Coping with Abandonment

I won’t get into the backstory too much, but suffice to say that after nearly two years, she abruptly left me.

I was quite surprised, to say the least. She had been in a bad place in her life when we began to draw close. Because she wasn’t herself, she became estranged from her fair-weather friends, and I was there to listen and fill the vacuum. Should’ve seen it for what it was, but I was riding such an amazing high of being important to her.

Looking back, she placed enormous demands on my time and resources. Demands which I was ecstatic to meet. She said she liked my poems, so I wrote her over 200. She likes antiques and fancy things, so I bought her rare items. Hand crafted things for her. Talked with her at any time day or night, whenever she needed an ear. Again, in hind sight, she gave nothing in return. Was really an emotional black hole.

Others had warned me that she was using me, but I wouldn’t listen.

Then she reconnected with the friends who had abandoned her. Within a week, she grew cold and completely cut me out of her life. Won’t talk, won’t tell me why. The only contact we have is a random message every few weeks telling me how horrible I am, or that I’m a ‘selfish evil rat.’ I would respond in a consoling manner, hoping to ease whatever was upsetting her.

I became depressed, lost my job, lost around 30lbs (I wasn’t chubby to begin with), and felt like there was no meaning to be found in life.

But time lessens all pains. I have been trying to rekindle old interests and hobbies, spend more time with my son, and found work in a new industry.

I’ve been trying to remove all things that remind me of her, which is very difficult. Especially the moon, one of my favorite things, because I likened it to her, my ‘perfect moon’.

Initially I was angry with her. But I’ve come to realize it’s really anger at myself for not recognizing that I was only ever a tool or bandaid.

Even as such, I wouldn’t change a thing. I did help her through a time when everyone else had abandoned her. I was her support and her ear, giving unconditional love when she desperately needed it. So it was worth it to me. My feelings being unrequited aren’t her fault.

At first I left lines of contact open in the naive hope that maybe she would have a change of heart. But I’ve since removed and blocked her from all social media. The exception is that I’ve left her phone number unblocked so if she really wants to contact me again she can text or call. I promised her that I would always be available if she ever needed to talk, and I’m good to my word. In that vain, I also swore loyalty to her, and that nobody else would ever have my heart. In retrospect, that may be a difficult vow, but it’s a source of pride for myself to keep my oaths.

Things are getting better day by day. She is still the number one thought in my mind. She’s in my dreams most nights, each morning I awake and immediately check my phone, hoping to see a kind word from her. But these will pass. And I feel a great sense of loss in that knowledge.