) to understand and respect the others for what they are, for their uniqueness and for their diversity, rather than asking them to change or just dumping them for such reasons. As OliviaButler pointed out before, it's nothing wrong with you, it's just he's not mature enough to understand that a friendship/relationship is based on more important aspects, not on similar tastes about some irrelevant subjects like movies.
However, there are two big IFs regarding your breakup:
1.If he actually understands, respect and keep/start loving you for who you really are with all your qualities, but also with all the problems. This would most probably solve the problem and he will probably " start to really like you again" and accept for who you are.
I think you should try to tell him that and maybe/hopefully he understands and starts to respect and love you for who you are, but since you definitely know him better than any of us, it's up to you to find out HOW to tell him that. I admit there is a very low chance for a teenager to understand such things, especially for men, but maybe it's worth trying.
2.The second big IF is the fact that nobody knows for sure IF he really meant what he wrote. It's a fact that most of us, men/boys, are kinda clumsy when trying to express emotions, feelings or when trying to use our intuition or empathy !
For example, I remember something that now it's funny every time i think about it, but back then it was really intense and painful: After like a couple of months of a long distance relationship with a girl and after sharing a lot of personal/private information about each other, we were finally admitted at the same highschool and it finally came the day to meet her live, for real. We've met and and some point she asked me if I like how she looks in real life, not just from pictures and webcam. She got me by surprise and I was too stupid and, at the same time, too ashamed to tell her she was gorgeous, despite the fact it was more than obvious that we liked each other...and that's how I've wasted a great relationship with a very nice girl, just because at that time I was too stupid to admit the truth :) A costly mistake that I've never done since then !
Just make sure he's not as clumsy as I was years ago and, please, double check if he really means what he wrote. Maybe you can still be happy and/or have a relationship with him.
However, if the things won't go into the right direction with him, just remember he's not the only friend you have. You have friends in here too ! We may look like avatars or simple letters, but I can assure you we're just real people and can be as helpful as a friend/bf can be in "real life". Not sure if you can contact me on my Listener account, but if you want and if it helps you, we can definitely keep talking here, on the public forum.
Wish you a wonderful day :)
@BobbyRo thank you so much, I really appreciate your advice. I'll consider the ifs. I talked to him last night and he said that he said everything was genuine, but we are just better off as friends. I think I'll try to keep a relationship with him, he's still one of my best friends and that won't change which I'm really happy about