Broken and I caused it...still broken none the less...
Hi everyone:
So first off let me just start by saying that I take full responsibility for my actions and I am completely beating myself up over it, so I'm hoping that as dispicable as my actions were, understand that no one is beating me up worse than I already am. This will be extremely long so I apologize in advance and thank you for taking the time to read my story. All thoughts and advice are welcome...I am just afraid of being judged although I know I deserve it.
My story starts almost 2 years ago when I was in an online chat and met him. He invited me to chat with him and some friends that were also online at the time and so I did. He seemed very nice and was very funny, so were his friends. They were all so accepting and warm and at the time I really needed to feel like I was a part of something. The emptyness loneliness I was feeling at the time was weighing heavy on my heart.
After a few weeks of chatting with everyone he had opened up to me one on one about some things he said he was going thru. He was getting ready to turn 21 and I was 43 at the time so in my mind I never thought it would go anywhere because of our age difference, that wasn't even a thought in my mind. I just enjoyed their company and it was an escape from my lonely existence. Anyway he told me that he was in a really bad situation at home, his parents were abusive with him, his dad was a drinker and his mom was too afraid to do anything about the abuse they were victims of. He also said that he would not leave her because he was afraid of what his dad might do even though she didn't treat him well either and he felt stuck. My heart immediately went out to him. I tried to offer suggestions or help and was available to him whenever he needed to vent, cry or just be distracted from what was going on at home. We were both so caught up in what he was going thru that my age was never questioned, but after a few months, feelings started to develope on both sides. At this point I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and that someone needed me. He then told me at one point that he had a mass in his brain that needed removed and was going into surgery. I was so scared for him, but he made it through and all was well. Someone was actually present in my life in a way that no one had been before and I was there for him in a way no one had been for him as well. Someone actually looked forward to talking to me and wanted to learn more about me and I didn't want to lose that nor did I not want to be there for him so I did the unthinkable...
Yes, I lied about my age. To this day I honestly don't know why I did that and I know there is no excuse for it. I just knew that I didn't want to lose him. I told him I was 23. Just saying that makes me sick to my stomach, but I did. I can sit here and give all of the reasons why at the time I did this...I was lonely, I grew feelings for him, he made me feel special, he was kind and funny and we had so many similar interests, for the first time in my life I felt like I was enough and he felt like home, but not one of these excuses justify what I did and I know that.
6 months into our relationship, he called me in tears and told me that all of the things he told me about his homelife and the brain mass were not true. He said he didn't know why he did it but that he was sorry and felt like he needed to come clean. This would have been the perfect time for me to come clean with him, but fear of losing him came to the forefront and I didn't. I regret that now, because I have wasted 2 years of his life. I forgave him for lying to me 1, because I was lying to him, 2, because I explained it away in my head that he was lonely as well and young and was in need of attention and 3, because he was so sincere in his apology. I know this all sounds so dramatic and immature, but the feelings we both had in this were real even though the lies were present.
The last year and a half was so good. We talked on the phone every night for hours until we fell asleep, even though we weren't together physically, we were together emotionally and that was enough for us. It got to a point though that I knew lying to him was no longer okay, because I did fall in love with him and he deserved the truth. I remember saying to myself, "Ok I'm going to tell him" and then I would say "Just one more day...I need just one more magical day with him" and each day eventually turned into a year and a half. I just didn't want to lose him even though I knew I basically never really had him, because the person he thought he was with was not me...All of the things we talked about, our fears, hopes, dreams, interests all of that was real, but he thought it was coming from someone his age and that wasn't ok...
I finally just got to the point where I couldn't lie to him any longer, because I loved him too much to continue being selfish...so I told him 2 nights ago...He was shocked and hurt and disgusted and everything else you can imagine...but he wasn't mean about it. All I could do was explain where I was coming from and let him know that it didn't matter why I did it because I did it and there was no good excuse for it. I just kept expressing how sorry I was and that I would carry this guilt and heartache for hurting him with me for the rest of my life,. I didn't go into this with any intent of hurting him on purpose even though now that almost sounds impossible, but I honestly had no malous intentions when this started. He said it could never work because my family wouldn't accept it and his family would definitely not accept it and I totally get that. He said they would be disgusted and he himself was kind of digusted by it, but immediately apologized for being blunt about it but that it was the truth. He said that I wasted 2 years of his life and that had I just come clean when he did we could have maybe at least continued as friends. I could be his mom for God's sake. He said, "I thought you were the one...I thought I had finally found the girl of my dreams...I loved you with everything in me." That broke my heart, because even though our relationship was built on lies, the emotion and the love that grew between us was real. I honestly can't imagine anyone holding a candle to him. The way he spoke to me, how kind and patient he was, how much he made me laugh and all the beautiful things about him that I grew to love...I know I will always compare anyone new to him and I fear that they just won't be what he was to me.
I told him that I would deactivate my account that we met on and everything else, but that I would always be a text or phone call away if he should ever need anything and he said that was fair. We said goodbye and that was it...he was gone...
I know that this is my penance for what I have done, but it still hurts and I am still feeling so broken. I pray every night that God will take away the pain that I have caused him and that he finds someone that deserves him...my heart is so completely broken and I am so angry and ashamed of myself...The pain is tangible...
Thanks for listening...
@brig(htAvocado3528
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;
My story starts almost 2 years ago when I was in an online chat and met him. He invited me to chat with him and some friends that were also online at the time and so I did. He seemed very nice and was very funny, so were his friends. They were all so accepting and warm and at the time I really needed to feel like I was a part of something. (I could relate to this, it can definetly be tough to feel this way. If you didn't feel connected or that you belong or have a place with your family then its going to make you find that place in others) The emptyness loneliness I was feeling at the time was weighing heavy on my heart. (Loneliness can be one of the most hurtful feelings to experience, its like this emptiness tends to take over)
After a few weeks of chatting with everyone he had opened up to me one on one about some things he said he was going thru. He was getting ready to turn 21 and I was 43 at the time so in my mind I never thought it would go anywhere because of our age difference, that wasn't even a thought in my mind. I just enjoyed their company and it was an escape from my lonely existence. Anyway he told me that he was in a really bad situation at home, his parents were abusive with him, his dad was a drinker and his mom was too afraid to do anything about the abuse they were victims of. (I feel like he opened up way too fast, this screams a projection of unmet needs and this strong need to connect with someone. He definetly seems like he is going through a hard time, and it must be really traumatic for him. The abusive he is experiencing and seeing can be quite difficult, so i could see why he would feel that way) He also said that he would not leave her because he was afraid of what his dad might do even though she didn't treat him well either and he felt stuck. (This almost feels like he is thinking more about how they would feel, than how they feel. This could be a sign there could be too close, and that he might have a hard time finding indepedence and being away from them) My heart immediately went out to him. I tried to offer suggestions or help and was available to him whenever he needed to vent, cry or just be distracted from what was going on at home. We were both so caught up in what he was going thru that my age was never questioned, but after a few months, feelings started to develope on both sides. At this point I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and that someone needed me. (I can understand why you would feel this way, i can relate to this since this is something i have experienced as well, but its important to be careful with this. You are looking to feel needed, and that you belong somewhere, so this are things you may have not received growing up so this is a projection. I think he had poor boundaries by sharing this too soon, so this will really get you two too close way too fast) He then told me at one point that he had a mass in his brain that needed removed and was going into surgery. (Sorry to hear, hopefully everything gets take care of and that everything goes well) I was so scared for him, but he made it through and all was well. Someone was actually present in my life in a way that no one had been before and I was there for him in a way no one had been for him as well. (In this case it was very easy for the both of you to get close because there was no boundaries on either side, plus some past hurt you two have, and then you both will feel like no one has ever been there for the both of you) Someone actually looked forward to talking to me and wanted to learn more about me and I didn't want to lose that nor did I not want to be there for him so I did the unthinkable...
Yes, I lied about my age. To this day I honestly don't know why I did that and I know there is no excuse for it. I just knew that I didn't want to lose him. I told him I was 23. (I can understand why you would do this, its something i wouldn't advise, however i can see you felt this fear of losing someone who became important to you.) Just saying that makes me sick to my stomach, but I did. I can sit here and give all of the reasons why at the time I did this...I was lonely, I grew feelings for him, he made me feel special, he was kind and funny and we had so many similar interests, for the first time in my life I felt like I was enough and he felt like home, but not one of these excuses justify what I did and I know that. (I could see you have really beat yourself up about this, it seems like its quite a challenge for you to find forgiveness within you. I can tell that lying about your age wasn't an easy decision to make, and you were afraid he wouldn't accept for who you are as a person. I think that at times people tend to be driven by fear when what they have inside is enough. I know it hurts that you told him that, but its also important to have self compassion and understading of what lead you to do this)
6 months into our relationship, he called me in tears and told me that all of the things he told me about his homelife and the brain mass were not true. (I can understand why he would go this far as to lie, since he also felt fearful and other things, but with health is something thats very delicate and should definetly be more transparency) He said he didn't know why he did it but that he was sorry and felt like he needed to come clean. (The good thing is that he is showing remorse and guilt, which shows he cares about you) This would have been the perfect time for me to come clean with him, but fear of losing him came to the forefront and I didn't. I regret that now, (I can tell that fear of abandonment and fear of losing this place belonging must had been really challenging to tell him the truth about your age) because I have wasted 2 years of his life. (You didn't waste 2 years of his life, you brought great things into his life. Yes you didn't tell him the correct age, but it doesn't take away all you have done for him) I forgave him for lying to me 1, because I was lying to him, 2, because I explained it away in my head that he was lonely as well and young and was in need of attention and 3, because he was so sincere in his apology. I know this all sounds so dramatic and immature, but the feelings we both had in this were real even though the lies were present. (There's probably a deeper issue in everything that he said, but its amazing you were able to show empathy and understanding for his situation)
The last year and a half was so good. We talked on the phone every night for hours until we fell asleep, even though we weren't together physically, we were together emotionally and that was enough for us. It got to a point though that I knew lying to him was no longer okay, because I did fall in love with him and he deserved the truth. I remember saying to myself, "Ok I'm going to tell him" and then I would say "Just one more day...I need just one more magical day with him" and each day eventually turned into a year and a half. (I could imagine how paralyzing the fear of losing him must had felt. I can see you did the best you could tell him, but the fear of losing this place of belonging was definetly very scary) I just didn't want to lose him even though I knew I basically never really had him, because the person he thought he was with was not me...All of the things we talked about, our fears, hopes, dreams, interests all of that was real, but he thought it was coming from someone his age and that wasn't ok...
I finally just got to the point where I couldn't lie to him any longer, because I loved him too much to continue being selfish...so I told him 2 nights ago...He was shocked and hurt and disgusted and everything else you can imagine...but he wasn't mean about it. All I could do was explain where I was coming from and let him know that it didn't matter why I did it because I did it and there was no good excuse for it. (You did good in telling him, it must had taken a lot of courage to fight your fear of losing him. You were very honest in everything you told him, and this also show you care and love him) I just kept expressing how sorry I was and that I would carry this guilt and heartache for hurting him with me for the rest of my life,. I didn't go into this with any intent of hurting him on purpose even though now that almost sounds impossible, but I honestly had no malous intentions when this started. (You definetly didn't do this out of malice or ill intent. I feel you did all of this out of fear of losing him, but despite all of this you were there for him and you didn't lie about who you are as a person) He said it could never work because my family wouldn't accept it and his family would definitely not accept it and I totally get that. (This is a sign he values more the opinion of his family than anything else, and would be willing to go along with what they want just to please them) He said they would be disgusted and he himself was kind of digusted by it, (I can understand he felt disappointed and hurt about this, but feeling disgusted is going overboard) but immediately apologized for being blunt about it but that it was the truth. He said that I wasted 2 years of his life and that had I just come clean when he did we could have maybe at least continued as friends. (He lied about his health (got you really worried and knew about this), his family (you tried to help him, and he knew about this), and about other things, but he can't forgive this one thing?. You were understanding and empathetic when his lies was hugeeee, but now he is rude and disrespectful when you expressed yourself.) I could be his mom for God's sake. He said, "I thought you were the one...I thought I had finally found the girl of my dreams...I loved you with everything in me." That broke my heart, because even though our relationship was built on lies, the emotion and the love that grew between us was real. I honestly can't imagine anyone holding a candle to him. The way he spoke to me, how kind and patient he was, how much he made me laugh and all the beautiful things about him that I grew to love...I know I will always compare anyone new to him and I fear that they just won't be what he was to me. (I can understand why you would feel this way, you two developed a strong connection and bond, so its normal you would think this way)
I know that this is my penance for what I have done, but it still hurts and I am still feeling so broken. (It was really rough what he said, and how things ended between the two of you) I pray every night that God will take away the pain that I have caused him and that he finds someone that deserves him...my heart is so completely broken and I am so angry and ashamed of myself...The pain is tangible... (It's like i mentioned he is allowed to feel hurt and disappointed, but the word "disgust" and everything he said was unneccesary because its something you didn't cause on him. I could see why you would feel the way you do since you didn't tell him the truth, but he also lied and his lies were actually way worst. Yes he come clean about them, but it doesn't take away how you tried so hard to help him and was probably worried the for weeks, while he kept lying. Lying about health is a very delicate situation, you showed empathy and understanding while he said mean things when you were honest. A lot of the hurt he is feeling is because he projected all of these unmet needs, and his past trauma, not about the age part)
@freshLight64 Thank you so much for the kind words and the non-judgement. Your kind words brought me to tears, because you made me feel like less of the monster that I feel I am. I know that some of his words to me sounded harsh, but I can't blame him for feeling those things. He had plans for us and wanted so much for us and in one night I tore all of those dreams to shreds so in a way I deserved to hear how he was feeling. I did tell him at one point that I could understand if he hated me and he said he didn't hate me...he doesn't hate anyone but his shock and pain pushed him towards ending things and I understand that. The hard part is that I truly wish that love could conquer all, but I just don't think it will. I know that the love that grew between us despite the lies was true and real. How can those feelings just be done for him now? It is going to take a very long time for me to get over him (if I ever do) and that has be feeling broken and even lonelier than I felt before I met him. I just wish I knew that he was ok and that he truly knows in his heart that I do love him with every ounce of my being...I guess only time will tell...thanks again for your kind words and insight. It really made me feel like I wasn't such a horrible human being...Huge Hugs to you!!
@brightAvocado3528
Your kind words brought me to tears, because you made me feel like less of the monster that I feel I am. (I'm glad they made you feel better because you are not a monster at all. I understand you feel a lot of shame for the lie, but it was never out of malice. You seem like a caring, loving and amazing person) I know that some of his words to me sounded harsh, but I can't blame him for feeling those things. (I feel like he projected heavily unmet needs on you, and he viewed you as this dream woman who will save him for himself and his issues (not your fault because people like him tend to idealize and fantasize in a partner), so its the main reason he reacted this harsh. I can understand he felt hurt, sad and disappointed, but not to the point of how he felt) He had plans for us and wanted so much for us and in one night I tore all of those dreams to shreds so in a way I deserved to hear how he was feeling. (I could see why you would feel this way after the things he said, but he really showed a lot of how he is as a person with how he behave. Its his right to forgive or not, but if he didn't put the connection and bond above the lie then it wouldn't have work out with him. I feel like his family controls him, so it would have lead to bad things either way) I did tell him at one point that I could understand if he hated me and he said he didn't hate me...he doesn't hate anyone but his shock and pain pushed him towards ending things and I understand that. (One thing I would like to point out is that his reaction are also part of a past trigger, which is why he behave that way as well, so it not all about what you did) The hard part is that I truly wish that love could conquer all, but I just don't think it will. I know that the love that grew between us despite the lies was true and real. How can those feelings just be done for him now? (I can see why you would ask this after what he said, but feelings don't go away this quickly) It is going to take a very long time for me to get over him (if I ever do) (Thats okay, takes your time to mourn over this relationship.) and that has be feeling broken and even lonelier than I felt before I met him. (Feeling broken and lonely are two of the most scary feelings to go through, but this a great opportunity to start adressing those with a therapist so slowly you begin to feel enough and that you belong in this world) I just wish I knew that he was ok and that he truly knows in his heart that I do love him with every ounce of my being...I guess only time will tell...thanks again for your kind words and insight. It really made me feel like I wasn't such a horrible human being...(You are welcome, and you are not a horrible human being. You are someone who loves him so much that felt fear of losing him, but this doesn't make you a horrible human being)Huge Hugs to you!! (Huge hugs to you back)
@freshLight64 Well it's day 4 with no word from him. I mean I didn't expect it, but part of me was hoping he would reach out. The last thing he said to me that night when we said good-bye was that he hoped I could get help for my issues...Yes I guess I have many issues that I need to work on. But I can't get past this ache from missing him so so much. God I miss him so badly...his laugh, his voice, the way we joked around with eachother...I just miss him so much. We shared a spotify that he hasn't taken me off of, however he deleted all of the playlists we had together. Sometimes it pops up on my phone what he's listening to and they have been a mix of emotional type songs...some angry, some sad, some hopeful, but I don't want to read too much into that...I did run across a song that perfectly fits where I'm at right now. I'll share it here if that's ok...
"Fossa"
I said too much, said the wrong thing
Remembering the image I was trying to project to you
Cast an illusion, think I'm losing my head
Sometimes I feel
Be what you want, I can be what you want
Be what you want, I can't be what you want
Be what you want, I can be what you want
Be what you want, I can't be what you want
I don't know you now
But I'm lying here, somehow
I feel sick
You're drowning in the pit of my stomach
Oh I know it's my fault
While you're busy diving down I find I feel alone (I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel fine)
Feel a little out of my mind (I feel fine, I feel fine, I feel fine)
Oh I'm stuck, I've said too much
I'm going, mad
Checking checking, waiting waiting
For some kind of response from you
Let me know
I haven't opened up
The floodgates again, to another man
Who controls the pain but never says anything
Anything
Anything
I don't owe you much
But I miss you so
I'll miss him
I feel sick
You're drowning in the pit of my stomach
You don't know that I'm caught
Thinking you remind me of someone I can face no more
I've gotta get him out of my mind
While you're busy diving down
I find I feel alone
I feel alone
I've gotta get him out of mind
While you're busy diving down
I find I feel alone
I feel alone
I feel alone
I just feel so lost without him. Like a part of my soul has been ripped away from me and I am 1/2 the person i was when we were ok. 
@brightAvocado3528
Well it's day 4 with no word from him. (I could only image the amount of separation anxiety and guilt you must be feeling throughout these 4 days) I mean I didn't expect it, but part of me was hoping he would reach out. (I feel its normal to have this hope of the other person reaching out, it makes you feel sad and this strong urge of logging when he hasn't) The last thing he said to me that night when we said good-bye was that he hoped I could get help for my issues...(I can understand he felt hurt and disappointed about the situation, but it didn't give him the right to say this to you. He felt hurt, and he decided to inflict hurt on you to feel better. This tells me he is emotionally immature, and stuck at a certain age without growth) Yes I guess I have many issues that I need to work on. (He also have issues to work on as well) But I can't get past this ache from missing him so so much. (I can definetly relate to how this feels, its something in your chest that doesn't seem to turn off, like a hole in your chest. It's tough because perhaps you tried everything to turn it off, but this longging and missing increases each day) God I miss him so badly...his laugh, his voice, the way we joked around with eachother...I just miss him so much. (This is completly normal and understandable, you shared a strong connection with him and during this breakup it tends to really make you miss those parts about him) We shared a spotify that he hasn't taken me off of, however he deleted all of the playlists we had together. (This is someone who is feeling a lot of anger (10% about the situation, 90% about his past issues and attachment trauma), however this has less to do with you than you think) Sometimes it pops up on my phone what he's listening to and they have been a mix of emotional type songs...some angry, some sad, some hopeful, but I don't want to read too much into that...(I could see why you would be reading into this, its like looking for this cetainty of how he is feeling) I did run across a song that perfectly fits where I'm at right now. I'll share it here if that's ok...(It's definetly okay, i read the lyrics, and i could definetly see you are going through so much hurt, pain, sadness, anxiety and missing him so much. I want to reassure you that you are not going crazy, this is part of attachment and those feelings come up when theres a breakup)
I just feel so lost without him. Like a part of my soul has been ripped away from me and I am 1/2 the person i was when we were ok. (He is an important person for you, theres a lot of history together, a lot of memories, and a lot of others things, so i could see why you would feel lost without him. One thing I would like to point out is that you were completed with him, when it should have been being complete with or without him, so theres some projection of unmet needs here)
@freshLight64 Yes I know I need to be complete with or without him but right now I feel like a shell of what I was with him in my life. I'm fighting the urge to message him so I can give him the space he needs...but I so badly want to contact him...
@brightAvocado3528
Those urges of wanting to contact him can definetly be overwhelming because of the amount of pain and hurt you are feeling, and I can see why you would have this need to contact him. You did tell him this "I told him that I would deactivate my account that we met on and everything else, but that I would always be a text or phone call away if he should ever need anything", and remember he was harsh towards you on the last conversation. I understand you miss him, but self-respect is important, and there's a chance he will be hostile if you reach out.
@freshLight64 I should have listened to you but the need to reach out and let him know I was worried about him and letting him know how I felt was overwhelming. I texted him the following this morning:
"I have been trying to give you the space you need to make sense of everything that has happened and even though you may not believe it, I do care about you and am worried about you. I know you don't want to hear from me and that's understandable, but I miss you. I just can't imagine you not in my life any longer. You were my best friend aside from everything else and I miss that, because you felt like home to me...I have prayed for your peace every night and I will continue to do that for the rest of my life. I am sorry for hurting you. I hope one day you will be able to forgive me and know in your heart that I didn't set out to hurt you...it was the fear of losing you in my life even as just a friend that I held on to..."
He read the message about 2 hours later and never gave a response. I let myself think that because he'd made a new playlist in our spotify account we shared of all of these sad songs about "still loving the person who broke his heart" read into that and I just wanted to reassure him that I was still here and still cared, but now I think I've made it worse by reaching out. I just wish I knew where he was in his heart and in his mind. I miss him so much that I can feel my heart breaking with each breath I take. Where am I supposed to go from here? I just can't imagine him not being in my life ever again...I'm so broken...
@brightAvocado3528
I should have listened to you but the need to reach out and let him know I was worried about him and letting him know how I felt was overwhelming. (I can see you felt a lot of emotions into one, and it definetly wasn't easy to cope which lead you to reaching out. I want you to really know that is understandable what you did, we all have gone through thoughts of reaching out during these times, and you felt like you needed to do this.) I texted him the following this morning:
"I have been trying to give you the space you need to make sense of everything that has happened and even though you may not believe it, I do care about you and am worried about you. I know you don't want to hear from me and that's understandable, but I miss you. I just can't imagine you not in my life any longer. You were my best friend aside from everything else and I miss that, because you felt like home to me...I have prayed for your peace every night and I will continue to do that for the rest of my life. I am sorry for hurting you. I hope one day you will be able to forgive me and know in your heart that I didn't set out to hurt you...it was the fear of losing you in my life even as just a friend that I held on to..." (This is a very sweet, kind, and loving message you sent to him. I can see how much you are hurting and how much you want to let him know that you are truly sorry for what happened. Feeling unbearable guilt can be one of the most painful things to experience, its can be so hard to shut down those feelings. I would like to point out that he also hurt you with his lies and the harsh comments he told you. I feel like you are carrying heavily the responsability for things ending, when in reality what he did was actually worst and you showed the empathy he didn't show you)
He read the message about 2 hours later and never gave a response. (Thats awful....you must be feeling ignored, hurt and neglected after you expressing how you truly felt inside.) I let myself think that because he'd made a new playlist in our spotify account we shared of all of these sad songs about "still loving the person who broke his heart" read into that and I just wanted to reassure him that I was still here and still cared, but now I think I've made it worse by reaching out. (I understand you wanted to be there for him and let him know you care, but the most important thing here is that you were brave enough to express how you felt and it really shows how much you care about him. It's just unfortunate he is too angry to see your effort and feelings.) I just wish I knew where he was in his heart and in his mind. I miss him so much that I can feel my heart breaking with each breath I take. Where am I supposed to go from here? (I feel its normal to have this need to know what the other person is thinking on order to know which action to take and if they are feeling the same way as we do. It really hurts how things ended and you are going through a lot right now, but its important to not reach out first again. Your feelings and heart need to be protected, specially if he is going to be ignoring your attempts) I just can't imagine him not being in my life ever again...I'm so broken... (It's understandable you would feel this way, he is an important part of your life and you felt a strong connection with him. Healing will take some time, but you will get there)
It's terrible when we know that we broke it. I broke my marriage and am still struggling to try and fix it. It's been years now. I feel for you.
@pluckyBranch4306 It really is isn't it? Knowing how badly I screwed up and knowing there is nothing I can do to repair it is so hard. Knowing I am the cause for his pain and not being able to make it right hurts more than words can say. I guess I know I deserve this as what I did is unforgiveable. But man it hurts so bad. I would have never intentionally done anything to hurt him, but my selfish actions hurt him anyway. He was my world and knowing that I've ruined it is so hopeless feeling. I worry that anyone new won't even compare to him and what he was for me. No one will be him and that is heartbreaking. Thanks for your reply and I am so sorry for your situation as well. Hugs!!
@brightAvocado3528
All any of us can do is move forward. I know that's so difficult, but we have to keep moving forward.
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you the best.
I guys!! First I just want to thank you all for your support and understanding. It means the world to me and I feel just a little less alone.
Well he messaged me after a couple of weeks. I need you guys to give me some input on what to think if you could. Keep in mind that today would have been our 2 year anniversay. This is what he said:
So here's what I'm going to say. I needed some time to get myself together. It's super hard for me for the last couple weeks trying to forget everything we had...most of the things I did on the regular reminded me small things about you...it's been hard still kinda is...I'm just trying to recover and it hurts right now typing to you cause of today...but I'm glad you told me everything cause now I can start again...I just want you to know I don't hate you. I'm just broken right now but I'm getting better with it so...hope you have a good day...
This is what I responded:
I didn't want to make things worse for you than I already have so I've tried to stay away and give you the distance you needed. I truly never meant to hurt you and I know that may be hard to believe, but despite all of it, everything I said to you about my feelings was 100% true. The person you got to know emotionally is still me. The person I am and the way I care about the people that matter to me is still me. All I want is your happiness and if that means me being completely out of your life or you out of mine, then I will have to live with that. I'm sorry I caused you pain I really truly am. I won't bother you anymore if that's what you want. I just hope you know that I do care about you and will always be here if you need anything. But it's your call if you want me to stay away. I will respect that. All I ask is that you let me know if you want me to stay away. I would hate to not remain friends with you because despite everything you were one of my best friends and I'd like to think I was one of yours but if I'm wrong please just let me know so I can move forward.
All he responded after that was: Idk right now just don't know.
So what should I think? Is it a lost cause? Do you think he wants nothing to do with me now that he's said what he's had to say? I am so lost without him and miss him so much...
@brightAvocado3528
His messages means he is attached to you and definetly was thinking about you, so it was definetly a positive reply. There's something I would like to point out about your reply that I noticed. I can understand why you would say this since you are feeling a lot of guilt, hurt and pain because of how things went down between the two of you, but what I will point on bold/italics can come across as overwhelming and smothering to him.
"I won't bother you anymore if thats what you want", "But if your call if you want me to stay away, I will respect that", "All i ask is that you let me know if you want me to stay away", "Let me know so i can move forward", "All I want is your happiness and if that means me being completely out of your life or you out of mine, then I will have to live with that."
I feel like you have tell him all of those things already, and it feels like you are trying too hard and looking for reaction. I remember you told him something similar to this during the previous conversation, and you ended up reaching out. I think saying all of those things I pointed out are too much, and it can definetly put a lot of pressure on him. This doesn't mean you should reach out to him to apologize, it just means to avoid saying those kind of lines during the interactions between the two of you.
I also noticed the message was filled with anxiety, and this eagerness to gain validation and love from him. There's nothing to prove to him anymore, you told him your truth and he already knows about it. It's very important to keep your level of interest lower than him when he send those kind of messages because if you show more interest and write more apologies or what i pointed in bold/italics then its going to push him away.
@freshLight64 yes you're absolutely right thank you so much. I will definitely try and stop doing that. I've said it and that's enough now. But in his message to me, does it seem like he may consider even just being friends in the future? My first thought is that if he didn't want anything to do with me, he wouldnt have messaged at all right? Or am I just over thinking it?
@brightAvocado3528
It's hard to say based on his response, but I can tell you want more than just being friends with him. I do feel like you are willing to settle for anything to not lose him in your life and to not feel the hurt you are feeling at the moment.
@freshLight64 Yes I really do love him so much and would love nothing more than to fix us. I'm truly pathetic aren't i?? This pain is just so awful and I wish it would stop...
@brightAvocado3528
You are not pathetic at all, and the pain/hurt you are feeling are probably something that seems to be impacting you very heavily. I feel it's normal you would want to fix things, but being friends with him would be being unatural and manipulative.
@freshLight64 thanks so much fresh light. I just dont knownwhat to do from here...😢
@brightAvocado3528
You are welcome. Love , validation, sense of worth, happiness,s esteem, needs being met and validation came from him, so this is gaining everything externally. This has to come from within first, and then others will join in and you would come from a place of being complete. I feel that you have to find those internally (it will take awhile), and not externally.
Well guys...I've come to the realization that we are probably never going to be able to be in each others lives after what happened. As heart breaking as that is for me, I have to move on and try to let him go. I was asked out on a date by a really nice guy, and we are going to dinner and a movie tomorrow night. I'm extremely nervous, and I'm really trying hard to push away the sadness that this nice guy isn't my ex, but im going to try and have a good time and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Is it weird that part of me feels like I'm betraying my ex by going on this date? I keep thinking if the situation were reversed, I know I'd be devastated. But I also know I'm not doing anything wrong...these are the ridiculous struggles I currently have going on in my head...should i even be going out on a date this soon?? Your advuce would be greatly appreciated!! XOXOXO 🤗🤗
Well I have an update...
So after about a month and an half, I decided to write my ex a letter. The letter was basically a way to say everything I needed to say about our whole situation. My faults, his faults and at the end I thanked him for the lessons I took away from our relationship. I owned my part in the destruction of our relationship, but I also stated that I wasn't the only one to blame, but regardless I just needed him to hear everything I needed to say that I wasn't able to say when we broke up.
3 days letter he text me and said the following:
So I read your letter and I know you did not mean to hurt me. And maybe I said a couple things that could've hurt. I want you to know that I wouldn't mind us being friends but it still kinda hurts just thinking about you. I am getting better now then before. I want to continue our friendship for sure.
I told him I was glad he felt that way and that I know it'll be kind of a work in progress, but I also know that it could be a really great friendship if we take the time to get thru the harder parts of it all. I told him we could take it slow and ease our way back into a friendship and he said, "Yeah for sure."
Now I'm not sure how to proceed. I know I don't want to lose him in my life. But I don't want to be too pushy or needy either.
