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brightAvocado3528
1,934 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 63 Compassion hearts60 Forum posts64 Forum upvotes75 Current upvotes75 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2024 Member sinceMay 29, 2019
Bio
Not sure who I am anymore...but definitely need to figure it out. Will do anything for anyone, but when it comes to myself...well let's just say that when I've tried I have failed...
Recent forum posts
Here's the thing about love...
Relationship Stress / by brightAvocado3528
Last post
 August 28th, 2019
...See more I know in my heart of hearts i found the one. The perfect man for me...but it didn't work out because of things we both did. Regardless we stayed friends and that truly was enough for me, because despite it not working out for us, I couldn't imagine him not in my life. He is now moving on, and as much as it hurts my heart, I truly want him to be happy. I love him so much that his happiness means everything to me. I want him to live happily ever after and if that is not with me by his side that is ok with me, because his happiness means everything to me. Love is selfless and pure and honest. I will pray for his happiness every single day of my life. And maybe one day...I'll be happy as well...
We decided to try and stay friends, but it doesn't feel that way...
Relationship Stress / by brightAvocado3528
Last post
 August 22nd, 2019
...See more So my ex and I ended things, because we both lied to eachother. I forgave him for his lies, but just told him my truth and we didn't talk for a little over a month. I wrote him a letter, not sure if it was a goodbye letter or just to say all the things I needed to say that I wasn't able to when we broke up so that I could have closure. I ended the letter stating that I needed to know where he stood after reading everything that I put down on paper and see if there was a possibility of staying friends. He texted me a few days later stating that he was still in pain after what happened, but felt better than when we first broke up and would like to continue our friendship for sure. We've texted here and there, nothing meaningful or intimate...just the normal how was your day stuff. The last text conversation we had was a couple of days ago. He had told me he had gotten sick with a cold and fell asleep. I told him not to worry that he needed his rest and I hoped he felt better. He didn't even read it and obviously hasn't responded. I am in a place where I miss him terribly, but I also know my worth, so I won't keep bothering him if he doesn't want to talk to me, but it still doesn't feel good. I guess I'm struggling with the fact that it feels like I don't mean anything to him any longer and that is a hard pill to swallow when he means so much to me.
Closing the Chapter to Our Story...
Relationship Stress / by brightAvocado3528
Last post
 June 25th, 2019
...See more Dear A, It's been several weeks since we broke up. I know what I did to cause that and I have said my sorry's. I will always be so sorry for what I did and will always regret what I did as I never meant to hurt you, but I now have to forgive myself and work on my imporvement. I have to learn from the lesson's that our relationship taught me and where I went wrong. I will always hold a special place in my heart for you, because you taught me how to love and how to be loved. You showed me what it was like to be enough. I will always compare anyone new to you, because you showed me the type of love I want and the type of love I deserve. I wish you nothing but happiness. You deserve it and I hope you find the person that deserves you, because you are as close to perfect as anyone could get. I will always love you A...always and forever...but now I have to close the chapter to our story...
Broken and I caused it...still broken none the less...
Relationship Stress / by brightAvocado3528
Last post
 July 15th, 2019
...See more Hi everyone: So first off let me just start by saying that I take full responsibility for my actions and I am completely beating myself up over it, so I'm hoping that as dispicable as my actions were, understand that no one is beating me up worse than I already am. This will be extremely long so I apologize in advance and thank you for taking the time to read my story. All thoughts and advice are welcome...I am just afraid of being judged although I know I deserve it. My story starts almost 2 years ago when I was in an online chat and met him. He invited me to chat with him and some friends that were also online at the time and so I did. He seemed very nice and was very funny, so were his friends. They were all so accepting and warm and at the time I really needed to feel like I was a part of something. The emptyness loneliness I was feeling at the time was weighing heavy on my heart. After a few weeks of chatting with everyone he had opened up to me one on one about some things he said he was going thru. He was getting ready to turn 21 and I was 43 at the time so in my mind I never thought it would go anywhere because of our age difference, that wasn't even a thought in my mind. I just enjoyed their company and it was an escape from my lonely existence. Anyway he told me that he was in a really bad situation at home, his parents were abusive with him, his dad was a drinker and his mom was too afraid to do anything about the abuse they were victims of. He also said that he would not leave her because he was afraid of what his dad might do even though she didn't treat him well either and he felt stuck. My heart immediately went out to him. I tried to offer suggestions or help and was available to him whenever he needed to vent, cry or just be distracted from what was going on at home. We were both so caught up in what he was going thru that my age was never questioned, but after a few months, feelings started to develope on both sides. At this point I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and that someone needed me. He then told me at one point that he had a mass in his brain that needed removed and was going into surgery. I was so scared for him, but he made it through and all was well. Someone was actually present in my life in a way that no one had been before and I was there for him in a way no one had been for him as well. Someone actually looked forward to talking to me and wanted to learn more about me and I didn't want to lose that nor did I not want to be there for him so I did the unthinkable... Yes, I lied about my age. To this day I honestly don't know why I did that and I know there is no excuse for it. I just knew that I didn't want to lose him. I told him I was 23. Just saying that makes me sick to my stomach, but I did. I can sit here and give all of the reasons why at the time I did this...I was lonely, I grew feelings for him, he made me feel special, he was kind and funny and we had so many similar interests, for the first time in my life I felt like I was enough and he felt like home, but not one of these excuses justify what I did and I know that. 6 months into our relationship, he called me in tears and told me that all of the things he told me about his homelife and the brain mass were not true. He said he didn't know why he did it but that he was sorry and felt like he needed to come clean. This would have been the perfect time for me to come clean with him, but fear of losing him came to the forefront and I didn't. I regret that now, because I have wasted 2 years of his life. I forgave him for lying to me 1, because I was lying to him, 2, because I explained it away in my head that he was lonely as well and young and was in need of attention and 3, because he was so sincere in his apology. I know this all sounds so dramatic and immature, but the feelings we both had in this were real even though the lies were present. The last year and a half was so good. We talked on the phone every night for hours until we fell asleep, even though we weren't together physically, we were together emotionally and that was enough for us. It got to a point though that I knew lying to him was no longer okay, because I did fall in love with him and he deserved the truth. I remember saying to myself, "Ok I'm going to tell him" and then I would say "Just one more day...I need just one more magical day with him" and each day eventually turned into a year and a half. I just didn't want to lose him even though I knew I basically never really had him, because the person he thought he was with was not me...All of the things we talked about, our fears, hopes, dreams, interests all of that was real, but he thought it was coming from someone his age and that wasn't ok... I finally just got to the point where I couldn't lie to him any longer, because I loved him too much to continue being selfish...so I told him 2 nights ago...He was shocked and hurt and disgusted and everything else you can imagine...but he wasn't mean about it. All I could do was explain where I was coming from and let him know that it didn't matter why I did it because I did it and there was no good excuse for it. I just kept expressing how sorry I was and that I would carry this guilt and heartache for hurting him with me for the rest of my life,. I didn't go into this with any intent of hurting him on purpose even though now that almost sounds impossible, but I honestly had no malous intentions when this started. He said it could never work because my family wouldn't accept it and his family would definitely not accept it and I totally get that. He said they would be disgusted and he himself was kind of digusted by it, but immediately apologized for being blunt about it but that it was the truth. He said that I wasted 2 years of his life and that had I just come clean when he did we could have maybe at least continued as friends. I could be his mom for God's sake. He said, "I thought you were the one...I thought I had finally found the girl of my dreams...I loved you with everything in me." That broke my heart, because even though our relationship was built on lies, the emotion and the love that grew between us was real. I honestly can't imagine anyone holding a candle to him. The way he spoke to me, how kind and patient he was, how much he made me laugh and all the beautiful things about him that I grew to love...I know I will always compare anyone new to him and I fear that they just won't be what he was to me. I told him that I would deactivate my account that we met on and everything else, but that I would always be a text or phone call away if he should ever need anything and he said that was fair. We said goodbye and that was it...he was gone... I know that this is my penance for what I have done, but it still hurts and I am still feeling so broken. I pray every night that God will take away the pain that I have caused him and that he finds someone that deserves him...my heart is so completely broken and I am so angry and ashamed of myself...The pain is tangible... Thanks for listening...
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