Break up of long term relationship
I dont know where to start. Just made account here couple of hours ago.I guess i just need somebody to listen to me since it seems i have nobody to talk to about what i am going through. I feel completely hearbroken and sad. He told me its not a big deal and its end of the world,this break up, tht this is for the better, that people divorce after 20 or 30 yeara and i am still amazed by his actions and coldness. I guess maybe i didnt know him that well after all. I ve been in a commited, long term relationship for the last 12 years. There were some ups and downs as in every relationship and lately we ve had some problems, actually a year ago, but i thought we were doing better. I thought things are going back to old us, and it felt like that till his audden break up, and more because of that i think all of this caught me off guard completely. I feel like somebody just pushed me off the cliff. We were not officialy married and we dont have kids but whole our life, appartment, work, friends is some thing we built togenther over the years. I am having hard time coping with the break up. I feel as a failed person on so many levels. I feel empty. When i look back it seems i didnt do anything right, i thought i was but what he did and told me it seems i was living in some bubble so now i am wonderimg did i knew him or us and where did these 12 yeara go if i had no idea about anything he said. The break up was sudden now even more then it would be an year ago. We fell in the routine last year and we felt stuck, but then we were working on ityor at least i thought, and i could or thought u could see the progres, i felt good. I was back to being happy with us and him... and though we had problems, some were bigger some typical couple stuff i find it difficult to understand his reasons right now .I ve spent days in not beeing able to move,sleep or eat. I feel physical and emotional pain, and i dont know how to cope with that. more so because od hia coldness,words that didnt match the reality i thought we had right now.That Day he took me to lunch we talked about work plans and in the evening he sat me down and told me that he doesnt love me anymore at all and he doesnt see me anymore as a lover but only as a friend and he cant go on he told me bunch of other stuff too. I just listened. And i guess in all this situation what is so puzuling and not being able for me to understand is why now? That what he said would have had more sense year ago and now it just doesnt make sense. I feel disappointed, sad, empty, i feel like i dont have anything to hope for anymore,6 months ago we wwrw taking about some work plans and getting married officially. He told me about some fresh starts nowbut i dont see anything anymore, i dont thibk i d be ready for a fresh start for a long time, because if i was that blind not to see that this last year was not better as i thoughts maybe i dont deserve better.maybe i am better of alone. Everything i thought u knew and had i didnt. Basically after hearing him i wonder if i had any idea with Who i am loving. I am 36 and i guess nothing that i thought, hoped and dreamed will come true. We have business togenther and he told me some details how he see it and i am just amazed by how much detail he went i to it. I thibk he stopped loving me last year but then why this prolongation, maybe he just tpok this time to resolve in his had how to go on with work and other stuff. .i guess i ll never get my answers to many why's i have. I dont even want to talk about it with him. I think i am just trying right now to pick myself up but i Find it to be extremely difficult. I wish i d have some button as he did and just turn off everything but its just impossible for me.i dont even have to talk about that with anybody as most Of my friends that are not both his and mine friends, are in other states and i am not that close to my own family to share these details. I spend most of the day just wondering about my life, choices and am i that blind not to see things properly.
Thanks to anybody who reads this.
I’m so sorry that you are going through that! I know it can be hard, because in those moments we feel like everything we’ve built was for nothing, but that it’s not true. You invested in something that you’ve believed that it’s gonna work, you loved him and you were interested in fixing your relationship and that showes that you are a beautiful person, caring, loving and i am sure that a beautiful person like you will find happiness by it’s own and maybe who knows, you may meet someone else in the future. I can’t possible understand your pain, but what i want to say is that although i don’t understand it i am here for you. You will go through this pain and you will come out stronger. Big hug and i wish you the best! God bless you!🤗🤗
@MrProsper hello my name is Sandra am from united state I'm a single lady never married I need a real and serious man to spent my eternity with. Here is my number +1(412) 453-8456
Hi sandra, i really appreciate your offer, but i’m afraid i have to decline it. I am happily married. But i’m sure you will find a great person to spend your life with. It seems like you are a committed person who is looking for something real, something strong, durable. And i’m sure that God will provide you just the person you are looking for. There are good people out there, just keep praying and you will find it. Stay strong and be blessed!
Thank you, many thank you for reading and listening to me.it means so much to say out loud, actually write down finally how i feel and even so to share it with somebody else then myself, i appreciate so much your words. Thank you.
Hi! It must be hard for you. I experienced sudden break up almost two months ago and it is indeed painful. He told me the same, he didn’t see me as a girlfriend anymore. It’s sad for me for the past 2 months since he also said about marriage before. If you wanna talk to me, you can reach me anytime. I know everyone has their own pain and stories, but definitely you are not alone :)
@raraxiao just wanted to say thanks i appreciate so much your answer and thanks for giving me the oppportunity to talk to somebody.Other then myself.Yes he told me all that too.And it was really sudden right now because it seems i was living on the other planet then him.For now i am just trying to pick myself up,because seems like all the things colided for me in the same time,and this sudden break up was the cherry on the top as they say.I guess I just didn't see it coming so it makes it all even more difficult.I am supposed to talk to him next week about how to seperate somethings-we have even business together,but seems like he has all figured it out before.In anycase thank you so much for your answer,it really means a lot because right now i basically have nobody to talk to and to those that i do,they seem to think all this is silly since we were not married but we had everythings together so far so for me this is like a divorce -we basically built everything together in the last decade.I am still amazed by his coldness and the things he said.But i am trying at least to get back to some kind of normality.Thank you so much for answering me,i appreciate it very much.
I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup, I can relate, I’m 36 and going through a breakup after 9 years together. Things weren’t perfect but I didn’t think he would actually break up with me, but he did. At first, the breakup was extremely painful for me, and 6 months post-breakup, I’m still sad and miss him so much but doing better than before. It sucks and all I can say is hang in there. Something my therapist keeps telling me is that grief is a process and that it’s important to feel all the feelings and to be patient with yourself. I’m sending you so much love and positive vibes, I hope you’re doing even a little bit better.
@resourcefulOwl7361 can we text chat ? Here is my number +1(412) 453-8456 I will looking forward to hear back from you
Thanks for your lovely words, i appreciate it very much. I guess i am still trying to pick myself up. Am still quite under shock by his actions, coldness and how calculated he was/is.I keep wondering with whome i was living and where all these years. The worst thing is that i didnt see it coming at all. Am still coming to terms what next. We share a business together so am concentrating how to protect myself since he has all figure out way before. So i guess thats start or restart for me. Thanks.
It’s so hard trying to move on when you still love the person, it’s probably one of the hardest things to ever go through in life. If you can, try to get therapy or counseling to help you get through it. Remember to take it one day at a time and that you don’t need to figure it out all at once. Also, you might not feel like it, but eventually you can try to get excited about your new start. I don’t know about you, but after being with my ex for 9+ years, I lost sense of who I was and in the process of rediscovering myself. Wishing you all the best!
@resourcefulOwl7361 oh yes i feel exactly like that,as you mentioned-as i lost myself in that relationship and lost sense of who i was, and i centered my life around him much more then i should have, now i see that. And now i am on the path of rediscovering myself or am trying to set myself on that path.Once again thanks for your words ,appreciate it very much.
It’s so easy to center your life around the person you love and it happened without me even realizing it! I’m realizing now how much I relied on my ex and probably ended up putting way too much pressure on him (I’m definitely not taking the blame for the relationship ending because he did stuff wrong too) but I know that moving forward, I need to grow myself as an individual. Sometimes I still hope that my ex and I get back together but I want to be ok no matter what happens. Anyway thanks for sharing your story and feel free to reach out anytime. I don’t think there’s a way to direct message so just reply to this thread whenever you need to talk!
@resourcefulOwl7361 thanks ,i appreciate it very much.I really do.This week has been very difficult for me in terms that we needed to discuss things regarding our business.I prefer not to see him or to see him and communicate wiht him as little as possible,but due to unresolved issues regarding work and apartment i need still to be in contact with him.I have also returned to work finally and that felt good actually.We dont work togethre,well we used to, but in anycase we share this business we made it together in the last 10 years ,so for now we are taking different shifts and avoiding each other as much as possible.It can work for now i guess.Am still under shock and feels i am talking to stranger now,feels i knew some other person.It really feels like that,i keep wondering has he always been this calculated or i ve just lived in some bubble.Anyway seems he had it all figured out and way before,who knows when-at least when it comes to business or maybe all the things-so i can now look back and say that he lied to me on many ocassions but thats a whole different story.I have agreed on most things he said regarding our shared business,since it made sense,apart from one thing which i will need to discuss with lawyer.I tried to keep it together when talking to him,and its not even about break up anymore,he keeps telling me these things happen ,and i can understand that,yes these things happen ,but all this it was so sudden now,its about his timing ,and other things that were going on in my life,and the way he acts and the things he says and i dont know i must have lived on some other planet or in some different world then him.I think i just cant get over the shock of how he speaks and how he has all sorted out way way before.He just told me how we can keep our business and it was so planned in such details that i am sure he must have planned it for a longer time.I wanted to ask him some questions but then what is the point.And yes it is just like you said-there is some blame in me too,we played this tango together,and if this happened some year ago or more,i d be maybe prepared ,but we overcome in the last 6 months or more problems we had and i felt good and i thought he was feeling the same,even the problems we had were not that big now that i look at it, and i thought everything was going well,as a matter of fact he assured me that by words and actions.Or i thought so.So i dont know i keep asking myself some questions and maybe its better if i dont get any answers.And yes i centered and relied on him way more then i should have,now i see that.There are more things we need to discuss and see but for now we discussed this business problem and will see in the next months how it goes.I dont know if i am doing better in general but i think this going back to work is actually good for me.Thanks so much for listening to me,i appreciate it so,so much.
I’m so sorry you still have to interact with him because of your business together. I’m sure that makes the healing process a lot harder. But I’m glad to hear that going to work makes you feel better (work makes me feel better about my breakup too!) and that you are getting a lawyer to protect yourself. I’ve been trying to learn about breakups and I’ve learned that a lot of times, the dumper thinks about the breakup weeks or months (sometimes years) before it actually happens and they do go back and forth on whether it can work out or not. But by the time they break up with the person, they are way ahead mentally in moving on, so that might explain why your ex is being so distant. I’m just letting you know this so that you know you’re not alone. I’m not going to lie, the first several months are going to suck so much but just know that these painful feelings will not last forever. They might last a while because of how long you two were together but eventually you will feel better. For now, it’s totally normal and ok to feel sad. Hang in there!!
Its been a month now since we broke up,but the problems have just begun.I needed to conntact the lawyer regarding the business and some stuff,but since these are things where law is on my side.So at least something good.Now i understand that there was a third person involoved too in our relationship.Now i can see that the break up was not sudden for him at all as it was for me.As a matter of fact he has planned that for over a year.I just lived on some other planet it seems and i am still not sure how blind i was for a while.I have to be in conntact with him and he decided to "confess" a few things but i think more because he was hoping that the business negotiations will go his way-but in this case law is on my side.Everything by him was planned quite a lot over time,from business to break up and all the other stuff in between.Unfortunately i have to be in contact with him because of the joint business and still we need to resolve some stuff regarding apartment too.The work is good for me actually,it helps me in a way.A lot of stuff has been going on in my life,unrelated to break up,which was just cherry on the top. and mostly was not so good in the last year or so-i just hope the next year will be better.For now i am sticking to concentrating on work seems that is helping me.Will concentrate on my career at this point and maybe hopefully in the next year we can also divide the business too or something like that but its too soon to think about that now.I am just trying to keep it together now and concetrate on work
I can totally feel you. I am going through the exact same thing. Having known someone for 10yrs planned to get married and then one day they say that they don’t feel for you anymore is strange. Because, 6yrs back when I had to breakup die to parental pressure, he pursued me for 1.5yrs until we got back and used to cry for me. I still don’t know what went wrong, he went to Ireland for higher studies and to make a better future for us but then now there under pressure , he is acting very cold and behaving rudely to me. To the person who once meant the world to him. I don’t know how do we heal because I still hope for things to get better. 😔
I am 29 and looking for other boys to get settled is an additional pressure on me. But he is not worried about my well being at all. He is only focussed on his job, his health, his mental peace while disrupting my mental peace altogether. Doesn’t give me any reason for this behaviour.
@carefulApricot4521 am so sorry to hear you are going through similar situation as I am.I can put myself completely in your shoes because an year ago when we were having problems,he really tried to work on that and he was the one who wanted to solve everything and stay with me-i thought we were dong better and we were unstuck from this routine and moved away from all the problems we had.I thought everything was falling again in the place and then he suddenly broke up with me.So then a year later i experienced this sudden break up from him.Though now i can see it was not sudden for him at all,it was planned very carefully.I sincerely hope things will turn out for you the way you are hoping and you ll be able to resolve any problems you have.Take care.Wish you all the best.