Divorced but can’t seem to let go of false hope
My Ex wife and I got separated almost a year ago and got divorced back in July. The divorce ended really badly and she constantly refused to give me any kind of closure because I didn’t deserve it. Her story then turned into that one day things would be better enough between us to have a sit down conversation and lay everything out, but I don’t believe her because all of her actions have shown me that it may not happen. I have been holding out for that conversation and it’s been hindering my moving on, but I’m not sure how to feel like I don’t need that closure. I have tried time and time again to ask her but it’s either been that I haven’t been respecting her boundaries or that she’s still waiting for things to calm down. She doesn’t seem to care about giving me any kind of closure though, she didn’t have much remorse during the whole divorce process. It’s hard because I’m still very much in love with her. I was recently told by a mutual friend that she had told them at the end of the relationship, she had thought about dying early on so one of us could be happy. Hearing that really messed with my head because I had no idea she felt that way in the slightest as she never communicated to me how she was thinking about divorce or how she was feeling. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but she had always validated her happiness by telling me she was happy and that I was her person, etc. Ever since I have just been super messed up inside. The first thought that came to my mind was “I guess I’ll have to be the one to die for one of us to be happy” and I know that’s not healthy at all. I hold out for us getting back together when I know it’s impossible and I’m not sure how to break that cycle. I have been pushing and trying for months and months but I still feel very messed up from it all…
@Leos7
Sorry to hear that you've been having such a difficult time lately since the divorce.
There are more than one ways of getting closure. Of course having that conversation with her to understand what happened and why, would greatly speed up the process of accepting it's over and be able to move on from that point. The emotional attachment to that past, lingering with the hope of "someday" talking to understand or solve whatever happened is raw pain. However, if she has refused to have the conversation, the closure isn't coming from her.
The other path to accepting it's over is in acknowledging that for whatever reasons and circumstances, she no longer wants to be with you. She has chosen to end the connection. A relationship needs 2 to make it happen but only 1 to break it. This path to closure involves accepting the pain, the grief of the loss. Thinking and processing all you feel and working your way to the path of healing. There is no timeline and it is okay to take the time you need.
We have a little self help guide https://www.7cups.com/breakup-advice/
Much strength and peace to you
@Leos7,
she must have had her reasons to divorce and she is not obligated to share those reasons with you.
I understand you want some sort of closure but the only person to give closure is you.
It is over, fact, and there is nothing you can do about it. Keeping asking her for closure only invades her space that she needs and lying pushes her away and minimalizes any chance of normal contact in future.
Focus on you now. Know you were loved and turn your love towards yourself.
Take time and space to grieve and accept.
Don't let a divorce haunt you and guide you for the rest of your life.
You have so much to offer to self and to others.