Breaking up but still in love
When she said she wanted to break up, I got confused. Everything seemed to be fine, there were no significant issues with the relationship. We aren't perfect, yes, but I loved her all the same and I treated her well. I negotiated with her, then begged her, and appealed to everything that was good in our relationship. Result: nope. I was devastated. I fell in love with her and chose to be in love so I didn't want to give up. Here I am, heartbroken because she gave up on me and on us. I can't force her to stay, despite her telling me she still loves me but she needs the space. It's difficult but I'll let her go and wish her luck. If it was meant to be, she will be back. One difference would be that I refuse to be a backup/second choice. I refuse to just be friends. It's either we got something or nothing. She chose to give up on someone who would love her unconditionally. Why should I continue to hurt? Am I wrong for doing this?
@SheepishMemory Rhetorical question. Do you love her, or do you love the relationship structure?
@helpfulAvocado7912 I really do love her. At least I think I do. May I ask what's with the relationship structure?
@SheepishMemory You say you love HER but you refuse to be friends. So, I think you love the RELATIONSHIP you had with her, but not HER. If you did love HER, you’d put on your big boy pants and be friends. That’s just my opinion for what it’s worth.
This is interesting. In my opinion, I think that you can still love someone but refuse to be be friends with them if you feel uncomfortable. You don’t owe them anything when the relationship ends, so both parties don’t have to feel obliged to start a friendship with each other after the break up. If a party refuses to start a friendship (a few reasons could be they feel uncomfortable, or feel like being friends with them will slow their healing process, etc), I don’t think it necessarily means that they didn’t love them and only just loved the idea of a being in a relationship with them.
@willinggrapes “If a party refuses to start a friendship…” The key word in your statement is “start.” So a romantic relationship for you might not have any embedded friendship component. You talked about “not owing” your partner anything after the end of the relationship. So perhaps you see relationships in a very transactional fashion. It’s true that we say a lot of things in a relationship like, “I want to be with you forever,” etc. And then we dishonor those promises. The point is to examine what is really meant by romantic relationship vs friendship. If the person you love was truly important to you, you’ll try to figure out how to be in their life. When our kids leave home for their own life we don’t say, “Oh it’s too painful for me to have you move out, you are no longer my son or daughter.” Well, there are parents who can’t take that separation, so they lock their “loved ones” in the basement. We usually call people like that psychopaths, but I digress.
I was just stating an opinion. But, I think it really all depends on the situation. There are times when it’s best to just leave it as is. I get what you’re trying to say here, but if someone wants space, I think it’s good to give it to them. And I’m also saying that you don’t have to “put your big boy pants on” when it comes to stuff like this. If someone feels uncomfortable about the idea of staying friends with their ex, then they don’t have to force themselves to.
And, I’m sorry, but the way you assumed how my romantic relationship goes “so a romantic relationship for you might not have any embedded friendship component” actually hurt quite a bit, because I believe my romantic relationships do have a friendship component. So I would really appreciate it if you don’t assume what I see and feel in my romantic relationships when you barely know me as a person. Anyways, this is not about me.
To the person who made the original post, do what makes you feel comfortable. Don’t force yourself to do things you feel uncomfortable with.
@helpfulAvocado7912 I realize this is an older thread, but I happened across it, read this comment from you, and just had to put my two cents worth in.
Your statement "If the person you love was truly important to you, you’ll try to figure out how to be in their life" is one I challenge as proof of love. Love is unconditional, supportive, accepting, but most of all, unselfish. Your statement is about an action of selfishness.
When someone truly loves, they want the person they love to be happy above all else. If that means letting go of the relationship, they might not like it, but they'll accept that the relationship doesn't make the other person happy, and let it go. And not always willingly, either. But they will, in hopes it will make their loved one happy.
That's not to say they should allow the other person to use them, string them along, or any other situation that's detrimental to themselves. Many times transitioning into a lesser relationship, such as "friendship", usually only accomplishes one of the above or a combination thereof.
Not wanting to have a lesser relationship, or not wanting to stay in the life of their loved one in a different role is not being selfish. When they know it won't be beneficial, it's actually unselfish. Because when someone DOES transition against their will, they eventually become resentful, which in turn can develop animosity or other negative feelings or attitudes which are unhealthy for all concerned.
I applaud this young man for knowing himself well enough to know that changing the relationship to one he considers lesser isn't an option.
Just my humble opinion. Thanks for reading. 🌹
🐻
@willinggrapes you sound very wise for being a teen. 👏
You must be an old soul. And that's a really good compliment, in case you're unaware of the meaning.
@SheepishMemory
Hello. I'm going through the same thing at the moment. I can't give you much advice but if you want to chat we can, I don't mind.
@SheepishMemory
In my experience, if I’m still in love with someone that has broken up with me it feels excruciating to be just friends for a loooong time until I can say I’m over it and then maybe, just maybe a friendship can grow. I’m sorry about your heartbreak, friend.
Hi, sorry to intrude and I do hope this helps you. You cannot control your feelings, you are not wrong, you have feelings and you can't just shut them off all at once, it's completely normal.
Give it some time, give yourself some time, don't be too hard on yourself
it will get better
I hope this helps.
I'm going through a similar process but I'm the one leaving my wife. You definitely need more time to process this new development. Maybe it can help you understand your wife better if I tell you that it is extremely tough on the one leaving, too. For me to tell her what I decided felt like hurting myself very badly.
But what I've come to is, it wouldn't make her ever happy again if I stayed because I wouldn't be happy.
I am in an almost similar situation as you and it is not easy. You hurt my friend because you love unconditionally and deeply.
You are not wrong for feeling this way because you truly love your girlfriend with no strings attached and no matter how much she has hurt you by wanting to distance herself from you you still love her. This shows you are a genuine, caring and passionate person and there is nothing to feel bad about
Thank you everyone for your input. I’ve been crying all so often this past few weeks. As it turns out, I can’t seem to let her go. I still love her and we still talk but I’m just so wounded. Life doesn’t feel the same. Nothing seems right.
@SheepishMemory I don't envy you in the least. Losing or letting go of someone you care for for is probably one of the toughest challenges a person faces.
@SheepishMemory
How are you doing?
@scarletCherry3980
Thank you for asking. I'm... Not great. I thought I was moving along a bit. I broke down last night. Cried from time to time for almost 4 hours. Cried several times today now. I don't think I'm getting better. Doesn't feel like it. Therapy is going. It's helping. Just not quite as fast as I would like. I need this to improve.
@SheepishMemory
Stay strong. I literally cried today and I'm struggling as well. I am also going to therapy and I understand how it feels about wanting to improve and it just feels like it's never going to end but I know something good has to come out of this.