Ex Moved on Within a Week. In desperate need of help. ):
My ex, who was the love of my life but had also been extremely abusive, moved on to someone else not even 24 hours after our breakup. I don't believe it is a rebound. He is not the kind to have a rebound. He just genuinely falls in love very, very fast.
After not speaking for a week, I finally responded to his messages and we talked about how well his life has been going in the past week... Eventually he joked about a girl and it turns out they have been seeing each other since the night after he and I broke up.
Apparenty he had asked her and a couple of friends to go to a show he was helping with. He'd invited me, but then told me I couldn't go because his mom would be there and she hates me. I didn't care, and if he'd have let me, I would have gone even if she was there. I knew it was important to him. This girl was the only one who came to the show though. Afterwards she met his mom and he thanked her by hanging out with her at the very same place we had our first date. Mind you, this was ONE NIGHT after our break up. They hit it off and have been talking and going on dates ever since.
Parts of me are so happy for him because our two years together were less than perfect and the new girl is beautiful and kind. Everything seems to be falling in place for them perfectly, but I am personally dealing with a lot of anger and pain that I just want to get past.
He was my best friend and we genuinely loved each other, but he was very abusive to me during our 2 year relationship and those bad memories are what I used to get through the week after our breakup. I was in so much pain, but remembering how much he lied, cheated, physically hurt me, and broke my trust, really helped me cope and realize I needed to move on.
But for some reason, him telling me that he is with someone who makes him happy and that he wants to actually take things slow with her, really made me annoyed, angry, jealous, and has left me in so much pain. I was doing fine until he told me this. I feel what he is doing with this girl (who came out of an abusive relationship 6 months ago) in addition to telling me and knowingly doing this so soon is entirely insensitive and disgusting.
He sent me a text several days after our breakup saying "I'm sorry. I just don't want to love or be loved by anyone right now." I didn't respond, but in my heart, I called BS and I knew he would move on quickly, but not literally the day after... I didn't even have time to heal properly and I have no idea how he could have or how he can disrespect our two years together by jumping into a new relationship this soon.
He wants to remain friends, and I would like to do that too. Although our relationship was horrible, I do believe we make great friends and our breakup was clean this time (That's how I knew it was the end. Every other time we'd broken up, it was messy but we always came back because we missed the passion and needed closure. This time we got the closure and the passion in the relationsip died a while ago so there was nothing to come back to).Originally, we agreed to not talk for a while and gradually introduce each other back into our lives as friends. Now for some reason, he's changed his mind and expects me to still be the best friend I was to him while we were together and he's angry and doesn't seem to understand how I can't do that.
I can't sit and watch as he asks for advice about how to be successful with his new relationship when I'm still grieving over the failure of our relationship.
I just want to move past this while still being able to have closure with him. I need all of the advice I can get because none of my friends think I have the right to be upset about this and are fed up because they think I should have just cut him off a long time ago.
no offence but he sounds like a dick ,if he is going to act like nothings happened when you broke up and just move onto someone else ,he doesn't care about you ,which is sad because you seem like a nice genuine person that cares alot about people. I would move on and forget him because if he really cared about you he wouldn't have done what he did . I wouldn't lose sleep over him he doesn't sound like he is with you so I wouldn't let him make you feel this hurt and upset . You deserve do much better and you will one day .just enjoy life and forget about him . Because you don't deserve the way he has treated you hugs .
@starrydevany
@dreamgirl44444
Thank you so much. It means a lot to hear that. I just hope I can control myself. I'm so tempted to message this girl and tell her how emotionally and physically abusive he was so she can run for the hills, but I know if I want him to have the chance to change, I shouldn't. I really do wish them the best. I'm so tired of being sad about him, but I just can't seem to help it. I hope I can move on with my life as soon as possible so that I don't have to watch him move on with his while I'm stuck standing still.
I wish you luck hun and I wish you all the best for everything in the future . You can do this , your a wonderful person , :)
@starrydevany
@starrydevany it is very compassionate of you to do this for him, to not go ahead and tell the girl about your experience, but to give him a chance to change... It is very noble of you. However, for you I think it would be best if you didnt get at all involved with their relationship for now. Tell him you need the space and ask him kindly not to message you when he has these relationship problems with you, its too soon for you. He should understand that, if not then he ineed is a dick. Please watch out for yourself first xx Take care
@dreamgirl44444😂😂😂 I agree
@dreamgirl44444 I aggree so much with what you said in your first response to this post
@starrydevany@starrydevany Oh, my. Where to begin. He's doing this to hurt you. He never loved you, or cared about you. He doesn't actually care or love her. How do I know? *clears throat* Only psychopaths and narcissists remain friends with their exes. I'm not accusing you of being either, actually, I'm accusing him of being one or both of those, and I believe that you're friends with him because of your emotional tie that you still have with him even though you two aren't together anymore. Abusive relationships are funny like that. *sighs* maybe you two aren't "friends", but the fact that he went out of his way to tell you about his new girl is a major red flag. He wants you to beg to get back with him. That's not a good thing, because he doesn't care about you. Abusers don't care. They don't know how to love, including themselves. They only know possession, and control. Neither of which are characteristics of love. With that being said! I think you should talk to a psychologist or a therapist so you can break out of the mentality that he's made for you. Abusers basically groom their victims to think and act certain ways, and probably one of the reasons why you're still stuck is because you're thinking the way that he trained you too-dependently on him. Ugh, relationships like this make me upset. Good luck! I'm proud of you for breaking up with him! If you're thinking "no one understands him like I do" or "people just don't get it, he abused me but he loved me at the same time", then your relationship is indeed just another typical abusive relationship. Don't ever talk to him again, and listen to those friends! omg.
@charmingHemlock8168
Thank you for snapping some sense into me. You're completely right. There were times when he would pick a fight just to see me chase after him. Once, we had a small disagreement and he yelled "I'm done!" and began walking away. As I followed him, I saw him look in a nearby window's reflection to see if I was following and he smiled when he saw my reflection chasing after him. He immediately put back on the angry facade when he noticed I saw him do that. He always told me he loved getting a rise out of me and part of the reason why I stayed for so long was because he'd breakup with me but say, "I only do it because it's the only way I know how to respond when I'm angry and it's better than hurting you. I really do love you and want to be with you. When I act like that, please just do anything you can to make me come back." I got brainwashed by that and I let it happen pretty much every day of our relationship. He always took advantage of how forgiving I am. It was disgusting. I'm really happy to be out of this relationship. I'm just amazed that I disrespected myself so much by staying with someone so mean to me all of the time and I'm upset that I'm still getting heartbroken by him even though we aren't together anymore. I have an appointment with my therapist on the 22nd actually and I'm really looking forward to it because, damn, do I need some healing after this.
@starrydevany You've got this! We believe in you. My mom was always in and out of abusive relationships, so I can't empathize directly, but I can understand to an extent. People who go through such craziness are strong, and brave. Never forget that!
@charmingHemlock8168
Thank you. It means so much to hear that and to know there are people who have faith in me. :,)
@starrydevany I have faith in you too! You are a great and lovely person, and I am so happy to see that this has not completely changed you into someone sour and bitter about life <3 please keep your head high. You got this! :)
@Ladybug11
Thank you for all of your kind words. You're right, I'm very proud that I haven't allowed myself to become bitter about this situation. Although I am angry and am tempted to give in to that anger (and actually did give in when we he told me about her), I remind myself that it's not worth it and I can only allow positivity in my life following such a negative two years. I'm so tired of being upset about him and I am just so ready to move on with my life. Thank you again for all of your support. It really has helped me. (:
@starrydevany It is completely okay to be mad and angry at times, all your feelings towards this matter are okay to have and neccessary of you to have :) <3 I am sure he believes he moved on, but deep inside he might not actually have and is simply distracting himself, or he sadly never felt as deep for you as you did for him :( I find this quote amazing, maybe it can help you :)
Which is why I am not here to tell you tomorrow will be a new day. That the sun will go on shining. Or there are plenty of fish in the sea. What I will tell you is this: its okay to be hurting as much as you are. What you are feeling is not only completely valid but necessary—because it makes you so much more human. And though I cant promise it will get better any time soon, I can tell you that it will—eventually. For now, all you can do is take your time. Take all the time you need.
LANG LEAV, LULLABIES
@charmingHemlock8168 oh wow.... Reading this has snapped some sense into me too...Thank goodness I got out...My ex used to say he was a narcissist but I always made excuses for him
Sociopath alert!
If you have the energy, warn the new girl. She's his next victim. He shopped well!
Then be done with it and never look back.
Also, see if you can find a therapist who has experience in helping victims of sociopaths.
Sorry, I hope you feel better and good luck. There are good men out there but go heal yourself first.
@MadEver
Thank you for the advice. I am really focusing on allowing myself to accept what has happened and opening myself to healing. It's a hard process. There's a lot of baggage to clear. There's a lot of involuntary tears left to shed. However, it's not impossible to move forward after this and I have to keep that in mind. Thank you for your support. It means the world to me.
@starrydevany
It looks to me that despite all the positivity you've been trying to allow yourself to have with the help of this wonderful supportive community, you're still tired of having these natural yet negative emotional effects of this breakup. You have mentioned a lot like "There's a lot of baggage to clear" and "involuntary tears left to shed".
I don't only understand but also I do agree that one should not force themselves to feel OK. Because I believe if a negative emotion persists despite our trials to change it, it mean there is another place within us needs attention. And this place can be conscious or unconscious.
If you're still not feeling as good as you think you can be at the moment, I'd like to invite you to visit my profile and see if you want to talk to me. I have a little different way, but if you're willing to talk about it enough, you're very likely to turn your emotions the other way round in under an hour.
@starrydevany
I would say that being friends with an ex is incredibly difficult. I spent 11 years years being there for an ex-girlfriend when she was going through tragedies in her life only to be abandoned when I was sufferring. For him to expect you to help him succeed in a new relationship, when it seems to me that he failed the relationship with you is completely unfair. You said he was abusive; one of the things that I learned in recovering from an abusive marriage is that often time the abuser with seek to remain friends after the relationship ends. Is this what your ex is doing? I can't say for sure as I have never met this person.
As for your friends thinking you don't have the right to be upset about what is happening, that seems unreasonable on the part of your friends. Break ups are hard. The emotions involved are powerful. When a relationhip ends, whether on a good note or a bad note, we now have to start thinking about our present/future in terms of just our own self, when we had been planning a present/future with someone else. True friends would understand that this has caused a major upheaval in your happiness and peace and be supportive.
I would also have to agree with dreamgirl44444. This guy is not worth the pain and effort you are going through. We all deserve someone that treats us with repect, dignitity, and genuine love. If he truly cared about you, he would understand that you are hurting and would not seek your adivice on how to make the new relationhip successful. What he is soing is selfish.
@HeartofaPhoenix
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Hearing that makes me feel less alone and gives me the confirmation I need to no longer talk to him. I hope that things are better for you and you've healed since then.
And yes, he was the one trying to hold onto our friendship despite being the one who broke up with me. About two weeks after the breakup, my ex and I had an argument regarding me not wanting to remain friends because it hurts so much to see the person I've loved for such a long time falling for someone else. Although I began the conversation calmly, the argument did not end well and he continued to be inconsiderate about my feelings. In a way, I'm grateful because it means that he has no desire to talk to me anymore, so therefore I no longer have to endure the suffering of remaining friends with him, but I'm also really sad that he didn't understand where I was coming from. The reason why he wanted to cut communication was more because he was annoyed with me than because he cared about my feelings. We haven't had any contact since then and it has been the hardest time of my life, but thankfully I've made up for the lack of support in my friend groups by gaining support from people online like all of the wonderful people who've responded to my post so far. I'm knocked down by thoughts of him constantly, but I'm trying my best to look towards the future and remember it's for the best that he's not in my life anymore.
@starrydevany girl! He sounds like he has complete disregard for your feelings and only cares about himself, you should move on with your life, meet new people and learn to be alone, ignore him for a while while things settle and block him on everything, when you feel more like you again you can always try and build a friendship